Hello to you all - I absolutely never thought I'd be posting on a suicide (albeit support) forum, but nevertheless, here I am. Here we all are. I have been battling depression for the last several years, essentially even since I left home (age 18). I'm 26 now, a female working in a "good" job at a very prestigious Fortune 500 company, yet nothing seems right. I am doing a job that I completely disagree with (I disagree with consumerism yet work for a company that profits off such activities), I am way overworked and underpaid, barely able to make ends meet. These days getting out of bed is a struggle, let alone taking a shower, washing my hair, putting on makeup, or getting dressed. What do you mean it's not OK to go to the grocery store with greasy hair and 3 day old clothes?! I stayed home from work today sick, but really it was just a cold, I really could have gone in if it was something I was passionate about. I recently stopped seeing my therapist because she retired, but because I've been having these thoughts I decided to schedule an appointment with a new therapist - my appointment is tomorrow. I always hate starting over with a new therapist! If anyone has any recommendations on how to speed up the "intro" part to get to the help/substance I'd greatly appreciate it. I have been on/off medications to help with anxiety/depression. First I was on Lexapro, and it worked well. I went off because I started feeling better (for awhile, not just a couple months) and never really saw myself as the "lifer" type to be on prescriptions for depression. Then, a year ago I was forced to go back on them. I couldn't afford the Lexapro (there is no generic equivalent I could find and can't afford the real thing) so I went on the generic of Celexa. It did not work as well, maybe 80% of what Lexapro did previously. Both had weight gain and sexual side effects for which I cannot tolerate. Right now, I just have xanax (.5 mg) for emergencies and am not taking anything daily. I am so scared of being on something my entire life, plus the weight gain (20+ lbs on a 130lb frame...) and sexual side effects (anorgasmic) are just two things I cannot cope with. I have been trying to do cardio as a substitute and workout hard at least 5 days a week, it's helped a little. Basically, I live alone and find it impossible to deal with the challenges of a stressful job, lack of any true partner in this life, and the day to day stressors that life brings. I'm embarrassed that I can't seem to do it all. I am not a mother, but DAMN I have so much respect for single mothers all over the world. How the hell do they do it? Take care of their children and themselves? I can't even take care of myself these days. Does it seem like you'll never get ahead? I have a good job, I really do, but after our merit increase news (pitiful) and rising health care costs I will be netting less THIS year than LAST year. It's so deflating, you build skills to contribute to a corporation and they end up paying you "less" for it. I have done all I can think of to remedy the situation, even met 1x1 with our VP and still, nothing. No one is willing to help the lower level employees (I'm not in management). I am burnt out. Not sure what to do next. I've never EVER contemplated suicide before, but I am now starting to understand why people see it as their only choice. It's terrible... I even volunteer for a national crisis line where I'm expected to talk people "off the ledge" but here I am, sort of staring it down. I'd appreciate other people's opinion, support, anything! Thank you so much. Hope you all the best!