So I'm at a weird time right now... I walked away from a pretty nice scholarship at a mediocre school because I got so low my last semester that i could hardly leave my dorm. Sometimes, I think about suicide; but what stops me is the number of people who might unfairly blame themselves if i just quit. If I was beholden to no one, I without a doubt would end my life. I just feel as if the only thing i could do to make life bearable is to know what I know now several years ago. As it is my future is looking dimmer and dimmer and the thought of 80 years of mediocrity is unbearable. I do not hate life or myself, I just feel like there is no way at this point I can make a life worth living. I feel distant from everyone. I can't maintain even basic friendships because I am constantly denigrating myself in my head. I used to be a pretty laid back dude, and could talk to girls easily. Now i put so much emphasis on interpersonal interactions (or my lack there of, as I end up limiting my interaction with anyone i don"t know well out of embarrassment). I just can't seem to trust anyone to not be as cruel in there evaluations of me as I am to myself. Either separately or concurrently, I no longer seem to be able to have fun. Things I used to find enjoyable i disregard as childish and pointless, but I don't know how to go about living in an enjoyable way simply because i don't enjoy much of anything. I tried killing myself 3 years ago and often feel like it would've been better if it had succeeded. I'm at the end of my rope. A family member and a couple friends are urging me to keep pursuing medical help for depression, but the things I've had to do to secure stable treatment make me feel like even more like the loser I'm terrified of being. I just don't see why I'm that important. There are 8 billion people on this planet, in the next fifty years we will have lost more than a fifth of the worlds arable land to over farming and desertification, moreover before that the population will have increased half over again. If my existence is displeasurable, why must i continue it for the sake of few others, if in that same continued existence I only serve to continue the destruction and exploitation of a disproportionately larger group of people I will never even know? By living, having children, consuming products, and preserving the economic situation into which I was born (for the sake of the few people who would care) I feed industries, governments, and machinations that make my life "modern" by exploiting many MORE people I will never know. I cannot not help this; thus, a decision to continue living heaps the responsibility of their suffering on my shoulders. Wow, look at how much I've bitched... But anyways, I just don't know if I'm the only one who feels these things. or If anyone's felt like this before, how they've beaten an overwhelming sense of nihilism that permeates every part of your life?