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New Years Resolutions... down the drain...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Nuri, Jan 2, 2007.

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  1. Nuri

    Nuri Well-Known Member

    Woke up this morning, got myself a gun... (Ignore the lyrics from Alabama 3 - Woke Up this Morning....)

    Ok, well recently i've been struggling with a bit of heart break, my ex-girlfriend in Norway chose to dump me because of another guy, who was 23 and I am 16.

    Her relationship between that 23 year old shortly fell through the roof though, which I was happy about and I was there at the time. He wasn't right for her anyway.

    That night and the next day were a bit pemiscuous, on the night that she had a break up with the 23 year old, who I saw her kissing without me knowing who it was... we were drnunk, we had sexual intercourse, it wasn't the first time that we had done it but it was the first as ex's yet best friends, in her room... because we were ex's, she told me after had commited the act of adultery to not get too attached and so on but, ofcourse, thats hard when she's your ex, you've still got a broken heart because of her and you love her more than anything else on the planet, including my family.

    I was quite broken at the period of time, regardless of what moment we had just shared because I really wanted to get back with her, so I cried and being the kind compassionate that she is, she held me and made sure I was alright by giving me a kiss on the cheek and such.

    The next morning, I woke up to find her laying next to me and it was always a pleasure to wake up with her laying next to me and I shall miss that for the rest of my life.

    We went to the friends house again, socialised for a bit with her two gay friends, we both went out for a walk to where she worked at the point, none of us holding each other and such... untill we were walking back to their house, I was falling apart in silence as my mind was telling me that she didn't care and such but then at the very moment when numerous tears started flowing down my face, she grabbed my arm and held me... It gave me hope that she still loved me, we got inside the house, her two friends had gone out, we got drunk, she cut my hair (gave me a bald spot too...) and so on... anyway...

    I went home, to England, the next day and communicaton between the two of us was a bit off due to her moving into a new apartment and such... She phones me about a couple of days later to tell me that she's been to a club, she's drunk and theres another guy that she likes... I broke to pieces yet again, in silence and she had a go at me saying that I was cliché for always being nice and such... as drunk people do.

    The next night, she phones me up again, she's drunk ofcourse, at her apartment, she asks me questions such as "Do you look at other girls?", I hav trouble answering them due to the fact that she didn't believe me when I answered with the honest answer. She got mad at me, I cried, I grabbed a knife, ran outside the house with my family worrying about me... she phones me again to apologise, I tell her that I love her... she answers with... "Right..." and it evolves into me slitting my wrist, which I hadn't done for a long time, running back home, putting tissue paper on my wrist, hiding it from my mother and brother then... She phones again, tells me that she's really sorry, she loves me, she dosn't want me to get hurt and so on... I went to sleep.

    The next days/weeks were un-eventful untill... Boxing Day... I was at my Nan and Grandad's house, with my mother, father, brother and my uncle, auntie, cousins. She phones me when i'm sitting down with the family, I leave the room to go upstairs, I answer the phone... I get informed that there is another guy, yet again, this time it's serious and it hasn't been long since she had broke up with me either... she tells me things about him, I think I heard that he was in Prison, he's 23 and he has a song... They're living together and they've known each other for about a week... I try and be strong, for her and I succeeded untill she hang up after we had said good bye at the end of our conversation...

    I went into my grandad's study to write a little letter on the computer which came to a halt when my 23 year old brother lectured me about her and various other things...

    The night progressed, we went to sleep... I couldn't sleep though, with all of this happening in such a short period of time... I text her, with a meaningful text and it includes the words... "Soul mates forever? No matter how much you break me, my life, my dreams and my hope?"... Ofcourse, she finds this a bit cruel and says that we can never be together again.

    I lost contact with her after that, untill now, by my own will. She texted me this morning saying that I could phone her, I asked her how she is and so on... but guess what I find out... She is engaged to him and they have only known each other for 2 weeks and 1 day. Talk about taking things fast, seriously.

