New to the forum...Been tossing the idea of suicide around for a few months now

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by SpeakNoEvil, Sep 26, 2012.

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  1. SpeakNoEvil

    SpeakNoEvil New Member

    I am a 25 year old Reservist Marine Sergeant. Formally active duty. Unemployed living in my parents basement off of my re-enlistment bonus which is quickly dwindling . I have no idea what I want to do with my life. I used to think I wanted to be a cop but now I'm thinking not so much. I have done things that my own family and friends would disown me for and I hate myself for it. People have told me I should kill myself (indirectly "people like that should just kill themselves") I agree and try to change the subject. I am a very logical person and I too think people like me have no place in society. I only see a few ways out of where I am now.....suicide, abandoning everything and living alone in the middle of nowhere which would probably lead to suicide....other things that I am not ready to talk about. I have come close a few times. Crying with the gun in my hand hoping somebody will stop me. I try to cheer myself up by thinking about all I have or I go out and by toys or go boating or sea dooing with my family but it is just a band aid. The joy only lasts as long as the activity. My life is wasting away.......I am a terrible person and nobody knows it but me.....I don't know what to do.
     
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hello hun I just want to welcome you to the forum let you know noone will judge you here ok
     
  3. jra

    jra Member

    Welcome man, first off, you and your fellow servicemen are heroes. Second, I personally am glad you decided to join. We will always need you as much as you need us. To be honest, it scares me you think you aren't worthy of living. You sound a hell of a lot more accomplished than I do. I wish you well buddy, and from reading we have quite a bit in common. I hope you can find use as this forum as a crutch like the rest of us are trying to do. You will never be alone.
     
  4. Synpentane

    Synpentane Member

    Hi SpeakNoEvil, welcome to the forum. I'm a new user too but I lurked a lot before joining. I'm somewhat in a similar situation than you but for a very different reason. I also feel like I have no place in today's society often and many people tried to convince me about that but I'm still hanging on. I sure feel like I'm wasting my life too but I'm trying to enjoy every little moments I can to keep me going. It's not much but at least it's a good start for me. Hopefully posting here will be beneficial to you.
     
  5. kote

    kote Account Closed

    i agree men and women who serve their country are true heros!!! i think youre an american and im a brit. but that makes no difference. you put your life on the line to save ours at home and many people dont seem to appreciate the depth of that!!! you will always be a hero!!!
    as for your lack of direction right now i can relate. im qualified highly and experienced in the one thing that drives me to a nervous breakdown. i taught and faught with the board of education. now the very idea of a school or the system makes my skin crawl. - the kids were cool though.

    anyway im glad to see you are getting out and doing a few addrenalin giving activities. i myself when i can get out of bed - which is only for food, family and my hobby - i play kendo. it really gives me a buzz and an outlet of all that fight. recently ( past 6 months ) i trained really hard to get a higher grade. it was extremely difficult but it got me focused. i found that with the focus the suicidal feelings went away. i scrapped through my test and passed. i can now teach kids and beginner adults kendo.

    now what??? well im feeling better still. no need for meds which i needed badly and now planning my next goal. a basic certificate in kayaking - i have to get up and get out and focus and make that effort for even a small reward. but still its a reward and a step forward. im already planning for winter and hoping my wife will let me buy new snowboard boots and a season pass. then i will have a daily routine and maybe find someway of gaining some sort of certification. teaching snowboarding or something.

    anyway with the skills i have im planning on adapting them to a different environment and use that as a goal to focus on so the suicidal thoughts go away.

    i have my bad days but lately and this has been over 6 years its been ok. focus!!!

    Thank you for serving your country and making the world a better place!!! you are a hero no matter what and let the past stay there and forgive yourself!!!
     
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