• Apologies for the issue with a bizarre redirect on the site earlier today. There was a large server update and an error in an IP address had the traffic routing wrongly. No hacking or anything nefarious and nothing to worry about. Sorry for any stress/anxiety caused. Very best wishes - SF Admin

New

Status
Not open for further replies.
#1
Hello, I'm new here and I feel really paranoid about writing here. But I guess I give it a try.
I'm struggeling with negative thoughts since my mother died when I was I child but somehow managed to continue with trying not to think about it. Although I always had some moments of happiness it always felt that I'm never completely happy and that it soon will be gone anyway and the bad things will take over again.
In the last few months many bad things happened. My brother has mental problems too, but isn't aware of it completly. I always tried to support him but a few month ago his conditions got worse and it became too hard for me. So I visited a therapist but she told me that she couldn't help me and that I just need to distance myself from my family and start my own life and that I have to get used to the thought that I lose them some time sooner or later, which is a major anxiety I have ever since I was I child.
Because everything got worse and worse I started to talk to my boyfriend about my problems, which was a big mistake as he was really overwhelmed with everything as he has his own problems and tried to get away from it. Some thing lead to another and we broke up. I tried to stick to hope that we would get back together, because I know that it wasn't healthy at all, but he somehow gave me a reason to live. Everything seemed not so bad when I knew that he was there. It was like he was my anti-depressant.
But now with him gone it feels like I'm confronted with all the problems of my life at once. I'm scared to lose people I love, which I did and which will happen again. I feel like striving for happiness is useless as it is always taken away again and feels worse every time. I really have problems to talk about my feelings and opening up to my boyfriend showed me that I'm right and that I shouldn't bother other people with my problems. I really have no one to talk to as I have no friends and my family hates talking about feelings. I don't want to kill myself because I know that I wouldn't be able to do it and because I read a lot about people surviving and I'm afraid that that would happend to me too. But I also don't want to live anymore because I don't see the point of living and trying to get happy, when it all gets taken away again anyway.
Sorry for the long introduction and I hope that's okay, as it is my first post ever.
 

MisterBGone

SF Supporter
#2
Hello, I'm new here and I feel really paranoid about writing here. But I guess I give it a try.
I'm struggeling with negative thoughts since my mother died when I was I child but somehow managed to continue with trying not to think about it. Although I always had some moments of happiness it always felt that I'm never completely happy and that it soon will be gone anyway and the bad things will take over again.
In the last few months many bad things happened. My brother has mental problems too, but isn't aware of it completly. I always tried to support him but a few month ago his conditions got worse and it became too hard for me. So I visited a therapist but she told me that she couldn't help me and that I just need to distance myself from my family and start my own life and that I have to get used to the thought that I lose them some time sooner or later, which is a major anxiety I have ever since I was I child.
Because everything got worse and worse I started to talk to my boyfriend about my problems, which was a big mistake as he was really overwhelmed with everything as he has his own problems and tried to get away from it. Some thing lead to another and we broke up. I tried to stick to hope that we would get back together, because I know that it wasn't healthy at all, but he somehow gave me a reason to live. Everything seemed not so bad when I knew that he was there. It was like he was my anti-depressant.
But now with him gone it feels like I'm confronted with all the problems of my life at once. I'm scared to lose people I love, which I did and which will happen again. I feel like striving for happiness is useless as it is always taken away again and feels worse every time. I really have problems to talk about my feelings and opening up to my boyfriend showed me that I'm right and that I shouldn't bother other people with my problems. I really have no one to talk to as I have no friends and my family hates talking about feelings. I don't want to kill myself because I know that I wouldn't be able to do it and because I read a lot about people surviving and I'm afraid that that would happend to me too. But I also don't want to live anymore because I don't see the point of living and trying to get happy, when it all gets taken away again anyway.
Sorry for the long introduction and I hope that's okay, as it is my first post ever.
Hello, @KitKat182 - I'm sorry that you feel so worried about writing here. Let me be the first to offically welcome you, and let you know that you are in "good hands," as there are many caring members and souls here, who can relate to many of the struggles you are speaking about going through now. It sounds like a terrible tragedy you've gone through--losing your Mom at such a young age. I'm sure that, try as you might to forget it, or not let it affect you... even if you do manage to not think about it, it can still wind up working it's way into your life somehow - maybe even unbeknownst to you, and then interferring with things, even if only on an emotional level (so to speak). Have you gotten, or had any other kind of therapy in the past, or more recently as you've entered into Adulthood - to help process with this grief? Beyond the therapist who told you to drop your Family, or get as far away from them as you can? I don't know if that was the best or wise advice or not, or if she was more specifically referring to your Brother, whom you are so desparate to naturally want to try & help. Though it is of course extraordinarily hard, when they don't want or in this case even acknowledge that they need it. I would think if it is in the cards for you, that a second opinion with a different therapist may be in order. Just to see what another set of ears thinks, quite frankly (the first may have very well been wrong). Also, if you have not already done so, seeing a physician in order to potentially be prescribed some medications for your mental health may be in order. As they might be able to help you feel a little bit better. And then be able to battle and face some of these struggles a little easier. When now, they seem so daunting, and as you say "insurmountable." Which, I can assure you - & the more you take a look around the forum, and read some of our stories, the less alone & alienated you'll begin to likely feel. As you may be able to identify somewhat, with some of us. We speak your language, or all kind of do, in a way. The language of mental illness. Even saying that, or it, outside these walls or doors, can be rather stigmatizing & traumatizing in nature to some, for the backlash in which they receive. As others have very formed opinions that place us all under the same box, or umbrella~ (often, that of being labelled as "crazy," / "nuts," etc.) - but in here, take it from me. You are safe! So please feel free to express yourself as you'd wish and feel comfortable going forward. And take things at your own pace. Take care & I'll see you later- :)
 
