I have been on antidepressants since 1995 and whenever I have tried to go off of them, it has been a disaster and I am back on them. I have learned to live with that. I lost my Mum in 1999 (metastatic breast cancer) and my Dad in 2005 (colon cancer). I have an older sister who is autistic who, thank goodness, does not live with me. I don't know how we survived as a family when she lived with us. Autism is a very strange condition and the obsessive/compulsive dimensions of it are really trying for those around the autistic person. She is a big part of the reason I never married or had children. The thought of having a child like her is terrifying. I have been battling melanoma since 1995. The constant vigilance is tiring. In 1997 I was diagnosed with a pituitary adenoma. In 2000 I was diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis and in 2009 with hypertension. Quit smoking in 2007 and have since gained 200 pounds. Food soothes me for a short time but then I come back to earth and hate myself more. My boss, who was also a very dear friend, died suddenly in July at age 53. He had become like family to me and I miss him daily. Between the health issues and the feeling of being almost alone in this world, I find myself checking train schedules more and more frequently xxxxxx. I don't understand why I can't get any help from my doctors and I struggle every day to get up for work so I can pay the bills to do it all again tomorrow. I'm having more and more trouble figuring out what it is all about and I truly feel I have nothing good to look forward to. Hoping to hear from some of you who have been where I am and found a way out other than the train thing.