New to getting help

Discussion in 'Welcome' started by Akel, Dec 19, 2012.

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  1. Akel

    Akel New Member

    Hmm...I'm not really sure what to say here.

    Obviously, I go by Akel and I struggle with suicide and self-harm. I've been self-harming since I was 11 for any number of reasons. I just started seeing a therapist after a close call, but I found it hard to stay afloat between sessions, so I started looking for a place where I could just talk with people without fear of judgement. I'm hoping that this is that place.

    Not sure what else to say. I'm in university although I'm considering taking a leave of absence. I like reading and watching movies.

    Today, I decided that silence hurts more than it's worth. I want to change.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi Akel oh hun i am so glad to see you reaching out here for support. Your right hun silence hurts so much more then it worth. You are in university use the counseling there as well ok the workers there in between the times you see your therapist You can talk here hun with no fear and with no judgement we all understand and support each other hugs
  3. Akel

    Akel New Member

    Yeah, my therapist is the one on campus. I wouldn't have gone that first time if it wasn't free though. Honestly, I find it hard to even go to my therapist. I'm terrified of what he thinks and what would happen if anyone found out what I was doing. I've usually managed to do alright on my own. I've gotten the grades and never made trouble, but this last semester I just crashed. I couldn't focus in my classes, I couldn't study, I obsessed over suicide and harming myself all day, everyday. It got to the point where I broke down one night and nearly killed myself, but called the helpline. I never want to go to that dark place again, where there is no way out. I was dying and I had never let anyone know of my struggles. I had tried telling my mom once, but she said it was a phase and we never spoke of it again. I ended up going for a consultation the next morning after I had my attempt. It's been hard and I'm sure my therapist thinks I'm crazy, constantly breaking down into tears just talking about the stuff going on with me.

    It's hard since I live at home and it's an abusive environment. I can't leave and I can't bear staying, but I do anyway. But now my grades are terrible and if comes out, I'm terrified of what's going to happen to me. I'm not allowed to just drop out, but I might get picked out of my program anyway, so what's it matter? Isn't it better to leave on my own terms than get beaten to death in a fit of rage? I can't seem to find a reason for myself to stick around. I stay because my brothers would mourn me and my sister would be in danger without me around. If they weren't around, then I wouldn't be either.

    Woulda, coulda, shouldas. What to do? It's a battle to stay afloat. I don't know if I can win this war or even what side I'm fighting for. Oh well. For today, at least, I am myself and I exist.
  4. jimk

    jimk Staff Alumni

    Hello and welcome Akel. If your grades in school going in the toilet think you should talk to therapist at next apt about this..they are part of school and might be able to help you now!!!!

    Irving at home with parents that do not understand and want or know how to help you is very tough..been there, done that so I know.. Your therapist has probably heard it all by now.. Know is hard to do therapy all of a sudden.. But really can help you in the long run.. Akel I am still alive and doing better because of my therapist.. Take steps to let down the walls and take the mask off with them and start talking please..

    We have a self harm forum on here. Take a look there.. Lot of ppl like you there.. Hope you find this a safe place at your own pace to keep talking.. I am a movie fan also.. My DVD collection is bigger and better than a blockbuster's.. Lol would love to compare favorites with you..

    Stay safe and be ok..glad to have you with us now!!! Jim
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