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Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by chickidee, Oct 13, 2009.

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  1. chickidee

    chickidee Member

    Hi.

    I don't know how I wound up here. This is not a place I would ever have thought I'd find myself visiting, let alone signing up at.

    But I guess I'm searching for something, and maybe this site can help me?

    I don't know where to start really.

    Everything is so hard at the moment. It really is a struggle to do anything these days. Getting out of bed is such an effort. This is a problem as I have two young kids that require my attention.

    I've just started therapy - I've had one session so far and have an appointment for next week.

    I'm also on fluvoxamine (sp?) but it doesn't seem to help at all. I've only been on this medication for the last 6 weeks, and I know it takes time for the effects to kick in, but nothing seems to be improving. In fact, everyday it just gets harder and harder to get out of bed, to move my arse and tend to my kids.

    And I feel so guilty because the depression affects my kids - they are reaping what I sow! And that's not fair at all. And because depression has genetic components to it, I feel like I'm dooming them to a life much like my own! I can't tell you how bad that makes me feel!

    I've suffered from depression on and off since I was 11, have been on and off medication for it through out the years. I feel like I will never get this monkey off my back - and he is so heavy. I'm tired. So tired of struggling with this, of not being able to enjoy life - because essentially I have all the components to a good life. I feel selfish. Greedy. Ungrateful.

    And I'm torn between sticking around or checking out for good. On the one hand, my kids are young enough to forget about me. My hubby is young enough to find someone else who is happy and who makes him happy. But i want to see my kids grow up - i want to see their next milestone reached. But if I wait too much longer, they won't be young enough to forget about me, and I feel like I'll just f&#k them up more if I was to leave later.

    I need to sleep, but I can't. It's 3:38am right now (I live in Australia in case you are wondering) My son and daughter is due to wake up at 7am and I KNOW I won't get to sleep before 5am. I know this because this is the same thing that happens every night.

    So on top of everything, I'm fatigued. And I know that clouds everything too.

    I know I am rambling, and I won't inflict it upon you anymore. I just need to tell someone, anyone who can even remotely understand, how I feel. I don't have anyone here that gets me. My husband feels ill-equipped to deal with my depression. My father killed himself 5 years ago, my mother and I don't talk about anything seriously emotional. My brothers and I aren't close. And I don't have many close friends that I feel I can turn to without them judging me. So I guess, you're it.

    I hope, hope, hope that this site proves to be something worthwhile. No offense! But not much colours my day right now, I guess that's what I'm looking for - some colour beneath and behind all this grey.

    If you've made it this far, thanks for reading.
     
  2. Tam

    Tam Well-Known Member

    Hello Chickidee,

    Welcome to SF. I hope you do find it worthwhile - it's certainly been worthwhile for me. It sounds as if you have a whole bag load of problems, but from what you say it looks like you are on the first small steps to getting things sorted (a therapist, new meds, and coming on here).

    Please keep talking, everyone is pretty sympathetic and understanding round here.

    Tam
     
  3. chickidee

    chickidee Member

    Thanks Tam

    I guess we'll see where this goes.
     
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hey 6 weeks your meds should start to kick in soon if not tell your doctor okay and try newer meds out there that help hard to treat depression. Talk with your GP about them Your kids no matter how young will need their mom and the love only you can give them and your husband who to say he could move on
    Loosing someone to suicide will only throw him and your children into a world of pain I don't think he could move on from such a lost. Working on your depression which is treatable is the way out of your pain and saddness. Keep trying okay because there are meds out there and therapy that will get you under control again and feeling better. Glad you came here for support keep talking to us okay lots of support here.
     
  5. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Welcome to the forums Chickidee.. If your meds don't help pretty soon talk to your doctor.. You may need to be on a regimine of meds.. I take five different meds for different symptoms..For the most part they keep me stable..I have also been in therapy for four years.. A good therapist can help you learn to cope with these thoughts..We are here for you so feel free to talk or even vent your frustrations.. You will always find someone to talk to..Take care!!
     
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