I'm new to the forum. I was searching for information on suicide and ended up at this site. I have had depression for most of my life. It went untreated for a long time. I attempted suicide and very nearly succeeded. My Ma is the one that found me. It's been 8 years since. I still have thoughts of suicide when things get really bad. But I also have thoughts about my mom. I don't want to do that to her again. I know I need help but can't seem to find the right kind. I am on medication and I go to therapy every week. But lately I've felt very stuck. I live alone in my own apartment. This year I've had to attempt to survive on $30 a week. There was a period of a couple months where I ate one thing a day 'cause that's all the food I could afford. There have been plenty of points where I just thought it'd be better if I just died. But then I remember that suicide doesn't just hurt me- it hurts everyone around me. I would be gone, so there'd be nothing I could do to help anyone, but everyone that knows me would be affected in some way. I don't really care about who I hurt, except for my parents. I've been angry enough to just want to say "fuck you" to everyone, but I couldn't bring myself to justify putting my parents through it, especially my Ma. She has been trying to help me however she can- giving me food, clothes, and money if she could. I am the youngest in my family, but I am the smartest one. I am the only one that lives on my own. I visit home every other weekend, but I am on my own 12 out of every 14 days. I am hurting very badly, but I don't want to hurt anyone else. But after having gotten so close before, I know it is impossible to kill myself without hurting the ones that love me. So I am trying to find help wherever I can. I have had some success with finding help online before, so I thought I'd try it again. I feel safer writing on a computer than talking to people face-to-face. I don't have internet at my apartment though- I have to go to the library to use the internet. And when I visit home, I can get online. But right about now I'm just trying to find a way to get through one more day.