New Thoughts and Frustrations

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by SkyW, Aug 12, 2013.

  1. SkyW

    SkyW Well-Known Member

    So let me say, first off that things seem to be 'looking up' for now, whatever that means.
    At least I have some level of motivation to try and feel better. Kind of an interesting thought process there, and I'll get into that in a minute...
    My relationships haven't entirely mended, but they aren't really bothering me as much as they used to. I still have very few friends, but I made a couple new ones, which is nice...
    So, having said that... Am I feeling better? I really, seriously, don't know. I can't tell if I don't care, or if I've gotten over some of the crap I've been through... Why do I say that?
    I remember the first time I started feeling this emotional fog, like a distance; It kind of felt like I could see the emotions from far away, but I couldn't make out the details. That started when I was about 12 years old.
    I'm 20 now.
    There was a period of 2 years where I went from feeling numb to feeling completely emotionally distraught, much of which may have been triggered by my loneliness, which I've been dealing with since I was much younger....
    I've gone back to feeling very little in the way of deep emotion... I can't tell if I prefer being depressed, emotional, and at least aware of my emotions. At least I felt something...
    There's a hint of motivation now, which is interesting... I think it comes out of being super bored through the day. I suppose that's better than not doing ANYTHING, but then again, I was never really like that... So now, i feel discontent with a lot... impatient... generally just all over the place....
    Maybe it's a long "manic" period?
    I wasn't diagnosed with bi-polar disorder, though. I'm not saying it's not a possibility, I've always had good an bad days, days where I feel creative, days where I'm willing to go out and do something, days where I can create things that I never thought I'd be capable of creating... But even then, I had this overshadowing darkness, depression, and emotion.
    I'm not saying this is all too different, but the deepness of my emotion and ability to empathize is a little... thin, I guess.
    I started a new medication (Effexor) and I'm wondering if that may be the reason I've felt like this.
    I hate feeling discontent. I'm frustrated with it. But it's only been about a month since I started Effexor, so I feel like I should wait a little while before I make any serious decisions.
    I'm not trying to hurt myself,
    I'm not trying to kill myself,
    I'm not cussing myself out,
    I'm not feeling myself out,
    I'm not feeling anything.
    Am I better? I don't know. And I hate not knowing.
     
  2. meaningless-vessel

    meaningless-vessel Well-Known Member

    Patience is a virtue well worth remembering.

    But it is good, that you have hints of motivation to try to feel better. Have you considered therapy or are you in with a therapist?

    And have you considered suggesting some of these feelings/experiences with your doctor to try and understand why you are the way you are now? After all, they'd be qualified to maybe see if you have any connection to bi-polar disorder or not.