new to these old feelings

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so I'm here thinking a lot about everything and reading these posts. I recognize myself in so many of them. My biggest problem is that I keep scaring mself out of killing myself. I hate myself for that! I can't stop thinking of the pain I would leave so many people in and then I begin to resent them for that and begin feeling guilty for wanting to go so badly but I can't help it. I know htat I'm not covering any new ground here and that my problems are no bigger than anyone elses but I guess I feel like I am now finally starting to get myself on a timeline to finally go through with it...nothing definite yet but it is starting to become more real...The big challenge is to do it in a way that seems an accident so that my life insurance can be given out to those that need it....that's a problem. I keep thinking of a car crash horific enough that there is no way I could live through it. There is a huge bridge where I live but I;m not sure my car would make it through the barrier and over it. It would be unethical for me to go head on with a big rig since I wouldn't want to cause that driver any problems. I wonder about volunteering to go up to a roof top somehow, of a high building and attempting to slip off of it but that might not be seen as an accident to the insurance company so here I am stuck.


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Please dont go through with this. The people in your life that care about you would much rather they had you than your life-insurance, i am sure. Why do you feel that there is nothing other than death for you in this world?
Please dont go through with it! There are people who care for you in this world, and although at times it may seem like there arent, when you are on top of a roof or a car park and you are staring down at the ground way below you, you will be reminded of the times that have made you smile, believe me.. Dont be afraid of letting it all out, I used to cry and scream and kick and shout about 3 times a day, and although these are not as frequent (well I just cry sometimes), I feel a bit better afterwards for letting some of the pain out. As "The AM" asked, why do you feel like this? What is making you so upset?
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