Hi. I don't know how I wound up here. This is not a place I would ever have thought I'd find myself visiting, let alone signing up at. But I guess I'm searching for something, and maybe this site can help me? I don't know where to start really. Everything is so hard at the moment. It really is a struggle to do anything these days. Getting out of bed is such an effort. This is a problem as I have two young kids that require my attention. I've just started therapy - I've had one session so far and have an appointment for next week. I'm also on fluvoxamine (sp?) but it doesn't seem to help at all. I've only been on this medication for the last 6 weeks, and I know it takes time for the effects to kick in, but nothing seems to be improving. In fact, everyday it just gets harder and harder to get out of bed, to move my arse and tend to my kids. And I feel so guilty because the depression affects my kids - they are reaping what I sow! And that's not fair at all. And because depression has genetic components to it, I feel like I'm dooming them to a life much like my own! I can't tell you how bad that makes me feel! I've suffered from depression on and off since I was 11, have been on and off medication for it through out the years. I feel like I will never get this monkey off my back - and he is so heavy. I'm tired. So tired of struggling with this, of not being able to enjoy life - because essentially I have all the components to a good life. I feel selfish. Greedy. Ungrateful. And I'm torn between sticking around or checking out for good. On the one hand, my kids are young enough to forget about me. My hubby is young enough to find someone else who is happy and who makes him happy. But i want to see my kids grow up - i want to see their next milestone reached. But if I wait too much longer, they won't be young enough to forget about me, and I feel like I'll just f&#k them up more if I was to leave later. I need to sleep, but I can't. It's 3:38am right now (I live in Australia in case you are wondering) My son and daughter is due to wake up at 7am and I KNOW I won't get to sleep before 5am. I know this because this is the same thing that happens every night. So on top of everything, I'm fatigued. And I know that clouds everything too. I know I am rambling, and I won't inflict it upon you anymore. I just need to tell someone, anyone who can even remotely understand, how I feel. I don't have anyone here that gets me. My husband feels ill-equipped to deal with my depression. My father killed himself 5 years ago, my mother and I don't talk about anything seriously emotional. My brothers and I aren't close. And I don't have many close friends that I feel I can turn to without them judging me. So I guess, you're it. I hope, hope, hope that this site proves to be something worthwhile. No offense! But not much colours my day right now, I guess that's what I'm looking for - some colour beneath and behind all this grey. If you've made it this far, thanks for reading.