New to This

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Volcano Bakemeat, Mar 14, 2011.

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  1. Volcano Bakemeat

    Volcano Bakemeat New Member

    I've always been a really upbeat person, so I have no tools to deal with this. There's...kind of a back story to this, and maybe if you knew it I could get more help? Like I said, new to this...

    My mother passed away last June, on her wedding anniversary. It was out of nowhere, and it was the scariest, most intense thing I ever had to go through. But I did, and I did it like a VIKING. She gave me everything I need for life, and all the tools necessary to figure it out on my own. She would also want me to get help when I need it.

    Her death isn't the reason I'm here. It's my father.

    He held onto his grief for as long as he could, and when WE (my younger brother, older sister and I) weren't miserable, he'd make us more miserable than he. I guess to even out the playing field.

    Three months after my mother's death, dad got himself a girlfriend, who is not a terrible person, but a terrible thing to SHOVE IN YOUR CHILDREN'S MOTHERLESS FACES. She's very obnoxious and likes to be in your space. Now he's telling me she's moving in. NO. NOOOOOOO!

    My dad has always been a "Me First, You Later" kind of guy. He likes to throw tantrums when something doesn't go exactly the way he wants, to get some attention. Any kind will do. He once wanted to buy a vintage Ferrari with our mom's life insurance money! We told him not to, seeing as how he already has a collection of cars that he doesn't drive and how selfish that he was being, but he gave us a lecture on how "mom would've let me" and "nobody ever tells me what to do". Seriously. From a 50-year-old man. Needless to say, he bought the car, and doesn't drive it.

    He's one maniac of a control-freak, so I try to avoid him whenever I can, but he likes to know how my life is going to look like he might pass as an adequate father. I don't let him get to me, seeing as how this is my life, and I'm not here for him to control. Yes, he tries to control what happens in my life, and competes with me over it.

    Last week, he finally got to me. It was my mother's would-be birthday, and the family discussed how we would celebrate. It was my dad's idea to hide all her information on facebook so anyone that didn't remember it couldn't celebrate. He suggested lighting a candle and holding a vigil. I told him that that would depress me, and my lil'bro agreed. So NO CANDLE, NO VIGIL. But let people celebrate how they want, right? Let her friends know on facebook, all the people who love her want to be able to, you can't deny them that!! But dad was going to have his little thing himself, and have things his way.

    I wake up and get ready for school, and when I get to my spot at the table to eat breakfast, guess what I found?

    A LIT CANDLE. I storm into the living room. We had both agreed on no candle for me. My dad is either going senile or is trying to hurt me. The smug look on his face said the latter. He wants me to be upset! Apparently, you CAN'T grieve the way you want! He had to have everything go his way, but why'd he have to look so SMUG? Arms crossed, nose upturned and everything!

    He's been neglecting to take care of my brother. He's been forgetting important things, like dates of his school band recitals or medicine he needs. There's no food in the house, because dad is never there. The only thing he does anymore is shove his dumb girlfriend into our lives and say hurtful things to his own children. Albeit, I am no child, but he knows not how to care for us. He's always been like this. Him first. I could handle this if my mom were still around, because she actually cared and got shit DONE. She was the glue that held our family together. She took care of everything else first, and herself second -sometimes even not at all. Which is how she died! She didn't take good enough care of herself!

    On the way to school the morning of her birthday, I thought that everything would be better off without me. That I would be better off without me. I pulled my car out into traffic in front of the biggest truck I could see.

    There was a burst of adrenaline, and the blaring of horns, and we both drove away unscathed. I pulled over into a parking lot and finally broke down and cried, as hard as I could.

    That was not the right thing to do. It was not right because it would not have just been me that would be hurt, but another innocent person. It was not right because it was not my own thought that I was upset. It was my father's.

