I wanna be remembered as the girl who always smiles even when her heart is broken, and the one that could always brighten up your day even if she couldn’t brighten up her own, but some part of me starting thinking a while ago. "what about yourself?" But that thought leads to millions of stringy thoughts asking, yeah, what about me. But I'm not sure if i'm meant to care about myself or if i'm meant to forget about my existence and solely focus on loved ones. But then who are my loved ones? How do i really know they love me back? They say one thing, but mean another, then say the opposite, and i'm not sure which is the truth. The I love you or the I can't stand you. Do i want the I love you? Do i deserve the I love you? I feel like everyone i get close to leaves me, so i shouldn't get close to anyone, but maybe that's not the reason? Maybe i need to focus on me, go through some self improvement processes, but what about those lovely people i've devoted my life to now? Who's more important in the end? My loved ones or myself? Of course i'd say my loved ones, but I'm guessing there's usually supposed to be a line between smothering love and loving love and couldn't care less love. And i can almost recite perfectly every time i've seriously hurt anyone by words, and only recite a few that have hurt me. But they all hurt me, just most were unintentional. So that's where i got the idea to self harm, so that i could start a war against myself for wronging the other person. Except, they seem to have no care or concern in the world for me, but i still love them with all my heart because they are friends and family. I try to forget some people just because the idea of them kills me inside, but trying to forget someone you love is like trying to remember someone you never knew, it's great for imagination, but horrible for real life. Sometimes i wish i could just start over and create a whole new world, but somehow i don't think i'd do anything different. Except maybe try to exclude myself from people a bit more, try to help in any way i can, but make sure that i wouldn't get "too" close to anyone. Granted, I don't think i've personally hurt anyone in a long time, i get hurt every day by memories that most people didn't even realize happened. Maybe that's just who i am as a person, or maybe it's some kind of sign saying that i need to be different. Sometimes i wish that feeling of being a figment of someone's imagination were true. But once i snap out of it, so to speak, I realize it's just my head playing tricks on me again. When will the tricks and jokes and lies end? I just want to be hidden from people if i can't die. I think if i wasn't ever born then it'd work better. But then again, what if i really am good with people, what if me being on Earth makes a good difference? Is it worth the trouble i cause? No, i'm not suicidal, just sincerely confused. I've not been to therapy in months, not been on medication for months, some days i'm extraordinary others i'm imaginary. Some days i'm happier than ever, some i have awful thoughts and waterfalls pour from my eyes. But right now, i just really wish my mind would shut up and go in idle mode.
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