So I decided, in the spirit of new year, to give things a (maybe) last try. Problem is to improve anything, there has to be so much work done, and its such a long process, I simply don't know how Ill have any energy. I went trough all the areas in my life (feel free to join me and post yours) that are a mess- almost all. And they all affect each other and stop any possible step forward. Career- I need to start finding the program I wish to study, prepare all documents I need (I missed next fall anyway, so I don't even know how things will go), take a GRE program etc... I need to get a job. For the things where I can work I have to get some stuff ready, make a portfolio if I want to do anything meaningful. TO do that I need to have more work. I don't have motivation for painting or space right now. I could take a class just to help me structure time and get a portfolio but it costs so I want to get a job before any classes. I have a commitment to finish something for someone that takes lots of my time and I am also so unorganized. To focus on work, looking for school, classes and whatnot I need some stability and consistency and advice and bit of help organizing and I have none of that. I just get overwhelmed when faced with options and requirements and feel I have nothing together. My Masters is totally useless in this country so I'm just wasting time not able to do much in my field until I get a diploma from US and that will take lots of time. I feel so lame, just a while ago I was proud to be a great student, and doing things on the side like learning languages and doing art...didn't think I could crash so badly. now I am just a person who already wasted too much time, with no experience in anything and having to start over with everything. And everyone has their idea and their disappointment and I get overwhelmed and don't know how or what to plan and what steps to take. Well Ill try... Relationship is still a mess I see no way out off, draining so much energy and when you're never fully sure if you're staying or leaving or dying its almost impossible to focus on other things that would get me out and probably improve this area (both me and my partner are messed up cause we can't seem to catch a break, were all we have, its taking its tool on both and at the same time leaving is impossible) Well, I wont even go here now. Family is far from me, which could be ok and normal in some better circumstances. My grandma died few months ago, couldn't even go to the funeral. My partner hates my family, and where Im from and Im at the point where it feels like Ill never even be able to be alone with them again cause he doesn't understand anything. My family just wants to see me, I have to pretend all the time all is great, none of them can help, they just need to be constantly re assured all is fantastic until it gets so far I can't even continue the charade. I have no friends and very little chance of getting any. Im relatively healthy at least but I smoke weed every day and my mind is a total blur. Thing is, I have so little motivation to stop since days just go by and nothing is changing, nothing to just give me that one little initiative to get some energy, to lift me up just a bit. I need anything to hold on to while I try to fix my life, feeling totally helpless and totally alone. I am serious about starting some counseling even though just the idea of looking trough options online and making appointment and not even knowing if I selected the right person and price just gets so discouraging. I know its insane, it shouldn't be a problem even but to me it is for some reason. I know Ill have to make myself but its so hard to do anything, just one thing I wish I could just "get" until Im better. Maybe even though I want to try, I have actually given up while ago and just can't make myself believe anything can be better. For instance, if I am educated, if I am not stupid (used to be smart, lately I am stupid probably due to weed and total lethargy), If I used to be good at things... why does it feel no one will hire me, why does it feel I wont get into any school anyway? I can reason with myself or try to give myself some credit or praise but I fundamentally don't believe it. So I have some talent in art, and there was time where it was easy and everyone thought it was great. Now I just feel, well many people do and they do more work, why would anyone take me seriously. With zero confidence and energy I don't know how I will even start fixing my problems that all look huge and impossible. I don't know how I got to this point. I feel if I could only go back 3 years (or 2), I would have it all. I lost myself totally for a RELATIONSHIP. ITs pathetic. How can I not hate myself? I wasn't even that kind of person... And to know I should be able to do more, I should be able to achieve so much more then this, makes it worse. TO hear about people who struggled all their lives and I am here and can't even make a therapy appointment cause its too much is really saying something about my character, I just had no idea that that was me. Its terrible. I have no good excuse. How can I feel anything better for myself when I am such a waste as a person. ' Sorry everyone for the rant. Point was supposed to be Ill try.