    He's Leonardo DiCaprio and my life is Inception. I've been betrayed. Not just by my father, but also by me. Does he not want me to live? I know he doesn't want me to be happy. That's obvious. I know I can't live in this house anymore, but he keeps telling me that I'm not old enough, or not ready. I don't want to be ALONE, do I? Noooo, that would make things worse, so it's best that I stay stuck here.

    Today was the second time in my life I have seriously thought about suicide. I told my best friend this story. We've been friends for a long time, and she is one of the people I felt I had betrayed, including myself. Her whole family is stickin' out for me, so there's at least some comfort I can find somewhere.

    But how do I tell my narcissist father these events? Every time I try to get into an important conversation, he stops me, won't let me finish, dominates and manipulates the conversation so HE is the victim. He's a coward. He screams if he is not the one talking and thinks he should be. What a toddler.

    How do I get help? Help with my suicidal thoughts and my family matters? I don't feel depressed mostly, but when it hits it hits HARD. I cannot live like this, but I have no choice. Not to mention, if I left, who would take care of my younger brother? I can't die! I won't! I'm the one people depend on when they need care, and I shouldn't have to be! But taking care of my family and myself is something I can't do alone. I need a first step. Please help me.
  2. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    I'm really sorry about your mom. I lost my mom suddenly (3 years ago) and the loss was terrible.

    Would you consider going to a therapist? A good therapist can help you with some coping skills as you decide how to balance your needs against your family's needs. I see what you mean about needing to be there for your brother but it doesn't sound like a healthy environment at all.

    Sounds like you don't really want to die but that you are frustrated beyond belief. In the short term, until you find a therapist, you can always call the crisis line. They will listen to you as much as you need and help you through the worst of the suicidal feelings. Don't be shy about calling. That's what they are there for.

    And keep posting here. There's always someone around willing to listen.

  3. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry that you are going through this.

    Unfortunately, I understand what it's like to have a childish asshole father.

    Do you have relatives that you could live with instead of living with your dad?

    What Catherine said about therapy sounds good.

    Did your mom leave a will? Could be he was not observing the terms of it if there is one.

    Yeah, your dad is a total idiot and a jerk and he deserves to be slapped really hard
  4. solutions

    solutions Well-Known Member

    Familial therapy and/or individual therapy would probably be the most beneficial. The problem is getting them to happen. It doesn't sound like something your father would be thrilled to help with.

    Anyway, has your father always been like that, or did this come about only after your mother's death? If what you said is true, his grieving period was abnormally short, suggesting that your parents really weren't that close. Or, alternately, he scrambled to find a girlfriend as fast as he could to fill the void in his life. Or maybe he just doesn't know how to deal with grief. There are a lot of possible explanations for his actions.

    I think a few things would help you. Here's the hardest one: If you haven't already, find an opportunity to calmly talk to him about how you're feeling. You don't have to break down in front of him, but tell him that the way he's been acting has been seriously bothering you. Identify the things he's done to upset you. See if he listens. If he doesn't listen, what that's going to ultimately mean is that you'll have to avoid him. There's really nothing you can do about him if he won't even listen to you.

    That also makes finding individualized therapy difficult. Could you pay for it on your own, or would you be reliant on your father's finances? If you can find a way to pay for therapy, do research on who specializes in what. Make phone calls to different therapists in the area, and when you talk to them, ask them if they have experience with problems like yours. You don't want a therapist who wings it.

    Since the focal point of this whole thing lies in how your father is treating you, that's what has to be addressed. Again, try to talk to him. If he doesn't listen, talk to someone else so you can focus on your needs.

    It might not be easy to sort all this out. It'll take time, persistence, and professional help. But it's better than ignoring the problem. I've had conflicts with my father that have me sobbing in hurt rage for the things he's done to me in the past. I'm still trying to deal with him. Usually, I just avoid him when he's been drinking or is otherwise not himself. I think that's the best thing I can do with him, because I'm not responsible for his actions. If you can't get any progress with your father, that might be the only thing you can do.
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 15, 2011
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