    How does she expect me to respond to that?

    I still love her, after all she put me through...

    After New Years Eve, I had a break through... I wanted to become a Musician, BBC Presenter (working with the BBC) or a footballer but now... I can't live up to those, like this. I've got no reason to live anymore...

    Anyway, i'm feeling rather suicidal and such now... New Years Resolutions, crushed, just like me. I feel like a fucking used condom, I apologise for the profanity. I just don't know what to do any more...

    Anyone got any advice for me? I have College in a few days, if I get accepted and I don't think i'm ready for it, in this state.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 2, 2007
  2. Lou

    Lou Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry she's treated you this way :(

    I know it's going to be hard, but you need to let her carry on with her life, and if she messes up it's not your problem, she's the one who chose to hurt you :( Don't let her keep doing it.

    {{{hugs}}} to you, and i'm always around if you ever want a chat x
  3. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    Cal, get yourself into that college and throw your heart and soul into study.

    You need a complete break from all this madness and putting your head into something else will enable you to stand back from it all for a bit.

    This young lady obviously doesn't know what she wants, or who for that matter.

    You need to start looking after yourself. Hate to use the age card, but you are so young and have so much ahead of you. You will love again (know you won't believe me on that one but it's true) and hopefully the next love will be the one you ache for.
  4. Nuri

    Nuri Well-Known Member

    I know that I will love again and thats not a problem for me... The problem is... I may love again but will anyone ever love me?

    I am leaning towards going to College but at the same time, i'm not sure if it will provide the right break for me.

    I'm afraid that I will repeat all the Anxiety attacks again in College; the two Counselor's that i'm seeing havn't helped one bit.

    If I don't go to College that I can get a job and eventually I would be able to purchase all the musical equipment I need, aswell as other things.

    I'm still un-decided.
  5. Esmeralda

    Esmeralda Well-Known Member

    Go to college. College was one of the best experiences of my life. You will meet new people who you will come to care for and you will interact socially with many different types of individuals. College can be a real blast if you take advantage of it.

    Also, I helped a friend go through something like this as well. Ideally, you should just stop talking to this girl altogether. Otherwise, she will keep manipulating you and pulling you back in as she self-destructs and takes you down with her. She wants to keep you waiting in the wings so that when she screws her life up, she has someone there to catch her when she falls. The problem is, there is no-one there to catch you when she screws you over yet again. This is what is going to happen: Things with prison-boy will blow up in her face and she will come crying to you. If I were you, I would simply tell her that you can no longer be her friend because of your feelings for her and that in order to get over her, you need to cease all contact with her.

    Then just go to college. You will be in a new environment with new people and the change will ultimately do you a lot of good.
  6. ace

    ace Well-Known Member

    Nuri listen here buddy you will be loved again believe me and I'm not just saying that,I know she hurt you and it's a shocking feeling of course but prove to her and show yourself that she's not going to knock you down.Show here in your own self how good you're and that you're to good for her,she hurt you don't worry what goes around comes around I don't know if you've heard of that saying before.
    In time you will heal believe me it's a formality and I'm not just saying that but it's the truth mate.
  7. Maxii..

    Maxii.. Well-Known Member

    women just suck..
    they have no idea of what they want..
    go to college.. and you'll get over it..
    if you don't keep studying, in a few years/months.. you'll realice that you've wasted a long period of your life in someone you just don't need anymore..

    good luck..
  8. Esmeralda

    Esmeralda Well-Known Member

    That was nice...
  9. thecleric

    thecleric Guest

    I disagree. Peanut's college sounds like it was a lot of fun, but mine was a hell of a lot of work. And if your depression gets in the way of completing that work, you'll soon find yourself with more to be depressed about.

    I've never been in this situation, but this advice instinctively seems right.

