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New to the forum. Looking to put it all out there

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by dillinger1982, Jan 25, 2011.

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  1. dillinger1982

    dillinger1982 Member

    I don't know where to start. I am profoundly unhappy. My life has been in a downward spiral for over twelve years, and I feel like I'm purposefully trying to hit rock bottom. Most recently the love of my life left me, took everything, and ran off with her satanist tattoo artist ( a man I've known most of my life who has now covered her entire body in tattoos and convinces her to participate in threesomes with his friends). I've let myself become a full blown alcoholic since then, and spend the vast majority of my days in my office doing nothing but having extremely violent murder/suicide fantasies. They don't feel like fantasies anymore. I have absolutely no hope that my life will get better. I sometimes think I don't want it to, anyway....like it's not worth the effort.
  2. doityourself

    doityourself Well-Known Member

    Welcome to SF,

    Is this the first time youve ever had these feelings in your life before, to this extreme?

    I think maybe its time to put the drink down (for me its weed, and self medicating brings on alot of this) and take a minute to look at your life, make sure you do this completely sober. Think about what you can do or change to better yourself and the things around you.

    The fantasies are coming from all the anger your holding in, can you use that energy and put it somewhere else like in a gym or doing something pysical around the house.

    Ever seen that movie where the guy has his son hammer nails in the fence over and over again, then makes him take them out and start all over again(cant think of the name) but that had a lasting effect on me and when I get the anger built up like that I do something physical, I put on a backpack and go hiking or take my kids somewhere to run around like monkeys and I join in.

    I just wanted to say your not alone and if you ever need someone to vent to or argue (I love to argue) with, Im here, PM anytime.
  3. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Hi and welcome...so glad you found us...have you sought professional help to try to stop this downward spiral? I hope sharing here will help..I am sure that there are many ppl who can relate...welcome again...J
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Sounds like you in such a dark place I hope you reach out to people around yu to get some help. 1st step is to get some assistance to get off the booze I know that one will be hard How about posting here let out some of that pain as well. Hope is not gone you just have to take that first step in getting some help for you okay please reach out for some support You came here that is great move now try to get some help in the real world as well. :hugtackles::hugtackles:
  5. dillinger1982

    dillinger1982 Member

    I've been having these feelings ever since i was a kid in high school, but this is the first time the felt "real". I've seen both a psychologist and a psychiatrist. I was prescribed lexapro but they didnt do me any good. I don't think I have a chemical imbalance, because I can pinpoint every single reason why I feel this way. The problem is that every time I try to change something in my life I fail and things get worse. Every one I grew up with has kids and a house and a full life....while mine is really very sad and empty. The girl I wasted so much time on was MUCH younger than me (while the guy she left me for is even older than I am) and now I feel like I've wasted too much time and am out of my prime and undesirable to anyone. I used to do really well with women, but now I can't even get a second date. I feel like I wear my depression all over my face when I talk to girls. Anyway....
    My doctor told me to "not say no to anyone or anything", as in "dont let yourself be alone, be social". The problem is I live in a big college party town and the only friends I have do nothing but drink. Just feels like a big cycle. I would kill to meet people who want to hang out and not drink...but trying to make new sober friends at age 28 in a college party town is freaking impossible.
  6. doityourself

    doityourself Well-Known Member

    Im sorry youve had a hard time lately, I think maybe all of this stress is helping along the process of putting you at your bottom.

    I to live in a college town to, have you ever looked into joining a big brother organization? If you like kids then there are tons, and Im mean alot of children out there waiting on you to hang out or even have a real conversation with them.

    What are you going to school for? Are you planning on staying in the same city when you graduate?

    I hope this doesnt offend you, but to me everything happens for a reason, and since she left you for another man, it may be a blessing in disquise that you dont have to go through a long dragged divorce, and drag kids through all of that. You will find the right one for you, I know you think she was but if she can hurt you this way then I would disagree.

    I would say all the same blah blah that your so young, that your time will come, that give life a chance there is so much you still havent seen or done, but your probably tired of hearing that. I said it anyway, lol.

    But tell me whats one thing in your life youve always wanted to do, and now have that oppurtunity?
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