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New to site.....feeling so very lost these days!

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by jjb, Jul 20, 2015.

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  1. jjb

    jjb New Member

    I never thought in my life time that I would find myself posting to any kind of site like this....I have always been so clear headed, optimistic, had a rewarding direction in life and always had such great hope for continued success for my future. I spent so many of my younger years saying I just could never understand how someone's life could get so dark, hopeless and lost that they would want to choose death over wanting to live. I have reached that "place of darkness" and have been battling with it for the last 4 1/2 years. What once was an occasional passing thought 4 years ago of "life isn't worth living" has now become continual thoughts of just wanting to end it all. I have not talked to anyone one about it, nor do I feel comfortable or want to. I guess putting it out on a forum to total strangers is my way of maybe trying to clear my head.

    My life partner and I had been together for 23 years. Not only were we life partners but we were also business partners working side by side for all those years. He died unexpectedly 4 1/2 years ago of a heart attack. In one blink of an eye, every aspect of my life changed instantly. Seeing how we were both healthy and in our early 50's, we had not even thought about putting together wills. So along with his death and no will, every bit of our mutual finances/business ventures/home came into play. It took the 2 of us to generate the volume of business to sustain our household. In the last couple years, I lost my soul mate, my business partner, 1/2 of the business revenue, my home is in foreclosure, I have sold almost everything we owned, had to declare bankruptcy and have been constantly struggling to keep my head above water to just cover the basic of life minimums. In the process of packing and moving items from our home before the mortgage company takes possession, I fell and broke my back. I spent 9 months in a body brace setting me even farther back financially and mentally spent.

    I am tired, weak, emotionally weary, financially below poverty level and most days I do not know where to even start to try rebuilding my life. I am not here looking for sympathy, to me a home, belongings, furnishings and stuff mean nothing to me. At this point, a cardboard box with a pillow for me to lay my head down at night would be fine...as long as I could just close my eyes and have some respite from the constant despair I am feeling.

    If having to deal with the overwhelming grief from the death, depression of loss and the financial strain wasn't enough of a challenge, now health problems heaped on top of it all has me at the end of my rope. I have had nothing handed to me in life, I have worked long and hard and have always been able to muscle through any challenge life had to throw at me. All of this dropped on me in such a short period of time has become far too much for me to handle. I have done the "one day at a time"....then started "one hour at a time"....most days now it seems like let me see if I can make it through the next 20 minutes. I have a tremendous respect for anyone who has spent their lives dealing with mental health challenges, I just don't know if I have the strength anymore to keep hoping that tomorrow life will get better. So far, my life has just gotten more challenging every step of the way.

    On a second note, I was raised Roman Catholic and do have a belief in God. Through the endless tears and prayers these past 4 1/2 years, I feel like I have heard nothing back but silence. I have found it so very difficult to understand any kind of spiritual path, message or enlightenment to my constant despair. I am finding myself distancing from family and friends and retreating to mental solitude. How have any of you who have walked this path climbed out of the dark hole?

    I'm sorry for such a long post, I'm hoping putting some of my thoughts on "paper" helps me to temporarily get it out of
    head.....Thanks for reading it....
    I'm sorry for
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I hope posting here has helped to decrease some of the darkness you are now in. I know you said you are not comfortable reaching out for help but do it anyways ok don't waste anymore time reach out to your doctor and get some help to pull you out of the depression you are in. Sometimes that is all we need is to know we are not alone in the battle If you get help from your doctor just even for a short while you will have more energy to fight the battle you face ok Keep talking to us here keep releasing some of those thoughts as well here ok
  3. Freya

    Freya Loves SF Staff Member ADMIN SF Author

    I am so sorry for your loss and for you pain. Please do speak to your doctor about getting help and perhaps also get in touch with social services. You need practical help as well as emotional help and bereavement therapy. I cannot start to imagine the emotional pain you are in. I wish I had something useful to tell you but I don't - there are people who can and will help you but I know that grief is exhausting and finding the energy to ask for help can be hard. Keep talking to us and stay safe :hug:
  4. jjb

    jjb New Member

    Thank you for your thoughts & suggestions. I have not spoken with my doctors about any of my struggles beyond my physical challenges. Not that I am opposed to medication, I am on already a handful of expensive prescriptions for a genetic blood clotting disorder, high blood pressure and restoration meds for the broken back. Any additional medications would be something else I can't afford at this moment. I'll have to think about maybe opening a dialog.
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