#3
Hello, @KitKat182 - I'm sorry that you feel so worried about writing here. Let me be the first to offically welcome you, and let you know that you are in "good hands," as there are many caring members and souls here, who can relate to many of the struggles you are speaking about going through now. It sounds like a terrible tragedy you've gone through--losing your Mom at such a young age. I'm sure that, try as you might to forget it, or not let it affect you... even if you do manage to not think about it, it can still wind up working it's way into your life somehow - maybe even unbeknownst to you, and then interferring with things, even if only on an emotional level (so to speak). Have you gotten, or had any other kind of therapy in the past, or more recently as you've entered into Adulthood - to help process with this grief? Beyond the therapist who told you to drop your Family, or get as far away from them as you can? I don't know if that was the best or wise advice or not, or if she was more specifically referring to your Brother, whom you are so desparate to naturally want to try & help. Though it is of course extraordinarily hard, when they don't want or in this case even acknowledge that they need it. I would think if it is in the cards for you, that a second opinion with a different therapist may be in order. Just to see what another set of ears thinks, quite frankly (the first may have very well been wrong). Also, if you have not already done so, seeing a physician in order to potentially be prescribed some medications for your mental health may be in order. As they might be able to help you feel a little bit better. And then be able to battle and face some of these struggles a little easier. When now, they seem so daunting, and as you say "insurmountable." Which, I can assure you - & the more you take a look around the forum, and read some of our stories, the less alone & alienated you'll begin to likely feel. As you may be able to identify somewhat, with some of us. We speak your language, or all kind of do, in a way. The language of mental illness. Even saying that, or it, outside these walls or doors, can be rather stigmatizing & traumatizing in nature to some, for the backlash in which they receive. As others have very formed opinions that place us all under the same box, or umbrella~ (often, that of being labelled as "crazy," / "nuts," etc.) - but in here, take it from me. You are safe! So please feel free to express yourself as you'd wish and feel comfortable going forward. And take things at your own pace. Take care & I'll see you later- :)

Thank you for the kind words and for welcoming me into the community!
I never had therapy as it is really expensive where I live and right now I can't afford to have that. Also I'm really skeptical if I find someone who really understands me and that I might need several tries to find a therapist that I feel comfortable to open up and that in the end they can't help me at all. It feels like I'm just stuck at life and somehow I feel like I deserve it and shouldn't even try to do anything about it.
 
#4
Hello and welcome to SF KitKat!

Sorry that you're going through so much.
Sorry for the long introduction and I hope that's okay
Yes, it's ok to make posts as long as you want, whether it's your 1st post or any post. All of the things that you posted sound like things that you wanted and needed to express, so I think it's good that you did that.
I really have problems to talk about my feelings and opening up to my boyfriend showed me that I'm right and that I shouldn't bother other people with my problems.
SF is a place where you can talk about what you're feeling, even the darkest and most difficult things. It's not that you shouldn't talk about your problems, but rather there are just some people who unwilling or unable to give support. I'm sorry that your boyfriend didn't react better than he did.
I never had therapy as it is really expensive where I live and right now I can't afford to have that
If you are in the US or Canada, calling 211 might help you find affordable therapy.

I could also try to recommend some books that might help.

Sending hugs.
 

MisterBGone

SF Supporter
#7
Thank you for the kind words and for welcoming me into the community!
I never had therapy as it is really expensive where I live and right now I can't afford to have that. Also I'm really skeptical if I find someone who really understands me and that I might need several tries to find a therapist that I feel comfortable to open up and that in the end they can't help me at all. It feels like I'm just stuck at life and somehow I feel like I deserve it and shouldn't even try to do anything about it.
I'm sorry that therapy is so hard to come by, where you live, in terms of being affordable. That really is a shame! While it is quite natural, human-even, to think or "jump ahead," & try to imagine what it might be like, especially with respect to the potential 'obstacles,' that may be present in a counseling setting, or session. I'd encourage you not to do that... Often it is just our depression, or our anxiety -whatever else it may be that is doing the negative talk & thinking; which is, or may be inhibiting our otherwise fruitful enterprise - which may produce outstanding results, or at the very least, be something that we are more prosperous for, for having been involved in that mind to mind dynamic, with a professional (who does this for a, "Living") sort of a thing.. if you will- : ) And even if you have to go through three (not totally unheard of, in terms of, or when it comes to 'scenarios') would it be worth it, if it meant getting rid of how you're feeling now? Hope to see you again soon! :)
 
#9
Hello and welcome to SF KitKat!

