Newbie Reaching Out for Support

Discussion in 'Welcome' started by Calvin_xc1, Oct 31, 2012.

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  1. Calvin_xc1

    Calvin_xc1 Member

    Hi Everyone,

    I'm new here and have been dealing with severe depression for the past two and a half years. It started when my wife left me to live with her boyfriend on the other side of the country taking our daughter in the process. My mom, a month later, went bonkers and (long story) endangered my daughter's well being. At the time it was exceptionally hard to keep everything together as the only things that weren't blowing up in my face were work and school, both of which were rather high-stress in their own right. I made it through that time generally intact (psychic and emotional damage have't healed, but I am back on my feet).

    I've been in and out of therapy to help deal with this, but to no avail. There's very little therapists seem to be able to do for me aside from serving as an expensive sounding-board for my emotional turmoil. As it stands now, my life is still going well career/educationally. I just started grad school at a prestigious school and program, and when I finish that I'll be in line for some phenomenal job opportunities. That's something I'm thankful for, but I still carry a lot of the burden of my divorce. I have contact with my ex-wife, as I need to to see my daughter (who just turned three recently). When I see her life, and how she's benefited from abandoning me for someone else, it hurts a lot. Then it hurts even more when I beat myself up for feeling that way, because my daughter shares in that. I don't feel like I can properly address these issues. It also doesn't help that her now-fiancee has a great deal in common with me (we like the same music, games, we're both deep thinkers, etc.).

    To amplify things, My own relationship history has been a joke I've failed at every relationship I've had, but one (mutual drifting apart break-up when I was younger). I'm surrounded by people in relationships who are general very content with them, and who's gripes with them basically amount to minor quibbles about scheduling, time and money, stuff that doesn't really matter. I get envious, and depressed about it because I'm unable to find a relationship at all.

    There's more to the situation than is here, but I've hit all the big parts. During the divorce things were bad enough that I was actually researching painless suicide methods. I'm not there again, yet, but I can feel the same intense depression coming on. I wanted to try something new and reaching out here. I have a good life, aside from the divorce, it just does't feel like enough sometimes. I hold on because of a highly refined survival instinct, but that's not really living in a meaningful way. I miss my life when I was still married, when my life felt purposeful and I felt like I was doing something for someone. Now I just feel like I'm doing things for myself, and it's disheartening.

    I hope this intro isn't too lengthy, I've got so much inside me that's been emotionally churning for a long time, and I just don't know what to do.

    - Jason
  2. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    You say you don't know what to do but I think you have made a pretty good start by reaching out here- a large number of people here have experienced similar feelings - situations leading to them vary but the feelings are much the same. I do not discount the value of professional therapist at all, but if it is a sounding board you need this is a free one and available 24/7.

    Most importantly for the moment in my opinion is to not let the many difficult issues ruin the positives of the education and future job potential. The negatives are very obviously difficult to deal with but if you continue with the positives and deal with the others one at a time than in the end you will be far better served. Do not let the difficult things turn the positives into lifelong regrets of not being done and trust in yourself to sort out the old hurt and emotions along the way.

    Take Care and Be Safe

  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    HI Jason Nice to meet you Your child hun you duaghter is a reason to hold on She will get to know you and love you and will want you in her life hun Right now it is hard but when she is older she will appreciate any time you had together. You keep doing well for yourself ok I know it hurts hun the loss of a dream of a lifestyle but you will meet someone new and when you do you will recover from what your ex has done. You fight to have half custody of your child It is your right hun and you will see that a child can and will be healthy if she knows both her parents love her. You have purpose hun you have a child she is your purpose now so fight for her ok don't walk away like mine did you keep her close to your heart hugs
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