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Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by christian-, Dec 5, 2012.

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  1. christian-

    christian- New Member

    hello, my name is christian. im 28 and live in the south. i guess i should start by saying im not looking for help or advice. i honestly think i have a pretty good grasp on my situation and my options. i just want to tell my story i guess. i first considered suicide a few years ago after a break up with my girlfriend. the break up wasnt that bad but i she took our son and after attempting to contact a lawyer for help he took my $6000 dollars and disappeared. i barely made enough money to stay afloat at the time because i dropped out of collage to move across the country to be closer to my ex's family for the birth of our son. after i lost all that money i couldnt afford to keep my apartment after the lease was up, so i lived in my car for a while. at this point i would like to say that i not a drinker, i dont smoke, or use drugs of any kind. i dont even drink soda. after a few months of living in my car i gave up the fight of trying to see my son and retreated back to my parents home where i still reside. i have managed to keep odd jobs here and there but nothing substantial. i attempted to join the army recently but after a year and a half of processing i was rejected for service. i dont have money to return to school. i sold my car and i dont keep a cellular phone. i would say right now im just lonely and bored. i just dont see a reason to keep going. im not terrified of the future or have any mental disorders. i just dont see a point of continuing. if i did manage to find a new a job the only thing i could look forward to is the disappoint my son would have to me after seeing the failure his father is, and thats only if in 15 years he wants to see me. for me i have reached a point of understanding that i wasted my opportunists and all thats left me is a life a depressing solitude. this is the shallow part of my story. i also have no friends. i think this is why my current girlfriend and i fight so much is because i try to make fill the role of girlfriend and friend and when she fails i get frustrated and ask her to go home. i used to have friends when i was younger but now, even though people are still kind to me when i see them randomly on the street, no one is ever interested in doing anything. i know its shallow but i just get so lonely, spending 16 hours a day traped in this house alone with no one to talk to or anything to forward to. i just finished having another argument with my girlfriend about how she understand because shes thinks shes in the same friend situation as me. shes a tattoo artist who works with 3 people she likes very much. she talks to them 8 hours a day. so goes to parties at there house. its not the same. right now im just looking for a way to kill myself without leaving a body. i dug a grave in the woods near my parents home but i just need a way of filling in the dirt after i kill myself. i have thought of several ways to do this i just havent constructed any yet. i guess thats about it. it sounds so simple and short when actually written out.
     
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    You get legal aid then hun to help you get partial custody of your son Don't let him think you gave up on him hun.
     
  3. christian-

    christian- New Member

    I'm afraid that wouldn't help me right now. even if i wasn't ashamed of myself to the point of not wanting him to see me, he lives 1,200 miles away now. even attempting to contact them at this point would only spur another round of attacks to raise my child support payments, you cant get blood from a stone. also i didn't take time to proof read my first letter and apologist for the terrible grammar and all the missing words. my eyes were sore and i was more upset then than i am now.

    i just think that at this point there isn't a lot left in life for me. its, as terrible as this sounds, not even the loss of my son that pushes me to this point. its the solitude mostly.i feel like i reached the age of 90 in my 20's. i had fun for a while, i loved people, i experienced the bliss of having a child for a short time. i don't see any shame in calling it quits early.
     
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Oh hun please please get some help for you . You are grieving the loss of not only you son but the loss of your dreams hun

    You are still young and who knows hun what the future will bring you. With help support hun you can feel that bliss again you can.

    Your son hun will want to know you and in time may come back into your life and you can tell him how hard you fought but that he was taken away from you and then you can start a new life with your son.

    You get help now ok to take the sadness and that darkness away
    You can move forward hun you Can ok just reach out for the help you need and deserve h ugs
     
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