New to the site and NEVER thought I'd be here...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by captialism2009, Oct 13, 2009.

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  1. captialism2009

    captialism2009 New Member

    Hello to you all - I absolutely never thought I'd be posting on a suicide (albeit support) forum, but nevertheless, here I am. Here we all are. I have been battling depression for the last several years, essentially even since I left home (age 18).

    I'm 26 now, a female working in a "good" job at a very prestigious Fortune 500 company, yet nothing seems right. I am doing a job that I completely disagree with (I disagree with consumerism yet work for a company that profits off such activities), I am way overworked and underpaid, barely able to make ends meet.

    These days getting out of bed is a struggle, let alone taking a shower, washing my hair, putting on makeup, or getting dressed. What do you mean it's not OK to go to the grocery store with greasy hair and 3 day old clothes?! I stayed home from work today sick, but really it was just a cold, I really could have gone in if it was something I was passionate about.

    I recently stopped seeing my therapist because she retired, but because I've been having these thoughts I decided to schedule an appointment with a new therapist - my appointment is tomorrow. I always hate starting over with a new therapist! If anyone has any recommendations on how to speed up the "intro" part to get to the help/substance I'd greatly appreciate it.

    I have been on/off medications to help with anxiety/depression. First I was on Lexapro, and it worked well. I went off because I started feeling better (for awhile, not just a couple months) and never really saw myself as the "lifer" type to be on prescriptions for depression. Then, a year ago I was forced to go back on them. I couldn't afford the Lexapro (there is no generic equivalent I could find and can't afford the real thing) so I went on the generic of Celexa. It did not work as well, maybe 80% of what Lexapro did previously. Both had weight gain and sexual side effects for which I cannot tolerate. Right now, I just have xanax (.5 mg) for emergencies and am not taking anything daily. I am so scared of being on something my entire life, plus the weight gain (20+ lbs on a 130lb frame...) and sexual side effects (anorgasmic) are just two things I cannot cope with. I have been trying to do cardio as a substitute and workout hard at least 5 days a week, it's helped a little.

    Basically, I live alone and find it impossible to deal with the challenges of a stressful job, lack of any true partner in this life, and the day to day stressors that life brings. I'm embarrassed that I can't seem to do it all. I am not a mother, but DAMN I have so much respect for single mothers all over the world. How the hell do they do it? Take care of their children and themselves? I can't even take care of myself these days.

    Does it seem like you'll never get ahead? I have a good job, I really do, but after our merit increase news (pitiful) and rising health care costs I will be netting less THIS year than LAST year. It's so deflating, you build skills to contribute to a corporation and they end up paying you "less" for it. I have done all I can think of to remedy the situation, even met 1x1 with our VP and still, nothing. No one is willing to help the lower level employees (I'm not in management).

    I am burnt out. Not sure what to do next. I've never EVER contemplated suicide before, but I am now starting to understand why people see it as their only choice. It's terrible... I even volunteer for a national crisis line where I'm expected to talk people "off the ledge" but here I am, sort of staring it down. I'd appreciate other people's opinion, support, anything!

    Thank you so much. Hope you all the best!
  2. Ordep

    Ordep Well-Known Member

    Hey there! First and foremost, welcome to SF. I hope you can enjoy this place and benefit from all the wonderful people around here ready to help you. We're always here for you so post anytime and we'll listen (read) and advice as best we can.

    Obviously you're dissatisfied with your job, but I won't tell you you should quit since I know well how rough the job market is these days. Instead, I'll ask you, when you were studying, was that the job you had in mind? Or was it the first thing you managed to get to make ends meet?

    If if was indeed your objective to do the kind of work you do (even if not for that kind of company) then maybe your depression is making you feel worse about your job (I should know, I love managment and I'm studying it but so depressed I am that I'm hating it). If you can break the depression, maybe you'll enjoy your work once again. On the other hand, if you're just making ends meet, it might be a good idea to look for another job in your free time, something you really enjoy. Even if you don't have the skills, you should sing up for whatever course you need. I see you're volatile and unhappy about your life and work, if you don't change that, even on the long run, it'll only get worse, and make you worse.

    I'd like to hear more about you outiside work. How's your social life? Friends? How connected are you to your family? Your interests? Hobbies?

    I'm sorry you're having to start over with a therapist, that's obviously a bummer, but you can hope this one can help you even better than the previous. You can think thats unlikely or you can think that's impossible, but you never know. Keep an open mind.

    As I said, post anytime, you can also PM me, I'll be here pretty much all day
    except for a couple hours so I'll provide a quick reply most of the time. Take care and be strong my friend :wink:
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    New therapist good beginning Is there anyway of getting old therapist just to transfer all your records to new therapist so you don't have to go through whole introduction bit again.
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