Newbie Introduction

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Lincoln, Dec 31, 2009.

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  1. Lincoln

    Lincoln Member

    This is my first post. Third time I've started to post here in the last 24 hours but the first time I'm going to press "submit". I'll keep this short for now. I'm not going to hurt myself today. I'm 42 years old, I'm successful and by all outward appearances have a pretty darn good life but I've always really been an outsider that plays well with insiders. I'm very appreciative for my good fortune, good luck, and everything else that is good in my life (so many things are good). Today should be a great day, I have a handful of people I consider close trusted friends coming over for NYE soon and I just don't feel like putting my "mask" today. I haven't felt like putting on my mask for a long time but somehow I've managed to do it. I'm afraid that I will just start crying with my friends here tonight (like I am right now). I have abandonment issues and I've never talked to anyone about my real feelings. I've been isolating myself as much as possible b/c I used to feel OK when I was alone. I rarely feel OK anymore no matter what the circumstances. I have no will to live, I feel empty and I don't really know how much longer I can go on. I've always hated myself but I used to pray (to G-d) to take me away (car accident, plane crash, die in my sleep, etc). I never really thought of suicide as a good option b/c of what it would do to the people I love but I just can't keep going for all those people that don't even know the real me (nobody knows the real me except me). I don't know how to make it better anymore like I've been able to until recently. Even if I can get rid of the pain and bad feelings I really don't think I will ever love myself or be truly happy and that scares the crap out of me. I'm running low on coping resources and the more I research the topic, read books, talk to my therapist the worse it seems to get (no I haven't told her about the suicidal feelings, we have been working on the codependency issues). I afraid that I will hurt myself in the near future and I do have a plan of action. For now I will continue to pray to my non-existent G-d to take me away without anyone knowing I wanted to die but if it doesn't happen soon I will have to end the pain myself. Now if I can just stop crying before my guests arrive...
     
  2. Bambi

    Bambi Well-Known Member

    Hi Lincoln, I know alot about how you feel and what you are going through,,,no I know not exactly but the feeling of putting on a mask, how tiring that is and the feeling of nobody really knowing you I can very much relate to!
    I am glad you found us and hope that you will find the same support and understanding that i have found here...this place saved my life and I can look at this past year and say I now have people that truly know me and still care about me depite my flaws and my depression.
    I know you have guests coming so don't know if you will write back but you can contact me anytime and I will get back to you...we are about the same age so can relate to you on many levels but most of all I care!
    Hope you can find some solace in peace knowing you have newfound hope here at SF.
    Happy New Year and take care, Bambi
     
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hey i did the exact same thing Christmas had to put on a mask as guest showed up. It was so very draining. I am glad you can take off your mask here and just be yourself knowing no one will judge you. Keep posting here okay get your pain out here it does help decrease the want to suicide. People care here you will see. Welcome to SF take care.:IrishDoll:
     
  4. Lincoln

    Lincoln Member

    Thank you. I made it through the party and I'm back to my comfort zone (alone in my bedroom). The girls cleaned up and barely had to lift a finger all night. I think I probably sat in the same spot on the couch the entire party...usually I'm up and about picking up after people and worrying that everything is perfect. Tonight I did not have the energy but my wonderful friend Selina must have sensed it and took care of everything for me. I wish I could talk to her about this stuff but she has own family issues to worry about and I could never burden her. She is one of my favorite people and one of the few that I trust with the secrets I am willing to reveal (mostly the problems I have with my father and she's one of 3 people that know about my therapy). I'm still a mess and I'm crying again now but I didn't while the guests were here...I'll call that a success.
     