    So my suggestion would be to delay matriculation for a year, get away from that chick, and lose yourself in doing something interesting for a year. Then you'll be in a position to do well in college.
  10. Esmeralda

    Esmeralda Well-Known Member

    If you delay going to college, then you may find it difficult to go back. Many people don't. If you are worried about your studies, then maybe you could take fewer hours until you get the hang of it. A word of advice: don't take classes in the morning. You will probably not make it to class if you do.

    It might help to go away and make new friends and get away from the life that is currently depressing you.
  11. thecleric

    thecleric Guest

    True. My college offered "delayed matriculation," in which you told them that you want to start next year, rather than this year. They'd hold your spot for you. (Obviously, that's only an issue for a fairly competitive college.)

    The beauty of it is that you make your applications while you're still in high school, as normal people do, with all the counsellors and teachers ready to write letters and so forth. Then you get a specific period of time (one year) to break your bad habits and do something different.

    My suggestion? Learn a trade for a year. Even if you don't end up with a PhD in physics, you'll still be able to impress everyone by fixing your own wiring or plumbing. I'd bet that sort of skill could even impress cute girls like Peanut!

  12. Esmeralda

    Esmeralda Well-Known Member

    Cleric is right. A man with a skill can definitely be impressive. I guess it goes back to caveman times when women looked for someone who could take care of them :)
  13. Nuri

    Nuri Well-Known Member

    Thank you very much for your wisdom/knowledge and so on...

    I know exactly what I want to do with my life; my life has always and always will revolve around music. Music is the only thing that will ever keep me alive, I love music, without music, I am nothing.

    I want to become a Musician; perhaps a Lead Singer and Song Writer in a Band or just play the Piano.

    My ex-girlfriend haunts me as every day passes through my thoughts or even phoning me. I was sleeping today and she phoned me, I suddenly woke up, saw who was phoning me, went into the biggest anxiety attack i've ever been into; shaking and everything, I never managed to answer the phone. I want her out of my life.

    I already have a Lead Guitarist in mind and thats my brother; who is 23 and has been playing the Guitar for about 8 - 9 years. I have no idea how to get other people though as I am an outcast. I have no friends. The only real friend that I ever had was my ex-gf but she left me, broken. I had to move twice aswell which didn't help.

    Money is also a problem if I were to start a band, if I go to College then I won't be able to work and get money to fund the band etc... I will meet friends, become more socially adept and so on but my pocket will be empty.

    As you can see, I have hope, dreams and such again but I have no ladder to reach them.

    I suppose I could go to College and get a weekend job but I don't want to end up drained.

    I don't want to be stuck in an Office, like my Dad wants me to.

    Any other ideas?
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 5, 2007
  14. thecleric

    thecleric Guest

    Sounds great! But don't expect it to pay the bills. The number of successful professional musicians isn't much greater than the number of professional athletes.

    Fortunately, lots of people get a lot of enjoyment from playing for nothing or almost nothing in bars, coffeehouses, or churches. Dive in and enjoy it.

    Expect to make a significant commitment to practise, and remember that you'll need a day job to keep a roof over your head. So you might as well go study something in college that'll lead to a job that's tolerably pleasant and well-enough-paying.

    Oh for goodness' sake--doesn't your phone have a function to block calls from a particular number?
  15. Esmeralda

    Esmeralda Well-Known Member

    I'm glad you know what you want to do! If you decide to go the college route, why not major in Music? You will have access to instruments (which you will probably be allowed to borrow from the school) as well as meeting others who have the same goals that you do, whom you might be able to get to help you start up a band. You will also meet lots of other tortured artist types :) The professors there may be helpful as they will know others in the artistic community and might be able to get you some work. If you graduate with a degree in Music, then even if your band is not successful, you will be able to teach music at a school or even give private lessons.

    As far as the girl goes, good for you not answering her phone call. I suggest you keep it up. It will eventually become less painful as time goes on, but putting her out of your life is probably a good idea.
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