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Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by WeepingWillow, Sep 8, 2006.

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  1. WeepingWillow

    WeepingWillow Well-Known Member

    Ive been reading on here for a couple of weeks and I am glad to get to know you all. I was never sure what to post before but reading has sure made me feel less alone. I self harm and with me it goes along with depression and anger. There is only one person in my real life I have talked to about anything. But I don't think it's fair to him. Posting on here is much more of a choice to other people on whether they want to read my crap or not. I don't enjoy hearing about the things you all go through but I feel better because lots of times I feel I'm the only one thinking/doing/feeling certain things. I self harmed when I was younger and i didn't know there was a topic for it or that it was even a problem. I stopped and have recently gone back to it. It sucks but I feel better when I do it. I am glad to meet you all. I am always open for discussion.
     
  2. consciousinsane

    consciousinsane Well-Known Member

    Welcome willow. I too am a new member and have started posting just this week. I have been cutting on and off for 9 years or so. You made the statement that it feels good after you do it. I am the same way, but my good feeling don't last but a few minutes, then I want to cut again. It's so agrevating. I wish we could just stop.
     
  3. wienerman

    wienerman Guest

    welcome both of you, i hope you find some help in the site :hug:
     
  4. WeepingWillow

    WeepingWillow Well-Known Member

    Thank you. Well, I cut and bruise myself, just on my arms. sometimes, it takes awhile to heal and before doing it again, i end up just pressing on them and it makes it hurt..almost as bad as the original pain, and that relieves it....even tho the physical feeling is 'pain' my mind somehow interprets it as 'good'
    and no it doesnt last long but long enough. i used a rubber band on my wrist and snap it a lot and that helps too. Again-'pain' interprets to 'good'
    Im glad to have found you all on here.
    Today isnt as bad a day as it has been for awhile now, i think today is the lightest day ive had in weeks. I think that's why I finally posted. Also, a guy at work today said he has noticed a big change in me. I dont even see him that often. my other coworkers havent noticed a thing, which is good, but I see them everday and this guy seems to have noticed things a lot lately about me and he stated how he is concerned. Of course, i didn't tell him what's been going on. But i appreciate i have been noticed. Im generally invisible and happy that way unless I have a particular reason for trying to get something across to people. Thank you for sharing. I'll be on here a -lot-
     
  5. wienerman

    wienerman Guest

    i have a habit of putting on a front so people dont questions that i may be dying inside, and going crazy, and hence no one has seen or noticed anything :(

    it must feel good that the guy has paid a lot of attention even though you dont really talk to him, maybe you have an admirer :)
     
  6. WeepingWillow

    WeepingWillow Well-Known Member

    I was shocked at first. People I see every day dont know. I do hide. Which iis another reason why it surprised me this person noticed at all, let alone that we don't see each other that much. We have fun talking, but admiration is a stretch! I do have an admirer tho....he's been really great but I think Ive put enough on him with all of this and he doesnt even know it all. Another reason i posted on here... we all share the same and for someone who isn't like me, it's a burden and he always feels like he should do something. He does help a lot but he thinks it's not enough. I'm really sad about that.
    Ive put on a front for the past couple of months but the past few weeks Ive lost it. I just dont try anymore. I dont even feel like my feelings are justified. Some of this I brought on myself so why do I have the right to be down about it? I generally dont like walls but lately Ive built the biggest one.
     
  7. wienerman

    wienerman Guest

    maybe its the fact that you have such little contect with him that he is able to notice the change. as you main friends see you every day gradual changes over time become unnoticable, until they see the large overall change. whereas with such little contact he only sees big changes and hence can pick up on them more.
     
  8. WeepingWillow

    WeepingWillow Well-Known Member

    That's a good point. As I've seen myself, I made a huge drop really quickly but also was hiding it. I know I used to be better but I dont care to try to get back there anymore. One person saw my arm, I lied and it worked. Sometimes I dont feel like doing it, sometimes it's all I think about. I would do anything to keep someone else from doing something to themselves, but for me, it feels right. I guess I sound like a hypocrite. You ever feel like you're tired of being some way, but it also feels like that's how ur supposed to be? Does that make sense? I saw a counselor once a while back but I didnt like her so I gave up for the time being. I dont know about seeing someone again, one person doesnt count for everyone but still.
     
  9. wienerman

    wienerman Guest

    some people take a few different counselors before they feel comfortable to talk about and deal with their problems, i guess i was lucky and didnt have another choice.

    yes you do make sence, and you cant help how you feel about the harm, it feels good to you but also deep down you know it isnt good for you, hence you want to keep others from falling into the trap and habit you have. so in that sence you are not a hypocrite.
     
  10. WeepingWillow

    WeepingWillow Well-Known Member

    wow thank you
    The counselor idea keeps roaming around in my head. Much like the idea of suicide. I'm not going to do it right now but the idea won't leave.
    I don't want to go on any medications. I was on something once for a year or two and it was a crutch...it helped me deal with things while I also worked on myself and I got off it just fine. However, if I get thru everything I want to do it without meds. But Im not sure I can do it myself, so maybe that's where the counselor comes in. But I cant bring myself to tell them everything or be honest, so i know they cant really help me if they dont know.
    For now I am comfortable staying where I am and just simply talking. Or not talking at times.
    Ive gone all day and havent done a thing to myself. I've done SO much more talking/typing tho. I guess I've replaced it for now. I'm ~wired~ right now tho. I dont know why...maybe because I had the urge so bad but didnt do it so now Im just wired.
    Talking isnt enough I have to find a physical outlet for the wired feeling.
     
  11. wienerman

    wienerman Guest

    hey, you are telling total strangers at least some of your problems, the only difference between us and a counselor is method of communication (and a qualification). it helped me to think of my counselor only existing within that little room that i saw her in. it sounds stupid but i found it easier to open up to if i thought that she never left that room and that was my little venting room that noone could get access to. but even then it took me 4ish sessions to open up and actually get close to the real problem.
     
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