  5. Bambi

    Bambi Well-Known Member

    Hey Lincoln we take successes where ever we can find it right? Sound like you did a great job and I think it is touching that your friend sensed something was up and stepped in to help...I know you are sad and am sorry but you have us and I am here for a few hours more for certain so feel free to keep posting knowing someone is out here listening to you..
    Happy New Year..you made it Bambi
     
  6. KittyGirl

    KittyGirl Well-Known Member

    You're from my favourite place in Texas! Yay!
    Welcome to the forum, Lincoln~
     
  7. cownes

    cownes Well-Known Member

    :welcome: to SF :)
     
  8. betteroffunknown

    betteroffunknown Well-Known Member

    welcome to the forum lincoln. we are so glad you're here. i hope you know you can share all those inner most thoughts with us. we will totally respect it all. we all hope for the best for you and would be deeply saddened if you chose to suicide. we've all been there. we can unfortunately relate to ya. so please hang on and give us a chance. i am very close to your age also if thats of any consolation as someone who can relate. anyways please feel free to pm me anytime lincoln my box is always open. please take care and hope to talk to ya soon.
     
  9. Lincoln

    Lincoln Member

    I just don't know how to survive anymore. All of the things that used to keep me going don't interest me anymore. I don't want to hurt the people that love me but I can't live in pain forever. I don't have a clue how to lessen the pain. I have no clue how to get better, move forward, do anything that helps this. I'm lost, I'm alone, I'm scared. I going to Vegas next week with a good friend for our annual trip...I don't want to go, I don't want to have to keep the mask on for 4 days without a break. I used to look forward to this annual trip for the entire year, now I dread it. We will eat at a great restaurant every night and I used to look forward to that, now I have no appetite I will have to pretend to not feel well at every meal as a excuse to my friend. I used to like to have drinks and play blackjack at the Hard Rock, now I'm afraid to drink anything b/c I think I will have a meltdown if I get drunk. I didn't drink anything last night for the same reason. I used to know how to have fun and entertain myself but nothing works anymore. I'm a fixer, all I do for other people is fix things...now I spend all my downtime trying to figure how to fix something that I don't think is fixable.

    How do you create self love??? Does loving oneself actually help this???
     
  10. innocencexisxlove

    innocencexisxlove Well-Known Member

    Welcome to the forum Lincoln :hug: As was posted earlier, glad you found us. SF has helped me for the past two years, and I hope you find it just as helpful. If you ever need someone to talk to, I'm here to help. You can PM me anytime, my inbox is always open.

    :hug:
    -Rachel
    PS-Sounds like you have a pretty good life going, despite your self issues.. Those can be fixed. So stick around and make it happen :hug:
     
  11. Lincoln

    Lincoln Member

    Hi Rachel,

    Please tell me how this can be fixed??? I'm trying to hang on but I'm very close to the edge now. Closer then I've ever been. I don't plan to shoot myself but for the first time ever I was able to hold a gun to my head 2 days ago. I was steady and I could have easily pulled the trigger. I'm trying really hard not to start working my way down my suicide "to do" list. Later this month I'm going to a 4 day workshop/retreat that my therapist is doing as an intensive treatment and I'm doing my best to keep going until then. I fear that I will come back from that worse then I am now. I need to eat something but have no desire. My stomach hurts from being empty but when I get something to eat I take a few bites and I can't force myself to eat anymore. I've never had appetite issues before recently but I've lost almost 30 pounds since August. I'm a little guy and I can't afford to lose much more without it becoming a serious health issue.

    I know I need to tell a more complete story about myself and how I got here but I just can't seem to get the words on the page right now.
     
  12. Bambi

    Bambi Well-Known Member

    Hi Lincoln...don't worry just post what you can we are here and listening to you.
    What you are describing is classic depression and think it is great that you are going to a therapy intensive as sounds like a great chance to get tools to deal with lifes bs. If you are having a particular bad time, which it sounds like you are, has there been any talk about meds? Something to hlep you tackle all this...I think it is noble of you to be facing your feelings and doing something about them rather then just brushing them under the carpet...it will be hard but you have us now, tools for the future and hope.
    Let us know how it is going ..if you need to talk i am here!

    Bambi
     
  13. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    :hug: Welcome to the forum.

    You don't have to wear that mask here. We'll accept you for who you are. What's got you feeling so down?

    My PM box is always open if you want to talk.
     
