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Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by WileyliketheCoyote, Aug 7, 2013.

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  1. So I'm at a weird time right now... I walked away from a pretty nice scholarship at a mediocre school because I got so low my last semester that i could hardly leave my dorm. Sometimes, I think about suicide; but what stops me is the number of people who might unfairly blame themselves if i just quit.
    If I was beholden to no one, I without a doubt would end my life. I just feel as if the only thing i could do to make life bearable is to know what I know now several years ago. As it is my future is looking dimmer and dimmer and the thought of 80 years of mediocrity is unbearable. I do not hate life or myself, I just feel like there is no way at this point I can make a life worth living.
    I feel distant from everyone. I can't maintain even basic friendships because I am constantly denigrating myself in my head. I used to be a pretty laid back dude, and could talk to girls easily. Now i put so much emphasis on interpersonal interactions (or my lack there of, as I end up limiting my interaction with anyone i don"t know well out of embarrassment). I just can't seem to trust anyone to not be as cruel in there evaluations of me as I am to myself. Either separately or concurrently, I no longer seem to be able to have fun. Things I used to find enjoyable i disregard as childish and pointless, but I don't know how to go about living in an enjoyable way simply because i don't enjoy much of anything.
    I tried killing myself 3 years ago and often feel like it would've been better if it had succeeded. I'm at the end of my rope. A family member and a couple friends are urging me to keep pursuing medical help for depression, but the things I've had to do to secure stable treatment make me feel like even more like the loser I'm terrified of being.
    I just don't see why I'm that important. There are 8 billion people on this planet, in the next fifty years we will have lost more than a fifth of the worlds arable land to over farming and desertification, moreover before that the population will have increased half over again. If my existence is displeasurable, why must i continue it for the sake of few others, if in that same continued existence I only serve to continue the destruction and exploitation of a disproportionately larger group of people I will never even know? By living, having children, consuming products, and preserving the economic situation into which I was born (for the sake of the few people who would care) I feed industries, governments, and machinations that make my life "modern" by exploiting many MORE people I will never know. I cannot not help this; thus, a decision to continue living heaps the responsibility of their suffering on my shoulders.
    Wow, look at how much I've bitched... But anyways, I just don't know if I'm the only one who feels these things. or If anyone's felt like this before, how they've beaten an overwhelming sense of nihilism that permeates every part of your life?
     
  2. karen ann

    karen ann New Member

    so here i am. i don't know why. i don't have a facebook page. i usually don't like to be social. but i figured what have i got to lose. i think about suicide every day. sometimes several times a day. some days it's all i think about. it's been this way for as long as i can remember. i just turned 38 a little over a month ago and the thought of doing this for another 38 is depressing beyond belief. i've always told myself the only reason i'm here is for my daughter. my daughter is 21 and i love her more than she will ever know. we never had that bond that i always wanted. she is my only child. i can't have anymore. when i think long and hard about putting up with people and life in general my heart races. i don't like people. they are awful. it saddens me to say that my daughter is just another member of society that feeds on the misery of others. i'm not here to get sympathy. <Mod Edit, WildCherry>. she knows her mother has always wanted to kill herself. she knows she is what's kept me here the last 21 years. she's grown and there's nothing i'm going to say to her that she will take seriously or with consideration. i'm a joke to her. what's keeping me here again????!!! i now know what it feels like to say "something's gonna snap".
     
  3. LexiRN

    LexiRN Active Member

    I have been there before and even tried ending my life. I have felt very similar to you about taking up space on the planet. But if you vigorously pursue help, it can get better. I tried many antidepressants before I found one that works most of the time. And while I still struggle on occasion, I do feel like life is worth living. There is hope even in the darkest hole if you can manage some hard fighting; fight for the possibilities of tomorrow. You have so much time to fight for. I wish I could have my time back and change the decisions I have made, but better later than never. Please keep fighting. You may find it is worth it after all.
     
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    YOur daughter in time hun will know how much you have done for her and she loves you she does. She is still very young hun alot of growing up still to do she will need you always
    i have been walking on that line myself and i keep holding on went back on meds again so i don't do something that would harm many. You keep talking to us ok you will not feel like you are fighting this alone hugs
     
  5. dannyboy86

    dannyboy86 Active Member

    I totally understand where you are coming from. While this post is something I can totally relate too. I feel like you do. Im a laid back, very kind person who has never intentionally hurt anyone my entire life. The world to me seems completely and totally overwhelming. I became diagnosed with bipolar disorder, among a myriad of other mental disorders which have completely negatively effected my life. I am so surprised I have had the grit to keep going for 8 years with sometimes, extremely intense suicidal thoughts.

    I have had 3 attempts too, they were very impulsive. I know that if the time comes that I do decide to take my life, its going to be on complete impulse. I wish I could find a creator, and know that he knew what I was going through. My next attempt is going to be my final one, because I will not fail this time.

    I am sorry that you are here because its not fun to feel this way, but also am glad that you are reaching out for help. I really hope you get through this rough time in your life so you can find the good things that life has to offer. Like your daughter. If i had kids, there is no way that I would do that to them, but thats me. You have to make your own decisions and decide what you are going to do. Sometimes for me its been breathing through a desperate moment in hopes that it passes, so i can get to baseline, where the thoughts still run through my mind like a cancer, but they are pushed back further into the recesses of my mind. Not so intense.

    Like I said, i really hope you hang on for your daughter and find the good things in life before doing something drastic.

    Cheers, dan.
     
  6. fransigne

    fransigne Active Member

    This part is so close to the things I feel. Maybe I can go help those people somehow.

    "I just don't see why I'm that important. There are 8 billion people on this planet, in the next fifty years we will have lost more than a fifth of the worlds arable land to over farming and desertification, moreover before that the population will have increased half over again. If my existence is displeasurable, why must i continue it for the sake of few others, if in that same continued existence I only serve to continue the destruction and exploitation of a disproportionately larger group of people I will never even know? By living, having children, consuming products, and preserving the economic situation into which I was born (for the sake of the few people who would care) I feed industries, governments, and machinations that make my life "modern" by exploiting many MORE people I will never know. I cannot not help this; thus, a decision to continue living heaps the responsibility of their suffering on my shoulders."
     
  7. catecholamine

    catecholamine Well-Known Member

    I felt that way too. No motivation, no hope, couldn't stand the thought of 60 more years of just "blah". I didn't hate my life, just didn't want to live. What changed everything for me was medication. If it's not your life that's making you depressed, it's a chemical thing, and you need treatment to get them back like they should be. My advice to you would be to pursue treatment. It can do wonders.
     
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