Hi all. I really have no idea where to start, or what to say. I am 26, married for five years, have a daughter who is six months old. I have dealt with depression and anxiety since my preteen years. I was hospitalized for depression when I was 15. My dad was abusive to my mom and myself growing up ... both physically and emotionally. My husband was also physically abusive to me earlier in our relationship. He sought counseling and today is a completely changed man. Growing up with abuse, however, made abuse during arguments seem normal to me though. Now that abuse from others is removed from my life, I find myself being abusive to myself during hard times. Its hard for me to explain ... when my dad was abusive toward me, I felt like he at least cared enough to do SOMETHING. When he wasn't, I felt he had given up completely. Now, when my husband wants some time alone during an argument or something I feel like he doesn't care anything about me. Doesn't care enough to hurt me. So I do it for him. I know that is insane and makes no sense ... Anyway, to the point. Over the past few weeks, I have thought more and more about killing myself. I hate my job, but cannot quit or change positions for various reasons. I work 45 hours a week and its so hard when I get home to give attention to my husband, my daughter, the house, etc. I feel like I am failing at every part of my life. I want my daughter to have a good role model and a perfect mother. I don't feel that I can be either of those things. I feel like she would be better if I were gone, and it would be best if I died before she was old enough to realize what a mess I am and before she could miss me. I love her more than anything and am terrified she will end up like me. I have tried to seek counseling but every psychiatrist, psychologist, and counselor in town has no available appointment times for at least a month. I keep getting turned away. My work schedule is too prohibitive for me to travel out of town to seek help. I don't know where to turn. I am so lost and I cannot bear to hurt like this any longer.