Hi, my name is Julie aka depression queen. Been depressed most of my life, I'm 49 now and have had the same psychiatrist for over 20 years. Been hospitalized for major depressive disorder and treatment resistant depression and have had ect treatments as well. I'm at a point in my life currently where it just really hurts to wake up in the morning. I wake up with severe anxiety, a flood of tears and often throwing up. And I worry, constantly. I do not have one moment of peace unless I'm sleeping and that's thanks to the double dose of sleep medication that I am prescribed. Feeling worthless lately and like God has forgotten me. I have two kids age 23 and 21. I raised them on my own as their father was killed when they were 3 and 1. I thought things would change when they grew up, but I'm also am enabler so thats my fault too. My story is long but I'll try to cut it short. Suicide? Of course it's crossed my mind. Especially lately, but there are conflicting beliefs where my religion is concerned. I don't want to go to hell, but crap, I'm living in hell now. I have a job and pretend that I am normal when i'm there. Does anyone else do that? I should win an oscar! then I bolt to the car at 4 pm to get the heck outta there and back to the safety of my bed. Been there for 12 yrs now. I like what I do, but the personal pressure that I am under and that I put on myself is disgusting. Thought about leaving the state, thought about changing my name, just thought about starting over in general. Unrealistic, I know. Because it would just follow me wouldn't it. I know I'm sick and if I could fix it hey, I would have done that a long time ago. Read a book? no-can't concentrate. TV? no I have enough drama in my life. I fake it with my kids most of the time because i don't want them to worry, heck, I fake it with everyone. but inside......inside I hurt, I can't cry hard enough, and I have absolutely no peace. I feel cursed. I think I've written a mouthful for now. And thanks to anyone who took the time to listen. I wish you all luck with what you are going through. I can honestly say that i know your pain.