  14. Lincoln

    Lincoln Member

    Bambi, No my therapist is not an MD and I am not willing to see an MD about this and be medicated. If I go to an MD about this then it basically becomes public and the facade will be gone...if I have to go that extreme then I have to know that it will work b/c I will be changing everything I've built around me. I've always been afraid of meds b/c I seem to experience the bad side effects of everything that I've taken for any condition. I don't trust doctors (my current doc is my age and a friend of mine and I still don't trust him), I'm afraid of medical procedures/needles. I would have to admit to everyone that I'm broken, I would not be able to renew my handgun license, my family and friends would start treating me as if I'm fragile/broken...I'm not really ready to go there, in fact, I'd rather die and have them find out after I'm gone. Medication is just not an option I'm willing to explore. For many years I smoked weed to self-medicate, it doesn't work anymore and I don't have any now (it would be nice for the appetite). I really wish I could have kept my feelings "under the carpet" but things happened in 2009 that made everything bubble up and spin out of control.

    I guess I'll start to tell my story here: I grew up in house where it was not OK to act like a child when my father was home. It was not OK to be sick, sneeze and cough out loud when my father was home. It was not OK to speak or make noise when my father was watching TV. He was my idol and all I wanted was his attention but I could only get negative attention. My father is an excellent provider and shitty parent. He parented with his wallet and tried to buy me things in lieu of trying to do things with me. I really never developed any interest in sports b/c he wouldn't help me understand them. When I would try a sport in school he would not come to see me. I know he liked football, basketball, boxing, tennis, etc but he would not teach or play any of them with me...he wouldn't even teach me enough so I could understand the games on TV. I was always afraid of him. I could never know what his reaction to anything I might ask him might be. I wanted a pocket knife when I was kid b/c all friends had them...you would have thought I killed the dog by his reaction to my asking for one. He did run over my dog and kill him by accident but he never told me he was sorry. He hates what he does for a living and would not teach me anything about his career. I still don't know what he does when he's working. He doesn't listen, is unapproachable, etc. I could on and on with these examples for many pages...I know this b/c I had to write a letter to him as part of my therapy. I typed the letter, it's incomplete but already over 5 pages long. My sister is 5 years older and they did things together and that's really all I wanted.

    As bad as he is I always felt the need to please him. I thought that would stop after college when I didn't need his financial support anymore but it didn't. I still have been living my life to please him. I felt like it was OK b/c he did take care of us even after he left my mom. I did feel that he was generally a good person and that we shared the same morals/values. Then Fathers Day 2009 rolled around and he said something at the table that really yanked the rug out from under me. All of the sudden I realized that our value systems are vastly different, he is not as "good" as I had built him up to be, I could no longer live my life to please him. I am repulsed by his presence now. I avoid him as much as possible without telling him anything or confronting him about it. I hope that he can go to his grave and never know what a shitty person I think he is. I think, after six months, he's finally figured out something is wrong b/c he's been calling me a lot the last week asking me BS questions and for me to come visit him. If I didn't love my step-mother and care about her feelings I would never go see him. She protected us from him when he was totally out of line...that doesn't mean he wasn't hurtful it just means that she would drag him back in line once he would start to get sideways with us for a stupid reason.

