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newbie not expecting much - you've heard it all before.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by emzkimo, Jul 7, 2013.

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  1. emzkimo

    emzkimo Active Member

    It's been about 8 months of constant thoughts of suicide, I'm too much of a loser to be able to do it but too much of a loser to be happy. The thing that worries me is that each day I've began to think I'm more able to do it. For example - I've been searching for the best way to do it, which is how I found this site. I HATE talking about it because I feel like I'm seeking attention, so I've kept the thoughts mostly to myself. I feel so helpless, I don't know what to do. I feel like there's nothing, I feel numb. All of my morals have gone out the window, I'm sleeping around and drinking most days, if I'm not at work or doing the first 2 I'll be watching horror films or sleeping as much as I possibly can. I'm on anti-depressants, 30mg of citalopram. I'm so ashamed of how I feel, I don't feel worthy because I feel like this. Everything is vicious circle and I just don't care anymore, about anything. Death is the easy way out, and that's what I want, an easy way out. I scare myself on a daily basis, I feel like I'm not even me, like someone else has taken over. I don't know what this is going to achieve, fuck all probably, but I guess if people see I'm trying to do something about it they won't be so angry if I find the guts to do it.
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Hi Em...for years I slept around...I felt so ashamed of my life and needed to put that shame someplace...I also felt like I just hated myself so much, it did not matter...that is when I said, either I start therapy and make a go at that or ___? I know that you are not seeking attention, if fact, most of us are hiding how we feel...please post and tell us what is going on...you will be surprised how many of us have similar experiences...hope you stay and find comfort here
  3. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    Hi Em. I too have done lots of things i am not proud of. Partly because I never learned to respect myself. But that wasnt my fault. I, like sadeyes would like to hear more about thats going on. If you want to talk about it. But shes right that most of us hiding how we feel. I hide much because of shame. I would guess the vast majority of us feels lots of shame. Really glad you are here. Its a good community.
  4. John B

    John B Active Member

    You’re like a glass figurine that got one severe blow and shattered. Death is never the answer and it shouldn’t even be an option. Comparing my situation to yours, my life came to an abrupt halt back in 2009, December 2012 on the 23rd I was left high and dry, scrambling for a solution and I saw this massive shit storm coming back in October 2005. My situation is significantly different from yours, I just realised that the bombing dates were close. What happened to you happens to a lot of people. That in no way means that your situation is irrelevant. You know enough to be completely aware of what’s going on in your life. When it comes to taking the next step, your vision becomes blurred and you end up lost in the void. Talking only helps to a certain degree; your focus should be on resolving your emotional loss without leaving yourself open to being hurt again. Let me know if this helps in any way.
    -I do not know enough to have a valid opinion.
  5. Hello fellow newbie.

    First - sorry to hear you too are in what I call my "darkness". That all encompassing fog that prevents you from seeing anything good in life. I am kinda there too, just not as bad as you are right now.

    I am not your "rah rah cheerleader" type person (at least not on this topic). I find those people to be nice and well intentioned - but make me want to vomit too. I am more "real". Like when you said - if you find the guts..... Well, we both know it takes more guts to NOT do it. That is the hard way, to push through the pain, the dead feeling inside you and still get out of bed the next day. THAT is guts.

    I know most "normals" (as I call them) may not understand us. But I do. I had suicidal thoughts going back to age 5 or 6. I didnt even know what they were until I was old (I am now 47). I tempted fate a few times. But my first legit attempt was not until I was in my 40s. I did my research, I "knew" what would work and I MORE than followed the math...... Yet - here I am. Still feeling pissed off at life and a bit confused on why others succeed where I failed.

    I am guessing part of you feels like that too. Like you did or want to throw the towel in. But for whatever reason - here you are. Maybe that is your purpose. Maybe God wants you here to help someone else. To save them or to touch them.... or to alllow them to hang on just enough that THEY in turn touch another soul. I do not know.

    But, I hope you find the strength to fight on. And if you EVER need to talk.... by email, by phone, or even face to face - I am here. 24/7.
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