Discussion in 'Welcome' started by owl, Apr 24, 2007.
hi im new
just saying hi
and oh yeah
i want to kill myself
Hi and welcome to Sf, would you like to tell us a little more about why you are feeling like this.
I hope you find the help and support you need here.
Hi owl, and welcome to SF
Take care, and hope to see you around :hug:
Welcome to SF
I hope you find some support here ^_^
Welcome to the site
You sound so bubbly about it.
:welcome: to SF hun. Want to tell us what has brought you to this place in your life? I hope you find what you need here. :hug:
Don't be fooled...we are hide things.
we're hear to listen
let me tell you my story...
im 19 and i from in northwest london
i grew up in a flat above a shop and my family has never had much money
my father caught hepatitus C and became part of a drugs trial. the trial was succesful and the hepatitus was cured. unfortunatly they did not know about the drugs side effects. in some people the drug called "interferon" basically casues brain damage.
my father is now mentally ill and unable to work.
this started when i was about 11.
sometimes he would become violent and mess up the house or hold a knife to my sister or i. once he threw my laptop at me and then out the window - remember where i said i grew up??? four floors down to the ground. my college career smashed on the car park floor, and five stiches and a black eye too.
once my mother and i found four nooses in the under stairs cupboard. he said he made them for all of us.
i have lived by myself since i was 15.
my first attempt was at 14
second at 15
third at 16
and fourth at 19
i love my father and have never gotten on with my sister or mother. so when my father locked us all outside of the hosue one week and barricaded himself in my mother and sister went to stay with a friend from church. thy said thre was no room for me and i was left to fend for myself for three months.
my father used to be an actor so whenever we try and get him sectioned he acts his way through supremly.
you can see it in my fathers eyes when he changes. hes not himself. when that happens you know its the time to keep still and not say a word. if you cant make him angyr he cant do anything to you.
but when he wakes up in the morning he doesnt remember a thing.
im a difficult person. hard to get allong with and understand. only two people in my life have ever spoken to me properly. one being my father - who now sometimes thinks im the cat and two being my best friend and now ex-bf, sam.
when i self harm noone can make me see sense. but when sam spoke to me. i didnt even get the urge. it just stopped.
we met at high school - him being in the year below me.
hes beautiful, half jamaican, dreadlocks half way down his back, skin like caramel, eyes that you can just about see a fire burning inside.
we started dating when we were 16, july 20th 2004.
i could go to his house whenever i needed a haven from mine, his mother even made space in her family for me. i always got the feeling she never liked me but still knew sam and i were made for one another.
everything was wonderful, we applied to university together and both got accepted at brighton. we moved down on september 2006. into seperate houses first of all and then in november he asked me to live with him. i accepted and moved all my things in. we had moved from london to start our life together and he even took me to dinner to celebrate.
on december 29th 2006, after spending a wonderful christmas together he told me he no longer wanted to be with me.
its now four months later i live two roads away from out little flat in brighton - where he still lives and i havent seen him in nearly three months.
he knew after the break up i would become depressed ad he swore to me he would help me through. and he hasnt.
so now when i cut myself i have nobody to talk to. our mutual friends no longer speak to me.
i love sam more than i thought i could ever love anyone and i didnt believe in soul mates until i met him. but more than anything i just miss my best friend the one who talks to me and calms me.
like i said my last attempt was in janurary. sleeping pills again. i curled up with our photo album after writing out my will, and woke up about 8 hours later and threw up.
now i work in a hospital and have access to anti-emetics.
when we broke up people said - dont worry things will look up from here.
last week i wrote off my car by accident. the paramedic said if i was doing just 5mph faster i would have most definatly broken my neck and died. he said i was lucky. rather the opposite i think.
i now may have to leave uni bscause the course im doing - you have to have a car for and i cant get a new one anytime soon.
my life has been one entire downhill struggle.
oh to fall asleep and peacefully drift away dreaming of a time when i was happy.
oh to have the power to be able to close my lungs as easy as it is to close my eyes.
the only thing that is keeping me here is maybe just maybe sam will begin to miss me, he will remeber the good times we had instead of the bad. and maybe he will want me back because for me there is no-one else. and after saying that about 100 times to sams and my best friend, she agreed.
"there may be dozens of people out there for him, but for me there isnt, hes my one and there will never be anyone else"
"yeah i know, im sorry"
if you have got this far congratualtions and thanx for reading, ive actually brightoned up the story quite a bit, didnt want to push anyone over the edge at my expense.
welcome to sf, owl :welcome:
I'm really sorry to hear all that ^ :sad: Please do stick around here and you'll see that we're a bunch of friendly people. Hopefully you find the support you need here :hug:
If you ever want a private talk, feel free to drop me a PM
Oh hunny, I feel for you with this bit - the rest must have been tough for you, but this is the only bit I can honestly say I can relate to. And I know from experience that it sucks. All that I can say is that it may get better with time, even if that time feels like a very long one.
I'm here if you wanna talk :hug:
hi owl. welcome to sf. i hope you can find some suport here x
Welcome to the site. Hope you enjoy the site.
See you around.
Welcome to SF!!! I hope that you receive the help that you need here :biggrin: