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New year new life?

Discussion in 'Welcome' started by jamie82, Dec 30, 2011.

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  1. jamie82

    jamie82 New Member

    Well, never in my life did I think I'd be posting on a forum like this but here I am...

    I tried to kill myself a few months ago. I don't know when because honestly I can't remember. The onslaught has been therapy and going back to my usual self of pretending everything is ok. It isn't, but even my therapist is thinking everything is going great! Yet here I am tonight thinking of the pros and cons of being here.

    Back in 1999 I was a very promising musician, getting all the gigs and plaudits going. Then thanks to an illness I lost my hearing to quite a large extent and proceeded to go through chemotherapy. I still completed a degree in music performance and got to quite a high level, but it was a constant struggle. Getting myself in a lot of debt with expensive hearing aids and just constantly resenting what I can't hear.

    Having left music completely I am now working in retail, but facing the same issues with conversing with people. I'm just tired of having to try to hear. I've had relationship issues recently - broke up with my wife to be and had a major fall out with my brother at Christmas. Recent issues with self harming, eating disorders, drinking too much, oh, and the suicide attempt... Anything that makes me feel shit really.

    Why do I want to stay alive? Well, to be honest I'm running out of reasons. I'm sitting in a rented flat, alone, and planning to stay that way till I go back to work on the 4th of January. I've not seen or conversed with anyone since the 26th and I loathe having to do so on the 4th.

    How the hell do I get out of this? Why can't I just admit I have a problem? It just seems like I'm a ticking time bomb to be honest.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi jamie welcome to sf hun you get out of it hun by just picking up that dam phone and calling crisis line your doc and say outright i need help okay Please you deserve compassion hun please reach out for it.
  3. jamie82

    jamie82 New Member

    I wish I could. But I feel I have too much to lose by admitting where I am. Does that make sense? From the docs point of view it was a reaction to a relationship break up. That was really just the catalyst not to mention a good long time ago now!
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Yes it does makes sense i get it but you have alot to lose if you don't hun how much longer can you withstand the sadness please i see reaching out to someone yu trust to keep things between just two of you a professional hun will hellp you release some of that pressure that darkness Make sure it is someone you trust to keep confidentiality okay
  5. jamie82

    jamie82 New Member

    Thank you. I'll try.
  6. jimk

    jimk Staff Alumni

    Hi Jamie and welcome to SF..
  7. DATE with DEATH

    DATE with DEATH New Member

    Hello Jamie, i am a musician too and i can understand your great loss...I used to tutor small children mathematics and reading when I was really down...maybe that might help you get out of your rutt...i find children are far easier to be around than adults
  8. jamie82

    jamie82 New Member

    Thanks everyone. Feeling a lot better. Been out doing a lot of running - two marathons coming up this year! :)

    Teaching is a nice suggestion, I see your thinking. Did enjoy it, but preferred the live performance side of music. I'm going to keep my head up, concentrate on the running and focus on a new year. Got an appointment with my doctor on the 10th, so looking forward to that kind of. Determined not to have any meds, so fingers crossed!

    I appreciate the welcome, I think writing things down helped a lot.

    Cheers everyone!
  9. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hi Jamie, welcome to the forums, I hope things get better for you x
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