Newbie, but probably not for long

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Murphy, Dec 13, 2009.

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  1. Murphy

    Murphy New Member

    This is very long:

    Well i'm 15, yer i know, pretty young to be thinking about suicide. But to be honest I feel like i've lived about 30 years worth of absolute bullshit. So basically i'm 99.99% ready to give my family a Christmas present they'll NEVER forget.

    Where to start, well a lot of shit has happened to me as a kid (nothing sexual or you know) but thats minor COMPARED to the last year.

    So, my first thoughts of suicide. Well perhaps, october 2008. My best girl mate fell in love with my best guy mate :eek:hmy:. I was completely speechless and lost when she told me, at the time she didn't know how I felt about her (i was madly in love with her but never really revealed my feelings for fear of friction between us). Anyway, rather than commiting suicide I ended up pulling some blades outta my razor and well cut and cut and cut my arms. The next day another mate counted the cuts on my arm and well the total was 130. :blink:

    So anyway, eventually it came out that they went off eachother and later came out that in fact they were distant relatives. Thats a long story cut short.

    December 2008, my Dad turned into some strange prick out of the blue, now me and him used to be tighter than ever like best friends. Somehow i don't know what happened but he just changed and things weren't too good in my life anyway because my half-brother was down for christmas and him and my dad don't get on so the family was heavily disrupted. So I was about to take an overdose and then my ex-girlfriend called and talked me out of it. Ohh boy.

    So 2009 seemed to go well, really really well. Until I broke up with my ex, not really something to kill myself over so that just flew by like it never happened.
    But then we were on a cruise in May. My dad was like I want you to have fun, do whatever you want just stay out of trouble. So i did so, I made friends and we all went around together, and then I used to come in at about 1:30am and 2:30am, I checked before I did this that they didn't mind. Every night I came in my dad gave me some mouthful about how i was out of hand etc etc etc, i just took it and went to bed. He even slept with the lights on because apparently he felt I was going to murder him????? WTF???? So apparently I'm going to murder my dad? Right, if he says so :poo:
    I let it go, let him have his moment.
    At one point my mum stuck up for me and he went all mad and bla bla bla and was even about to jump off the balcony into the sea, talk about crazy!
    But he upset me so much for that whole holiday.

    In August there was a massive argument between me, mum and dad, i was at the heart of it. I can't remember all the events, but after that I grew rather distant from my dad, his actions, not mine. A few weeks later he came to me with a letter saying he was suffering from depression and that I was to stay away from him until further notice. BULLSHIT about depression. He was happier than a crackhead with a lifetime supply of cocaine. Anyway basically I was ready to just throw the towel in but decided to attack it head first.

    November and December: The two months that are driving me ever closer to throwing the towel in.

    My mum was picking something up that my dad had dropped and couldn't reach and hit her arm on a cupboard or something. A couple of days later a bruise appeared and despite my dad knowing what it was, he thinks I punched her.. yes, apparently i PUNCHED my mum? BULLLLSHITT
    There was some sort of argument and the next day my dad gave me ANOTHER letter saying something along the lines of I'm depressed (sounds familiar) when I come home, I will only talk to your mother.
    I just threw the letter on my desk and went to school with no worry because i'd seen this before. Anyway eventually things kinda returned to normal but he snaps at everything and always tells me to go upstairs etc. He's being a right bastard!

    Now I know it seems like my dad is the bad one here, and he's one of them, but my mum isn't exactly innocent now. All she does is swear, shout and cuss me. Today for example, I was gonna stay in bed until 12pm because I had a week of exams and just wanted to rest. But she wanted me to go to the shops, so i got up and showered etc, then went to the shops. I asked her what she wanted from there, she told me, then I asked a question about the product so i could get the right one, she kept answering with irrelevant answers, and then started swearing and cussing so i said forget it and walked out. Then just bought the closest thing.

    Later that day we fell out and had an argument because she started cussing me again, i said i didn't get up to fight with her so why is she acting like this, then some more words were exchanged and she began to talk about my girlfriend and my best friend.
    I got vex at this point and began talking about how i was going to commit suicide a week earlier and the only reason i didn't was because of my best mate.

    (Had put my method down but apparently its not allowed) It was a fool proof idea though

    Sadly I told my best mate in a science lesson because she wanted to know why i broke up with my girlfriend. so i explained i broke up with her because i wanted her to hate me so that when i commited suicide she hopefully wouldn't care. Well my best mate spent the lesson crying in my arms and vowed that if i did it, she would do it too. I said I still was going to do it. Now lets not forget I'm still in love with my best mate. that night she asked me to call her and she spent 4 hours crying down the phone begging me not to do it. eventually i agreed not to do it for her.

    Tonight I heard my parents bitching about me and my mum lying about everything that happened today and my dad saying something that i couldn't make out but i knew was going to fuck up my life somehow. Anyway I've decided that I'm moving my plans for what was supposed to happen on december 6th to Christmas Eve but i'm curious to know what'll happen if i just bare with it.

    Guys I'm confused, any advice is welcome.
    I just dunno what to do, the only reason for me not to do it is for my best mate cos i know how much it'll kill her cos me and her are practically joined at the spline.
    But i'm just fed up of this stupid fucking 'family', its a stupid circle which i don't wanna be part of anymore. I've thought long and hard and well this seems like my best option.

    Merry Christmas family, enjoy it without me :stars:
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 13, 2009
  2. TWF

    TWF Well-Known Member

    Pfhew, read it all for ya.
    Look. You need to talk to your parents, I've had crap like this happen and the best thing to do is to tell them STRAIGHT, don't show them anger, tell them how you fucking feel, about their behaviour, how your dad changed, about their issues, the lies, about fucking everything. Display your fucking emotion with words to back 'em up. And tell your friends, like, your so fucking lucky to have friends who care!

    Don't waste your life, things will change. Do you think you can do that?
  3. jxdama

    jxdama Staff Member Safety & Support

    will your family have a nice christmas without you?
  4. Datura

    Datura Well-Known Member

    Stop talking to your friends about your suicidal ideation; it is not fair to them. Get a therapist or call a suicide prevention line.
  5. Tobes

    Tobes Well-Known Member

    I know you're in pain and have had some shit happen to you, but that is no reason to be a dick and kill yourself at christmas. You are too young to know what life is about, and haven't experienced most of the good things. Don't give up before you even know of employment, wisdom and childbirth. These feelings you have are just that, feelings. You don't have to go through with anything you are thinking about, and killing yourself at christmas time is probably the worst time you can do it, even worse than on your birthday.


    Oh and welcome to the forums. Don't worry, pretty much all the members here are nice and helpful, and not as harsh as I am being right now. I could say this message in a softer way, but I think have to be direct. If you feel like you have to kill yourself, at least wait until next year, and not at a time for families to be together and celebrate what love and happiness they have.

    And remember, you will get better if you choose to live, your family will get worse if you choose to die. Don't make the wrong choice.
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 13, 2009
  6. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Wow!! That really sucks that your dad changed that much.. I never got along with my dad.. By the time I was seventeen he kicked me out of the house..
    Do you forsee you and him ever getting back to being normal?? Maybe ask him to go for a ride so the two of you can talk..You know clear the air between you..
    Your lucky to have friends who care about you so much..I would take what your female friend serious.. She probably wouldn't be able to handle your death..It sounds as if she has strong feelings for you..
    You have a long life ahead of you.. Don't throw that away.. There is alot to experience from it..Hell I have been to five different countries and about twelve different states, all when I was younger.. I can still think back to those times..They were great..Give yourself time to make memories like that.. We will be here to help support you..Take care!!
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