hi... well i'm new here but not new to the thoughts and desires of suicide. been this way most of my life. and if i could put it on automatic pilot and live the rest of my life like that, i'd do it in a heartbeat. but i can't and it doesn't work. and the worst part if being made to feel like a criminal because you don't want the greatest gift of all time--life! i'm in my 40s and know it ain't going to get any better and probably even worse. i've been sick most of my lfe and i'm hoping to get that all straightened out soon. i've been out on workers comp leave since 2004 and it sucks. i had a near fatal car accident (for which i've asked god why in goodness names didn't he just take me back to heaven it was simply an accident that manythought i did on purpose but i truly didn't do anything to cause it. i think i "blacked out" from the pain from neck muscle spasms due to the on the job accident in 2002; what a nightmare. well now i'm trying to get it so that workers comp doesn't find out about the car accident because then they'll try and imply the accident made it worse and it didn't; none of the injuries were from the ribs up... lacerated liver (they airlifted me to the local big city hospital), broken ulna and radius for which i have rods in there and a badly broken two leg bones in my right leg. i went last week to the local orthpedic and after doing the exam he did say i could do phyiscal therapy until the cows came home it wouldn't heal and the pain would still be there so he did nothing besides refer me back to the surgeon who put the plate(s) and screw(s) in because he said it can get tricky. well the family is going on vacaatin from jun 1-10 and it used to be that i came first but i guess i'm scum of the earth again because goodness graciuous if i asked them to rearrange their plans i would be seen as ungrateful and selfish but why wait in pain and despair. and if i tell them i'm distraught well they'll want to have me locked up again and it's just so unfair to me. first i was off my rocker insinuating it was the plate and screws causing the pain but i know my body very well and i KNEW what the problem was. i mean i'm 44 and am an adult and can pretty much figure out what the crux of the matter is. i mean my father acts like there is nothing on this god given planet than to have more surgery. i would prefer to just finish healing but it's not happening and i need to bring it all together. i'm soooooo scared of it all. i remember in middle school right before leaving to catch the bus, i would close the bedroom door and sit on the bed and just wail and wail and wail until i got hoarse. i just kept asking god why was it so hard and would life get any better than this, i mean how could it get worse? but i prayed to god that life would loosen up and give me a break or two. kept praying but i haevn't seen anything until the day that has showed me life was going to indeed get better. i'm still waiting and it seems like it just progressively gets worse. i also don't ask for much. people are amazed that the truly little things in life makes me happy so i don't even ask for monetary extravagant things in this simple life of mine. things aren't ging to make me happy but my emotional bank account is also bankrupt and both accounts are feeling the crunch--gas prices are also making it difficult to just take a drive dwn to the park and walk around--of course i sprained my bad ankle last week so it has been one thing after another. last weekend was really pathetic and on top of it being rainy i was in alot of pain. i was doing so well recuperating from the car accident. i had to move out of my dad's in 10 days and i was more or less a complete cripple but if i didn't leave then, i would have needed a straightjacket because i was being driven insane. the guy had an arsenault of finger pointing and blaming---he even "supposedly" found the phone book on a suicide prevention page and i'm like no way it didn't happen and i mean yeah i probably did have those tendencies but there's no wayi would have left all that "evidence" and would have tidied up befoer i left the house. my goodness i was railroaded and tere we like 50 pieces of incriminating evidence but i'm not that stupid and i would have had it look like an accident instead of finger pointing and making it that obvious--you know no stigmitizing stuff. now i OD'd on purpose a couple of years ago. i kissed my family members "goodbye" and passed out for 11 days and they said no way with no food and wter for 11 days could you have made it and i'm like well i did and i was amazed as well. i was barely breathing and i guess i luckily never lost oxygen to my brain from swallowing massive amounts of valium and oxy. i can feel it if i can just sleep peacefully i will be all set for the next few days if i can just get some peaceful sleep. and then i have to go to the workers comp hit doctor who gets paid 1,000 to pretty much lie. i've seen him twice before and the last time i was there he knew i was in dire pain and even helped me open the door because my arm was pretty much that badly crippled and in agony. well at least he did mentin in the report two years ago that he was unable to exmine me (he made it out to be like i was a beligerent patient and i wasn't i was in agony and had to go home and deal with the pain with no pain medicine from him). usually when i'm dwn and depressed i can sleep but not so this time and i don't knw why. if i could sleep then i would be able to get some peaceful rest and that would help me out come the end of the week. my tolerance level is way up there too i can't use any sleep medicine cause it just doesn't wrk and the pain medicine i get sick if i take all i can take; so i'm pretty much ODing and not gettingthe benefits of the drowsy falling asleep. i'm also worried about being dependent on these things. i think i'm all set right now but it is a concern.