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Discussion in 'Welcome' started by faithgone, Mar 1, 2014.

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  1. faithgone

    faithgone Member

    I'm new to the forum. I was searching for information on suicide and ended up at this site. I have had depression for most of my life. It went untreated for a long time. I attempted suicide and very nearly succeeded. My Ma is the one that found me. It's been 8 years since. I still have thoughts of suicide when things get really bad. But I also have thoughts about my mom. I don't want to do that to her again. I know I need help but can't seem to find the right kind. I am on medication and I go to therapy every week. But lately I've felt very stuck. I live alone in my own apartment. This year I've had to attempt to survive on $30 a week. There was a period of a couple months where I ate one thing a day 'cause that's all the food I could afford. There have been plenty of points where I just thought it'd be better if I just died. But then I remember that suicide doesn't just hurt me- it hurts everyone around me. I would be gone, so there'd be nothing I could do to help anyone, but everyone that knows me would be affected in some way. I don't really care about who I hurt, except for my parents. I've been angry enough to just want to say "fuck you" to everyone, but I couldn't bring myself to justify putting my parents through it, especially my Ma. She has been trying to help me however she can- giving me food, clothes, and money if she could. I am the youngest in my family, but I am the smartest one. I am the only one that lives on my own. I visit home every other weekend, but I am on my own 12 out of every 14 days. I am hurting very badly, but I don't want to hurt anyone else. But after having gotten so close before, I know it is impossible to kill myself without hurting the ones that love me. So I am trying to find help wherever I can. I have had some success with finding help online before, so I thought I'd try it again. I feel safer writing on a computer than talking to people face-to-face. I don't have internet at my apartment though- I have to go to the library to use the internet. And when I visit home, I can get online. But right about now I'm just trying to find a way to get through one more day.
  2. Twocky61

    Twocky61 Banned Member

    Sorry to hear what you are going through Faithgone

    Your Mom being there for you is a good thing & hopefully helps you to cope

    tc Faithgone

  3. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    Hi Faithgone. really sorry to read about the pain you wrote. I think you are wise to understand that the pain it would bring your parents would be horrible. Many people cannot see that. Even though in their case it would be true. Even I, during times of great despair, have tried to rationalize that my family would be better off. But it is far from the truth. So I do commend you for seeing this.

    I think this community is great. So I am glad you found us. There are some really caring people here. And of course we share something in common. Grappling with these feelings currently or for some, in the past. It is a place where you can write how you feel and people will be willing to really hear you. Because we do understand pain.

    I hope you can be here often. Find ways to connect. Even though you cannot do it through your home. I am glad you are here.
  4. unionfalls

    unionfalls Well-Known Member

    Welcome faithgone,
    I am glad you are reaching out here. I am sorry you are having such difficult times, I really am. I had the same reason as you the last time I was considering suicide, couldn't put my mother through that again. I know you will find some support here, but are there any local government/health/community groups that you could also reach out to? I hope there are, the isolation sucks, I know. Keep coming back please, as this site has been very helpful for me, it will for you as well.
  5. scaryforest

    scaryforest Banned Member

    hi, glad you found this forum, welcome
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