    Since that day in June I've felt alone, like my life has not been my own. I question all the decision I've made. I felt like I died inside. Then in late July I was contacted by an old girlfriend that happens to the grand daughter of the one my dad's closest friends, old boss and reason we moved to Fort Worth when I was 3. She's much younger then I am but we've always had a connection/chemistry. She's been chasing me (on and off) since the day she turned 18, 8 years ago. 2 years ago I finally let her in a little bit, we dated for a month (secretly) and then she abandoned me. I put her out of mind until she contacted me in July. She was finally an adult, living in the real world and she wanted to try again...I should have run the other way but I do love her and she the only person I've ever imagined as the mother of my children. I always thought I didn't want children but with the right person I guess I do. She's emotionally unavailable and I knew that going into the current relationship. I knew she would abandon me again but I had to make one last attempt at it with the adult version of "her". In September things were still good between us and we were at her grandparents house (the central gathering place for her huge family) and, of course, my father was there too. After my father left her grandfather approached me and told me he noticed how cold I was toward my father. I told him I was very angry at him but stopped short of saying much more. Because he noticed I felt like to was time for me to try to get over it and get back to "normal". I tried to think of the good things between me and my father but the bad stuff kept coming up. I change the past, so I decided to think try to think if something we could do together that would be rewarding. I came up empty. We have nothing in common. This is when I decided to seek therapy...2 weeks later she abandoned me again. Now she contacting me again, she wants to be friends, she has a birthday gift for me. It's easier for me right now NOT to see her and I think she knows that. I told her I would visit with her for a while as she requested but I did not want to accept the gift. I have a problem accepting gifts from people since I feel like I don't deserve them and it makes me feel guilty. She is insisting that I accept it, so I have agreed. We are supposed to get together sometime this weekend but I doubt we will. So now I just have to stew about our meeting until it actually happens. I will get over her but I'm left with the feeling that she was my last chance at having a family of my own. She will be a great mother and her support system is awesome, her family is awesome.

    So I've spent the last 6 months feeling more empty and alone then I ever did in my life. The last 12 months at work has been very draining at work but I did get a big raise this year even with the messed up economy. I work as a consultant to a sporting goods company for the last 11 years and their business has been up slightly in the down economy. I've been so depressed (even during the time I was dating) that I've been getting sick a lot and that makes me more depressed. I don't sleep enough when I'm not sick and I sleep way too much when I am. I never want to get out bed even when I'm not tired.

    My prayers for death turned to suicidal thoughts in June and just continue to get worse. I'm very left-brained and that makes the touchy-feeling stuff in therapy difficult to believe in. I honestly don't believe that I can change, I'm trying...I really am but I am results driven and the only results I've seen so far have been worse. My therapist keeps telling me to trust the process, I am trying and she tells me I'm making progress but I don't feel it. I've done some behavioral kiniseology (I don't know how to spell that) and one round of hypnosis...the BK helped a little to get me past the negative feelings that were a result of my failed relationship and hypnosis actually made me feel worse b/c it revealed to me that I've felt confined my entire life...mostly by my father but there are some other things that make me feel this way too. It also revealed to me why I don't like doctors or medical procedures.

    That's all I can do right now. This took me hours to type. I had to stop numerous times b/c I couldn't see thru the tears. My eyes are puffy and red, everything is blurry. I have the worst headache ever. I haven't eaten anything in 24hours and I'm not hungry. My cat knows something is wrong and keeps coming over to "love on me". I haven't left the house since 5PM yesterday. I'm still wearing what I slept in last night. But the mask has been off all day :) and I don't have to put it back on until tomorrow when I meet friends for lunch...
     
  15. Bambi

    Bambi Well-Known Member

    Well you have certainly weighed your options, it is nice to see you have thought it out and decided your priorities.
     
  16. Lincoln

    Lincoln Member

    When one spends a lot of time alone, it gives one ample time to think. I think too much...this is great at work because I can quickly come up with multiple viable solutions to just about any problem that pops in my area. It sucks for life b/c its like a broken record in my mind. My broken record keeps playing "you won't ever be happy"

    I have have thought of questions:
    Do people like me need inpatient treatment??? What is that like??? What do they do besides medicate you???

    What would happen if I get really close, like I did 2 days ago, and called a Crisis Hotline???
     
  17. nagisa

    nagisa Chat & Forum Buddy Staff Alumni

    Welcome to SF, lincoln :arms: I also live in ft worth :eek:hmy:
     
  18. Lincoln

    Lincoln Member

    Cool, good to meet you. What part of town do you live in? I live off 7th, west of the UNTHSC campus.
     
  19. nagisa

    nagisa Chat & Forum Buddy Staff Alumni

    Ummm, not so comfortable with giving the exact area XDDDD but I know what you're talking about.
     
  20. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Hi Lincoln, welcome to the forum. :)
     
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