New to Suicidal Thoughts

[Awkward Hope]

I had never understood what would drive a person to suicide, unitl recently. My family has a historyof depression and suicide documented into the mid 1800's. I am 1 of 7 kids, several of whom have had moderate to severe depression, and a couple of attempted suicides (though not really serious attempts).

About 6 months ago, I started thinking about suicide. It is a strange thing. Not so much as a result of the stress and all, just a part of my mind looking at the various possibilities. I'd be driving and think"I could run into that bridge stanchion", or cross a bridge and think "I could jump off that bridge". The thoughts became more and more pervasive, almost common, happening many times in a day.

I did not think of myseldf as suicidal, but I'd find myself working out how I'd get out on the ledge of my office, and that I'd have to be carefiul not to hit anyone...

It became scary; not because I thought *I* would decide to do it, but because I was afraid that my *mind* would decide to do it- some other part of my mind that was speaking out more than it should. I decided to talk with my doctor just after a coworker killed himself one weekend. My doc prescribed meds, which have helped these many months. I stopped taking them this week, mostly on accident, and the thoughts came back... I have not mentioned it to my wife- she would freak-out. She understands I need the meds for anxiety and depression...

This is strange, and foreign to me. I had always believed that suicide was an irrational act, but I see now that it can have nothing to do with rationale- just an instruction that I may lose the conscious ability to deny.

Is this something that makes sense?

Oh- I will get back on the meds tonight, but I was wondering...

Thanks,
AwkHope

 

[gentlelady]

Your post makes perfect sense. I have always worried about doing something impulsively instaed of planned. I have thought many of the same things as you. I am glad you were comfortable in seeking help for your depression and find that the medication does help you. To help combat the problem with your mind just deciding, which is what I consider impulsive, you need to build in some type of safety measures. A delay or some kind of obastacle that has to be overcome. This usually allows the time needed for the part of your mind that wants to live to start to take over. It is what i have found anyway. Usually a 5 minute delay is enough. you are not alone. :hug:

 

[Awkward Hope]

Thank you for the reply- you are a very nice person.
I just needed to tell someone- a stranger is better than nobody. I feel very guilty for not telling my wife, but she would worry endlessly. I think, though, that maybe I should tell her, so she would know what happened, if something did, and not worry that it was her... But I won't, because I think that things are OK as long as I stay on the meds.

Anyway. Thank you, kind person.

 

[onenineteen]

Awkward I understand where you are coming from. I've been having prevasive thoughts to end my life most recently in the past month. It seems to come back when i've had to come to terms with my life. Meaning I become consciously aware of my faults and any attempt to fix it fails. In the past I managed to move on but it's more difficult this time. I haven't mentioned this to anyone, not even my wife. I think she will react as I expect, out of extreme fear and shock and not with understanding.

I think in these moments it's likely I'd do something impulsive and not set any kind of plans in motion, I don't think that far ahead really :ohmy:

 

[Awkward Hope]

Well, I am afraid I am not much help. My situation has no apparant conection with my life events- it is just that one part of my brain seems to think different than another part.

I think you need to get some help- the meds I take keep everything in order, as long as I take them.

 

[albickers]

Hi Awkward,

I have thought almost the exact same things. I too often notice how easy it would be to simply jump or drive into something or... It is an odd feeling when you realize that, and very scary. I also used to worry that I would impulsively do something - to the point that I put all the big kitchen knives in the rubbish bin. Anyway, this has been going on for about 15 years... the thoughts have never quite gone away, but I haven't acted on them either - I guess the other part of my brain is in control.

Sorry, I can't really help or provide insight into this... for me it seems like more of an obsession than depression, although the line certainly is blurry. The morbid thoughts never cease to be unsettling, but now that I have confidence that they are "just thoughts," it seems to be a little easier. Hopefully you will find the same.

Congratulations on finding a med that keeps things in order!

 

[Awkward Hope]

Thanks albickers. For many years these were just trickle thoughts, but then they became more pervasive, to the point that I'd look outside my window to see what I'd hit, then I'd think "what am I doing". I, too, do not really associate them with depression, and I would not call myself "depressed". I decided to get some help after a coworker suddenly committed suicide.

Anyway, as long as I take the meds, I'm cool. I stopped recently and after a week, things got scary again. I am sure it is all psyshosomatic and all, but if the meds are what it takes, i guess that's just the way it is going to be.

BTW, I try not to perseverate on it all. I only wrote to this forum because I cannot tell my wife because she could not handle it- she would always be worried, especially given my family's history. I just needed to mention it to someone.

Anyway, thanks for the note, you were kind in your reply. Best of luck going forward.

 

[Anime-Zodiac]

That makes sense. Sometimes suicidal thought can originate from the deepest parts of our minds. Many people who experience this may not at all be aware of this but also it can be due to other factors as well.

What really matters is that your back on your medication though.

 

[Mogwai02]

when i first had thoughts of suicide, i was pretty scared. now it's a daily occurence, i just can't do it (but want to).