New to site , need advice :/

Discussion in 'Grief and Bereavement' started by angiebby91, Mar 19, 2011.

  1. angiebby91

    angiebby91 New Member

    I'm new to this site & thought it would be a great way to share what I've been through with others who have gone through the same thing. It's very difficult for me to talk to others who don't understand & can't relate to my experiences. So any sort of feed back would be great :]


    When I was 16 years old (I'm now 19) my step father committed suicide a room away from me & my mother. He was very sick in the head, as he tired to bribe me to have sex with him for $300 & earn my driving privileges back, I was grounded the whole month before it happened. The events that took place before & after, will effect me for the rest of my life.

    I should have noticed something was odd about him the previous summer as he pulled me aside & told me he was "attracted" to me. I really don't see how a 15 year old would be considered "attracting" to a 37 year old man. Since nobody ever told me how to deal with a situation like that so I just brushed it aside and figured the feeling would go away since he was leaving for deployment to the Middle East for three months.

    When he returned all seemed well until a week before his death. He was allowing me to do things that I normally wasn't allowed to do. For instance, I was able to drive around town with him even though he knew I was grounded, but he would always say to me "Don't tell your mother" and that took place for about a week. On the day of his death, he came into my room and started talking to me about nonsense things but then the whole atmosphere in the room shifted, I knew something was wrong but I didn't know what until he started asking me to think of a way to earn $300. At that point I knew what it was & I was terrified. When he told me he wanted to have sex with him, I pushed him out of my room & ran to my neighbors. Unfortunately, she wasn't home, so I had to head back home. About an hr or so later he came back to my room and told me he called my mother and said I approached him with $300 to have sex with me. By that point all I wanted was my mother to come cause there was no way she would have believed him, but boy was I wrong. After me running away to a friends & getting caught & fighting, like punches being thrown, my mother decided to set up an emergency therapy session.

    The last time I saw my step father alive, he was standing in the door way of his bedroom, calm as if it was a normal session for me. About 10 min later, I heard a loud noise and I my first thought was that the toilet exploded, but when I saw the look on my mothers face, I knew. I was the one who called 911 & because I went to a friends house a few hours before, DCF showed up & I was taken away from my home, my friends, & my mother. For over 6 months I was not allowed any contact with her. Finally, my junior year I was finally able to live with her again, after going though 7+ months of therapy.

    To this day I do not forgive my mother for not believing me, her child, the person who is ALWAYS supposed to be there for me when I needed it the most. I wish I could talk to her about it but I don't want to open those fresh wounds up. I wish I could go back to that dreaded day & change everything about it.

    Sorry that this post is so long, I don't have anyone to talk to about this that can relate to me. I just wanna know if these wounds will ever heal up? Cause even after three years they are still fresh and very much painful.

    ~Angelica
     
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I am sorry you life has been so tragic in time perhaps you and your mother could go to therapy together to heal glad you are here reaching out for support Please know you can pm me anytime okay hugs:hugtackles:
     
  3. angiebby91

    angiebby91 New Member

    It would be nice to go into therapy with her, but at the current moment we live on different sides of the country. Hopefully one day we will be able to :]
     
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Perhaps for now you can just get some therapy for you to heal you inside it does help to be able to voice all the sadness to someone that understands hugs
     
  5. luka

    luka Active Member

    thank you for sharing. i cant begin to imagine what its like to be in your position but being in the army and a medic, i can tell you i can relate to what your feeling, ive lost numerous fallen comrades and people who i would proudly call my brothers. ive had people die infront of me and i was the medic, so you can imagine what my job was like, yes it hurt me to see my mates die but theres not much we can about it, its called life and im a strong beliver in god and i think everyone has their destiny.

    i always have dreams and nightmares about them, sometimes waking up sweating,theres not much i can do to stop that but i would always think about them, but not the way they died but instead i think about their lives and what they have accomplished and stood up for...i celebrate their life and i dont look back because there will only be pain and suffering. we cant get over these things but we got to learn to live with it

    i hope i had helped you