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Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Entity, Feb 12, 2011.

  1. Entity

    Entity Well-Known Member

    Didn't really have any particular title i wanted, so i just went with it. I thought that it’d be good of me to write down how I feel and what I'm up to lately. So here I am just typing. Is it weird to think family or friends hate me, or are mad at me or irritated or anything? Even if I'm super paranoid about it and I ask them finally after all my worrying they keep telling me they love me and they’re not mad or upset but I feel like I'm making them angry if I keep asking..and then I get more paranoid. I walk down the hallways at school and I'm constantly thinking someone is lurking behind me and following me, even in my room in my house I feel like someone is hiding under my bed or in my closet or outside my window waiting for the perfect moment to kill me. If I'm home alone I can’t walk through my own house and feel safe. When I take a shower I have to keep checking behind the shower curtain to make sure I'm still alone. When I'm in the car with anyone I feel like everyone is staring at me through the window. I feel like I'm this puppet doll in someone else’s life, I'm a figment of someone else’s imagination. ; Part of a game board. I wake up sometimes and feel like I'm not real at all, like I'm dreaming. But even my dreams are more realistic than my own life.
    But I'm pretty used to not being able to sleep by now. It’s becoming who I am. No matter how tired I am, even if I'm falling asleep, the second I lay down, I can’t sleep. I stopped getting so many nightmares so often, and then they started again, I'm not sure what’s going on… My mood was depressed and tired this morning and then I was still tired all day but it changed from being happy and my face hurt from smiling to “blah I just wanna disappear”
    I'm so stressed out with school and family stuffs, I miss Hannah, I hate that I can’t talk to my dad about things. It’s just that he freaks out when I tell him things, so for the most part, I just avoid it. If he asks me if I'm okay, I’ll usually just that I'm just really tired or “yes? Are you?” I want to be able to talk to him…but it pisses me off and upsets me beyond belief to see him think he’s helping and then it leaves me struggling with whatever was bothering me already. When I use to cut, if he knew I wanted to, he’d freak out and get angry. He’d make me sit on the other couch and sit there till I stopped crying and him and my stepmom would laugh and watch TV and completely ignore me. There’s times when I want to be around people, but not to talk, and there’s times when I just want to be completely alone. I know I'm weird, but sometimes I'm just so much better off when I have time to think for myself. Kyle is scaring me recently and I miss him terribly.
    My artwork has been going pretty well, but I'm devoting my time to art and then just giving up on my academic work. It’s making my grades drop and I hate it. I used to be a good student and now it’s like I'm just another kid. I want to be special and stand out among others, but at the same time, I hate being around people it terrifies me; I tremble and shake like crazy. I'm not sure which to go by for what anymore, more often than not, I'm usually okay to receive a little bit of attention from teachers that I know, and if it’s around kids that I know. I can’t give class presentations, I can’t talk to anyone new, I can’t even pass people through the hallway coz I'm too scared it’d offend them or something. I sit on the floor in the back of my classes so that no one is behind me and I'm not noticed.
    I can’t concentrate anymore, I’ll start to do something and then all the sudden I guess I’ll lose interest or I’ll forget what I was doing or how I was doing it. There are so many things I'm just really not motivated to do anymore. This letter is getting on my nerves too, it’s pointing out so many things wrong with me. I'm not just your average shy or worried or sad or even average happy. I'm just really weird I guess, not really sure. My therapist even says i'll never be a normal teenager. Last Monday was my birthday and now i'm officially 17, but reading through this letter i feel like i'm still just a little girl.