New to this site, but not new to the horrible feelings

[ijustdontknowanymore]

I have been hospitalized 3 times in the past few months and have been on multiple courses of medications and years of private therapy. I have a very good psychiatrist, but all of the therapy has worn me down. I've tried to find help, but everything is temporary. I stopped "wishing the pain away" because something always trigger the suicidal urges. I admit that I didn't want any help. I've been in and out of the hospital for never ending illnesses and five surgeries later, I stop thinking it will get better. I started to blame myself, but my doctors tell me I'm rather unlucky with family genes that has been passed to me. Between hormonal imbalances and severe sleep disorder and having my male parts surgically removed has left me with completely sexual dysfunctional. Even sex therapy hasn't ease the pain of losing so much at a young age. I will not experience an orgasm again (not possible after surgery). I really tried to fix it, but the damage from the surgeries have caused damage beyond repair. I haven't had an orgasm in four years. I do cry alot in bed. I'm married, but the stress of all my health problems has distroyed what I had. I had therapist that did not take my case because I was suicidal. I've been hurt so many times by the health system I don't try anymore. I had commincations with the crisis center, but there is so much that can be done. It is true that once you attempt suicide, the threat will always be there. I never told anyone how far my plans were. I have worked out almost everything. I read about people feeling tired and hopeless. I felt that too, but I can't see how anyone can deal with this feeling for a long period. Its been 6 months of hell inside my head and I ready don't know if I can ever make the urges go away. I'm not sad about my life anymore. Just very tired. I'm writing tonight because I couldn't sleep and didn't want to talk to the crisis center. Sorry you had to listen to me. I just needed to get things off my mind. Please do not write to me. I know there are good people that really want to help, but I'm not looking for that tonight. It would be best to try to help someone who really needs it.

 

[kath]

i know you have asked people not to write to you but im always rebellious so i hope you dont mind and that this doesnt upset you.i am not saying things are gonna turn oout fine or anything and everythings gonna be wonderful cos i know i cant truely say that an d mean it.We dont know whats gonna happen next in our lives,none of us.But i do relate to the tired feeling.i can relate to that veyr much but please do try to hang on.Lean on us as we try to help you find a way through this.You can reach a better place and i may be selfish but personally id like to get to know you better.You sound a kind and caring perosn who is suffering right now.

Welcome to the site we are here to listen and in some way i hope that it heped you to get your story out on paper.Just to pour it all out.There are some factastic people here.They have helped me a lot and ihope we can help you feel more supported and less alone too.

im sorry about the health service and all your problems but please dont give up when you have come this far.Dont give up now.Youve battled through so much and are probably much stronger than you knonw even if it doesnt feel like that to you.

Feel free to post some more if you feel like it and find it help and if you ever want/need a friend or would prefer ot talk privately or whatever then ffeel free to PM [private message] me or whatever at any time and it will always be good to hear from you.

Please take care and keep safe.
kath

 

[ijustdontknowanymore]

Kath,

I wasn't planning on turning on my computer, but I didn't shut down last night and this site was on when I started up.

First, thanks for taking time to write. Yes, last night I didn't feel I needed or wanted to communicate with anyone. I just wanted to acknowledge that I read your message. Maybe writing on this site wasn't a good idea for me because I'm not looking for anything. I just wrote last night not thinking of anything in return. I'm not feeling well this morning and I should stop now.

Thanks.

 

[kath]

i am sorry.i knwo that you asked for people not ot respond to you here and i should have respected that.i am sorry.i never know whether to reply or not when someone says that.Not meaning that i doubt the genuineness of what you or anyone may write but i know sometimes when people are feeling particuarly lousy about themselves or dont like taking up time and want to be kind they may say it cos they feel they should do that but actually they may be actually in some need of TLC themselves if you see what i mean.Sorry i dont think ive explained that very well but basically im sorry and ishould have respected your wishes.

i know what you mean by that sometimes writing alone can be very good and therapeutic.i often write without worrying too much about replies etc cos writing is about the only positive therapeutic strategy i have right now that sometimes works for me so i know what you mean by just needing to do taht and get it out and here is fine to do,its pretty much what this place is for in fact and im sorry for disrupting your flow.

im sorry you are feeling ill today and i hope i have not upset you too much.Sorry.

Take care
kath

Ps Never worry about if you post or not or the timing of posts.Just do things at your own pace and iin your own way.

 

[Ignored]

Hi,
I've moved your thread cos if you put it into suicide/crisis forum you are more likely to get people feeling the need to respond to you. Here it is more possible to get away with a post where you don't need a reply. Hope you give yourself the chance to receive some support though... you never know where it might lead.
Shygirl