Hello, I'm new here and I feel really paranoid about writing here. But I guess I give it a try.
I'm struggeling with negative thoughts since my mother died when I was I child but somehow managed to continue with trying not to think about it. Although I always had some moments of happiness it always felt that I'm never completely happy and that it soon will be gone anyway and the bad things will take over again.
In the last few months many bad things happened. My brother has mental problems too, but isn't aware of it completly. I always tried to support him but a few month ago his conditions got worse and it became too hard for me. So I visited a therapist but she told me that she couldn't help me and that I just need to distance myself from my family and start my own life and that I have to get used to the thought that I lose them some time sooner or later, which is a major anxiety I have ever since I was I child.
Because everything got worse and worse I started to talk to my boyfriend about my problems, which was a big mistake as he was really overwhelmed with everything as he has his own problems and tried to get away from it. Some thing lead to another and we broke up. I tried to stick to hope that we would get back together, because I know that it wasn't healthy at all, but he somehow gave me a reason to live. Everything seemed not so bad when I knew that he was there. It was like he was my anti-depressant.
But now with him gone it feels like I'm confronted with all the problems of my life at once. I'm scared to lose people I love, which I did and which will happen again. I feel like striving for happiness is useless as it is always taken away again and feels worse every time. I really have problems to talk about my feelings and opening up to my boyfriend showed me that I'm right and that I shouldn't bother other people with my problems. I really have no one to talk to as I have no friends and my family hates talking about feelings. I don't want to kill myself because I know that I wouldn't be able to do it and because I read a lot about people surviving and I'm afraid that that would happend to me too. But I also don't want to live anymore because I don't see the point of living and trying to get happy, when it all gets taken away again anyway.
Sorry for the long introduction and I hope that's okay, as it is my first post ever.
I'm struggeling with negative thoughts since my mother died when I was I child but somehow managed to continue with trying not to think about it. Although I always had some moments of happiness it always felt that I'm never completely happy and that it soon will be gone anyway and the bad things will take over again.
In the last few months many bad things happened. My brother has mental problems too, but isn't aware of it completly. I always tried to support him but a few month ago his conditions got worse and it became too hard for me. So I visited a therapist but she told me that she couldn't help me and that I just need to distance myself from my family and start my own life and that I have to get used to the thought that I lose them some time sooner or later, which is a major anxiety I have ever since I was I child.
Because everything got worse and worse I started to talk to my boyfriend about my problems, which was a big mistake as he was really overwhelmed with everything as he has his own problems and tried to get away from it. Some thing lead to another and we broke up. I tried to stick to hope that we would get back together, because I know that it wasn't healthy at all, but he somehow gave me a reason to live. Everything seemed not so bad when I knew that he was there. It was like he was my anti-depressant.
But now with him gone it feels like I'm confronted with all the problems of my life at once. I'm scared to lose people I love, which I did and which will happen again. I feel like striving for happiness is useless as it is always taken away again and feels worse every time. I really have problems to talk about my feelings and opening up to my boyfriend showed me that I'm right and that I shouldn't bother other people with my problems. I really have no one to talk to as I have no friends and my family hates talking about feelings. I don't want to kill myself because I know that I wouldn't be able to do it and because I read a lot about people surviving and I'm afraid that that would happend to me too. But I also don't want to live anymore because I don't see the point of living and trying to get happy, when it all gets taken away again anyway.
Sorry for the long introduction and I hope that's okay, as it is my first post ever.