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new year, new guy, same old...

Discussion in 'Welcome' started by timalexwar, Jan 8, 2012.

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  1. timalexwar

    timalexwar New Member

    Believe me, I didn't wake up today thinking I would be introducing myself on a "suicide discussion" forum. I am 61, single (always) male Christian, homosexual, celibate, self-employed. What drives me to despair is the useless struggle I go through. Financially I am living below normal poverty level. Every month my phone/electricity are in threat of disconnection and I get threatened with eviction. I am a self-employed housepainter/handyman. I work as hard and as much as i can.... my jobs come through referrals and previous clients. I do good work, but don't charge enough, obviously. This economic climate constantly has people asking for lower prices which I try to extend to them. The point is, there is no reason for me to continue in this hopeless struggle. It wears me out. I take Zoloft for depression and OCD. I pray, but my faith is weak. I don't go to church anymore. I see a psych tech about every 6 months. I wish I could see a hopeful future but it seems to get worse especially over the past year or so. I was thinking about selling my body to a medical laboratory and then they could use me for any kind of tests for anything without worrying about my possible death. I am not capable of killing myself, but then, I don't seem capable of getting out of my situation either existentially/emotionally/psychologically. I do think of suicide. But I don't really want to kill myself, I want things to be different. But wanting things to be different and actually making them different are two different things. I will say more but this is my introduction.

  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Just want to say hi welcome to SF sorry to hear you are struggling dam economy eh glad to see you reaching out here hun for support
  3. jeroen

    jeroen Well-Known Member

    Hi Tim

    you describe two points (and more) in your post, first the homosexuality and second the poverty. Can you tell some more about the reasons for your celibacy? I assume this has a lot to do with your faith, but you also say your faith is weak. Without trying to start a theological debate I just want to point out there are many churches with very open views on homosexuality. If this is something that bothers you a lot I would recommend speaking to the minister of such a church. They know the religious landscape in your area and might even help you finding a support group for other gay people who struggle with their faith.

    I wish you the best. :)
  4. jimk

    jimk Staff Alumni

    HI Tim.. welcome to SF... sorry you seem to be stuck in a dismal situation currently.. lots of that going on here for many other people.. look around here some more and see the forums .. maybe you will find one to post some more here.. tc, Jim
  5. timalexwar

    timalexwar New Member

    In response to Jeroen

    The reasons for my celibacy are these: in 1992 I became an active participant in a residential ex-gay ministry program and was a client for four years. I made a "vow" at that time. Over the past two decades, my chosen path led me into monastic life for about 7 years as well. It has been within the past two years that my entire sexual nature has emerged . I think that this is contributing a lot to my lack of confidence and crisis of faith. I don't necessarily want to "act out" my sexuality beyond the solosexual activities in which I sometimes engage. The issue here is moreso that I have been hesitant in my "relationship" with God because my actions are less than adhering to the moral strictness I once applied to myself. IOW I use porn and masturbate. I used to never do that!

    The poverty is another issue entirely. I moved to where I live now, Memphis Tn. to work with an ex-gay iinistry. That all fell apart and it was necessary for me to work to maintain my life/needs. But I actually hate Memphis although I love the work I do. But I am so far in debt because of non-payment of rent (about 3000$) and my landlord can't take it anymore. Somedays I have to decide between gas or food. It's a mess. And I get so panicked and full of anxiety that I can't think clearly.

    This is getting down to the crux of the matter that has me paralyzed.

  6. jeroen

    jeroen Well-Known Member

    To be honest, I know close to nothing about finances and especially not in the United States. But as a student of theology I have struggled with homosexuality and the Bible from another viewpoint, it was very hard for me as a believer to revere a book that had such strange views on gays. After some study I concluded that I could not agree with the literal words in the Bible on gays. There were some parts however that led me to believe the spirit of the Bible contrasted the words of anti-gay christian sentiments. The first is the anti-gay verse in the New Testament, Romans 1:26-27, you are probably aware of it. First note that at the very least this does not fully apply to your situation. Some people think this applies to heterosexual people who had sex with other people of the same sex, hence the "natural function". I don't believe that to be honest, given Paul's Jewish background. The text probably is about orgies in Greek temples, nonetheless it does speak out against homosexuality, but more so against not glorifying God. The second verse I want to discuss is 1 Corinthians 7:9. This says it is better to marry than to burn from desire. I might be making a giant leap but could it be possible it would also be better to have a monogamous relationship with another man than to burn from the desire to just have sex?

    1. Trying to be celibate because you think God demands it from you is an obstacle for you to hold the most important command from Matthew 22:34-40:

    2. You're not celibate, face it even looking at a woman with lust is called adultery according to Matthew 5:27-31, looking at porn and masturbating to it is not celibate. You have tried to be celibate, it didn't work out, you need to have a different strategy.

    3. So if you can't be celibate, what strategies are open? Well you could try it with a woman but that will probably not work out either. In fact, that could turn out to become a very sticky situation... So you could try some sort of homosexual relationship. If it is better to marry than to burn in lust, because you can then hold the most important commandment, perhaps it is also better to be in a serious loving homosexual relationship and hold the most important commandment.

    I knew I said I was not trying to start a theological debate, sorry... ;-)
  7. timalexwar

    timalexwar New Member

    Jeroen: I am glad to see a student of theology here! And I appreciate your bringing up the issues which you did. I know you are correct. I probably have broken my celibacy vow and that is what plagues me. I try to rationalize it by saying that I am not involving another person.but, my conscience is not clean before God or in relation to God because of my use of porn and masturbation. Should I be discussing these issues on another forum here? Redirect me, if you can. Thanks! Tim
  8. jeroen

    jeroen Well-Known Member

    Good to see my post was useful to you. This kind of discussion probably belongs in the "Relationships and sexual orientation" forum. :)
  9. Viro

    Viro Well-Known Member

    Have you considered attempting to change your religion rather than your sexuality? There are plenty of affirming denominations out there that may help you find an answer.
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