I have been hospitalized 3 times in the past few months and have been on multiple courses of medications and years of private therapy. I have a very good psychiatrist, but all of the therapy has worn me down. I've tried to find help, but everything is temporary. I stopped "wishing the pain away" because something always trigger the suicidal urges. I admit that I didn't want any help. I've been in and out of the hospital for never ending illnesses and five surgeries later, I stop thinking it will get better. I started to blame myself, but my doctors tell me I'm rather unlucky with family genes that has been passed to me. Between hormonal imbalances and severe sleep disorder and having my male parts surgically removed has left me with completely sexual dysfunctional. Even sex therapy hasn't ease the pain of losing so much at a young age. I will not experience an orgasm again (not possible after surgery). I really tried to fix it, but the damage from the surgeries have caused damage beyond repair. I haven't had an orgasm in four years. I do cry alot in bed. I'm married, but the stress of all my health problems has distroyed what I had. I had therapist that did not take my case because I was suicidal. I've been hurt so many times by the health system I don't try anymore. I had commincations with the crisis center, but there is so much that can be done. It is true that once you attempt suicide, the threat will always be there. I never told anyone how far my plans were. I have worked out almost everything. I read about people feeling tired and hopeless. I felt that too, but I can't see how anyone can deal with this feeling for a long period. Its been 6 months of hell inside my head and I ready don't know if I can ever make the urges go away. I'm not sad about my life anymore. Just very tired. I'm writing tonight because I couldn't sleep and didn't want to talk to the crisis center. Sorry you had to listen to me. I just needed to get things off my mind. Please do not write to me. I know there are good people that really want to help, but I'm not looking for that tonight. It would be best to try to help someone who really needs it.