New to forum, a bit about me...

Discussion in 'Welcome' started by Doodlebug, Sep 28, 2012.

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  1. Doodlebug

    Doodlebug New Member

    Hi,

    Came across this site a few days ago but was a bit apprehensive about joining, but I am so very alone, and as strange as it sounds I have found some comfort on this site, knowing I am not alone with how I feel.

    I am 27 years old and live in the UK, I have suffered with anxiety from a very young age, in recent years I am pretty certain that this has developed into depression. I didn't have the best upbringing, was sexually abused as a child, I am one of six siblings and we all experienced horrendous physical and emotional abuse at the hands of our mother, for example, throwing books out of the window into the rain when I studied, beating me, attacking my appearance or making fun of me, locking food away in the house so I would go hungry, having complete control of my finances, not allowing me to go out, unless it was for work or school etc.

    Despite the hardship growing up, we all did pretty well, graduating from university with good grades and going on to have promising careers. The abuse continued well into adulthood. However I found some happiness when I started seeing my fiance at 18, we attended the same secondary school from age 11; we come from very different cultures, I am Asian with a Sikh upbringing, whereas he is atheist and not of the same culture. My elder siblings had arranged marriages but I could never see myself being that person. After 7 years of dating I finally came clean to my parents about wanting to marry him, this resulted in almost a year of emotional abuse and I was subsequently 'disowned' and they have never spoken to me again. Despite the pain my mother has caused me throughout my life, I have never wanted to hurt her or for her to feel ashamed of me, however this is what has happened. I feel I have become an angry bitter person and all I seem to do is bring people down around me. I am afraid to talk to my partner and tell him how truly terrible I feel. Two of my siblings have not seen or spoken to me since either and I miss them terribly.

    I have ploughed on over the last 2-3 years and I can feel myself become more and more preoccupied with taking my own life, I feel I will never be happy and its a no win situation. if I return home I will have to be without my partner who I love, however if I stay in this situation I will be without my family. I am supposed to be taking pre-med entrance exam in 3 days but I feel so bad I cant even bring myself to go. whats the point if I don't even want to live? Every time I try to study my mind diverts to suicide. I am so lonely and feel I have no one. I don't know what to do or how to feel better. I genuinely feel like the only way out is to end it all and I will never have to feel like this again. I cant tell my partner or friends how bad it is because I feel they will think I have lost the plot.

    Thanks for listening..

    Doodlebug
     
  2. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    Doodlebug, welcome to SF! I'm glad you found us and have reached out. There are many people on the forum who can relate to abusive and difficult childhoods (and some, on into adulthood, too), so you will definitely feel less alone. Please stay safe - even crushing feelings will settle over time.
     
  3. youRprecious!

    youRprecious! Antiquities Friend

    Hi Doodlebug - and welcome here..... you have found the right place to help make you feel better, as being able to write it out helps :) I am so sorry to hear about the problems with your mother, but she has absolutely no right to feel she is responsible for trying to control your life by her behaviour any longer. I know it is hard to stand up to her because of cultural heritage, etc. but your life has been given to YOU honey, to live as you please, and her misunderstood and abused "responsibility to control" finished by law when you came of age, but emotionally the day she started abusing you. However, we cannot see this when we are children - that abusive parents, for some reason, (it's their problem, not yours) try to disempower their children in this way........ I'm sure they don't know what they are doing, they might even think they are "toughening them up" for life, but it's not exactly how parents are meant to be honey.

    The above is an opinion from an 'Anglophile' with a Christian heritage.... I do understand and appreciate how difficult your situation is with your Sikh heritage honey. I don't have the right to advise any course of action because I don't understand your culture. You are being a very loving and dutiful daughter, which is commendable. Above all honey, do what you must do to keep yourself very safe while you make your decisions, and hopefully SF can help you with some positive stuff :)
     
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi Doodlebug nice to meet you hugs
     
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