Sorry that you're going through so much.

Yes, it's ok to make posts as long as you want, whether it's your 1st post or any post. All of the things that you posted sound like things that you wanted and needed to express, so I think it's good that you did that.

SF is a place where you can talk about what you're feeling, even the darkest and most difficult things. It's not that you shouldn't talk about your problems, but rather there are just some people who unwilling or unable to give support. I'm sorry that your boyfriend didn't react better than he did.

If you are in the US or Canada, calling 211 might help you find affordable therapy.

I could also try to recommend some books that might help.

Sending hugs.
Thank you for your reply. I'm really overwhelmed with the support that I get in this community.
I would really appreciate book recommendations.
 
#10
Welcome @KitKat182!
i am sorry for you losses. I am glad you are here at SF and found the courage to share. There are lots of knowledgable, caring people here. I look forward to getting to know you.
Thank you! I somehow feel guilty to get so much support when I can't offer you something in return. And i really hope to give the caring people here something back once I am able to do that.
 
#11
I'm sorry that therapy is so hard to come by, where you live, in terms of being affordable. That really is a shame! While it is quite natural, human-even, to think or "jump ahead," & try to imagine what it might be like, especially with respect to the potential 'obstacles,' that may be present in a counseling setting, or session. I'd encourage you not to do that... Often it is just our depression, or our anxiety -whatever else it may be that is doing the negative talk & thinking; which is, or may be inhibiting our otherwise fruitful enterprise - which may produce outstanding results, or at the very least, be something that we are more prosperous for, for having been involved in that mind to mind dynamic, with a professional (who does this for a, "Living") sort of a thing.. if you will- : ) And even if you have to go through three (not totally unheard of, in terms of, or when it comes to 'scenarios') would it be worth it, if it meant getting rid of how you're feeling now? Hope to see you again soon! :)
I really thought about your words. And it may be my anxiety talking, when I say that therapy might make things even worse. But it just feels like that everything I try to do against my feelings is always the wrong way.
 

MisterBGone

SF Supporter
#12
I really thought about your words. And it may be my anxiety talking, when I say that therapy might make things even worse. But it just feels like that everything I try to do against my feelings is always the wrong way.
No problem. :) There's no rush! So, just "relax & breathe..." Take it one step at a time. It's a journey, for sure~ You'll get there soon enough, one day! Just don't give up hope. : )
 
#13
Thank you! I somehow feel guilty to get so much support when I can't offer you something in return. And i really hope to give the caring people here something back once I am able to do that.
just being you is enough. 💜
we have been there. It often helps me to encourage others. so—its a pretty fair exchange! 😀🥰

hows it going?
 
#14
just being you is enough. 💜
we have been there. It often helps me to encourage others. so—its a pretty fair exchange! 😀🥰

hows it going?
It's been a pretty hard day, as I saw my (ex) boyfriend for our final goodbye. But I realized today that I would hurt other people if I would end my life and I feel like I've already hurt enough people, so I can't do that.
How's it going for you?
 
#15
It's been a pretty hard day, as I saw my (ex) boyfriend for our final goodbye.
That's awful. Really at any time it would be bad, but you think he could of held on past Valentine's day, right?
so I can't do that
I'm glad you've got the resolve to try to stay alive *hug
Thank you for your reply
You're welcome! :)

Here are couple CBT books for depression that members have recomended:
The Feeling Good Handbook by Dr. David Burns
Mind Over Mood by [I'm not sure]

A member recommended a number of books on grieving, but she only stuck around for 3 days. I'd be more confident about the recommendations of a member that had been here a while, but they still might be good books.

https://www.suicideforum.com/commun...grieving-especially-grieving-suicides.123599/

The Grief and Bereavement forum might be good to check out too

https://www.suicideforum.com/community/forums/grief-and-bereavement.5/

I hope something can help.
 
#16
It's been a pretty hard day, as I saw my (ex) boyfriend for our final goodbye. But I realized today that I would hurt other people if I would end my life and I feel like I've already hurt enough people, so I can't do that.
How's it going for you?
you’ve had another rough day. But, again, you made it. So congrats on that. I am glad you are recognizing reasons to live. You are in a safe place to vent, talk, even laugh. Glad you are here.

turns out i forgot to post this message the other day. so, i will say i 🤔am forgetful!
 

Walker

Admin
SF Social Media
SF Author
SF Supporter
#17
Hello and a belated welcome to the forum. I'm sorry to hear of the trouble with your soon-to-be-ex and everything else that's going on. I hope you find support here at SF. There are always people to speak with here.
 

Waves

Well-Known Member
#18
Hi and welcome, I agree with MisterBeGone. You still have family and that is good. Takes time to grieve loss of ex. Taken me as long as 5 years once. You have opportunities that await you. Oh and yes your therapist sounds unprofessional. A new one might help.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.

Please Donate to Help Keep SF Running

Total amount
$55.00
Goal
$255.00
Top