I've always been a really upbeat person, so I have no tools to deal with this. There's...kind of a back story to this, and maybe if you knew it I could get more help? Like I said, new to this... My mother passed away last June, on her wedding anniversary. It was out of nowhere, and it was the scariest, most intense thing I ever had to go through. But I did, and I did it like a VIKING. She gave me everything I need for life, and all the tools necessary to figure it out on my own. She would also want me to get help when I need it. Her death isn't the reason I'm here. It's my father. He held onto his grief for as long as he could, and when WE (my younger brother, older sister and I) weren't miserable, he'd make us more miserable than he. I guess to even out the playing field. Three months after my mother's death, dad got himself a girlfriend, who is not a terrible person, but a terrible thing to SHOVE IN YOUR CHILDREN'S MOTHERLESS FACES. She's very obnoxious and likes to be in your space. Now he's telling me she's moving in. NO. NOOOOOOO! My dad has always been a "Me First, You Later" kind of guy. He likes to throw tantrums when something doesn't go exactly the way he wants, to get some attention. Any kind will do. He once wanted to buy a vintage Ferrari with our mom's life insurance money! We told him not to, seeing as how he already has a collection of cars that he doesn't drive and how selfish that he was being, but he gave us a lecture on how "mom would've let me" and "nobody ever tells me what to do". Seriously. From a 50-year-old man. Needless to say, he bought the car, and doesn't drive it. He's one maniac of a control-freak, so I try to avoid him whenever I can, but he likes to know how my life is going to look like he might pass as an adequate father. I don't let him get to me, seeing as how this is my life, and I'm not here for him to control. Yes, he tries to control what happens in my life, and competes with me over it. Last week, he finally got to me. It was my mother's would-be birthday, and the family discussed how we would celebrate. It was my dad's idea to hide all her information on facebook so anyone that didn't remember it couldn't celebrate. He suggested lighting a candle and holding a vigil. I told him that that would depress me, and my lil'bro agreed. So NO CANDLE, NO VIGIL. But let people celebrate how they want, right? Let her friends know on facebook, all the people who love her want to be able to, you can't deny them that!! But dad was going to have his little thing himself, and have things his way. I wake up and get ready for school, and when I get to my spot at the table to eat breakfast, guess what I found? A LIT CANDLE. I storm into the living room. We had both agreed on no candle for me. My dad is either going senile or is trying to hurt me. The smug look on his face said the latter. He wants me to be upset! Apparently, you CAN'T grieve the way you want! He had to have everything go his way, but why'd he have to look so SMUG? Arms crossed, nose upturned and everything! He's been neglecting to take care of my brother. He's been forgetting important things, like dates of his school band recitals or medicine he needs. There's no food in the house, because dad is never there. The only thing he does anymore is shove his dumb girlfriend into our lives and say hurtful things to his own children. Albeit, I am no child, but he knows not how to care for us. He's always been like this. Him first. I could handle this if my mom were still around, because she actually cared and got shit DONE. She was the glue that held our family together. She took care of everything else first, and herself second -sometimes even not at all. Which is how she died! She didn't take good enough care of herself! On the way to school the morning of her birthday, I thought that everything would be better off without me. That I would be better off without me. I pulled my car out into traffic in front of the biggest truck I could see. There was a burst of adrenaline, and the blaring of horns, and we both drove away unscathed. I pulled over into a parking lot and finally broke down and cried, as hard as I could. That was not the right thing to do. It was not right because it would not have just been me that would be hurt, but another innocent person. It was not right because it was not my own thought that I was upset. It was my father's. He's Leonardo DiCaprio and my life is Inception. I've been betrayed. Not just by my father, but also by me. Does he not want me to live? I know he doesn't want me to be happy. That's obvious. I know I can't live in this house anymore, but he keeps telling me that I'm not old enough, or not ready. I don't want to be ALONE, do I? Noooo, that would make things worse, so it's best that I stay stuck here. Today was the second time in my life I have seriously thought about suicide. I told my best friend this story. We've been friends for a long time, and she is one of the people I felt I had betrayed, including myself. Her whole family is stickin' out for me, so there's at least some comfort I can find somewhere. But how do I tell my narcissist father these events? Every time I try to get into an important conversation, he stops me, won't let me finish, dominates and manipulates the conversation so HE is the victim. He's a coward. He screams if he is not the one talking and thinks he should be. What a toddler. How do I get help? Help with my suicidal thoughts and my family matters? I don't feel depressed mostly, but when it hits it hits HARD. I cannot live like this, but I have no choice. Not to mention, if I left, who would take care of my younger brother? I can't die! I won't! I'm the one people depend on when they need care, and I shouldn't have to be! But taking care of my family and myself is something I can't do alone. I need a first step. Please help me.