Newbie with baggage

Discussion in 'Welcome' started by Dievalkyrie, Dec 26, 2010.

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  1. Dievalkyrie

    Dievalkyrie New Member

    I don't, know... if this is where I need to be - but... I need to be somewhere and I guess this is a good a place as any to start...

    I'm dying - I've BEEN 'dying' for years now. Or at least wishing I could/WOULD already. "Waiting to die" is probably the phrase. I have MS - or - more accurately PROBABLY have MS... - I attempted doctors and specialists for as long as I could - I did. I gave up on docs after the sixth different diagnosis had me questioning myself and my sanity. I KNOW deep down, I do know, that when my problems first started they WERE physical, not psychological - I KNOW this... these days, I have no clue which is what.

    I've been years now 'waiting to die' - WISHING to die - whatever-this-is (besides depression, of course) has taken from me everything I ever valued of 'me'. Everything. I am, officially, useless. No matter how many times hubby says otherwise, or child demonstrates otherwise - I know, deep down, I have no real use.

    Unfortunately... years ago I gave my hubby my word that I would not take my own life. My father took his when I was 16, I know exactly how hard it is to be a survivor, so I gave hubby my WORD that I would stay - ooops? My own child is 17, I MUST LIVE until she's out on her own and settled - this was the deal.

    Thing is though... yesterday morning I woke up in writhing chest pain - (considering my damn-near-continuous migraines, it takes a LOT of pain to make me even notice, to make me writhe takes... scary amounts).

    Bad bit? - as soon I could think past the pain - my FIRST thought was... thank GODS, about damn time, I can stop now.

    Worse bit? - here I am, still breathing...

    Pretty sure that's a bad thing. Pretty sure that's something I'm NOT ALLOWED yet... gods I want SO MUCH.... and I can't. I can't do that to hubby, I can't do that to my child - but.... ohhhhh I WANT

    That sort of thing is supposed to be a 'wake-up' call - right? - "oh - I don't really want to die, I want to change my life so I can live?" - feh - I've been bawling continuously because it DIDN'T kill me - and now I have to find the energy from somewhere to fight against something I desperately need.

    Merble? - anybody? - anything?

  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Hi Val and welcome...I know what it is to live with a debilitating disease...I stopped walking 5 months ago and spent months in the hospital for them to find out what it is...not fun! and I also know the fear of being a burden and feeling like I should just take the bus, so to speak...but I also know how much I would hurt people, and I want so much to get back, that I am here too...please keep sharing with us what is going on...many of us here can truly understand...welcome and glad you found us...J
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    HI Valerie sorry you have been suffering so long. Glad your reaching out here just to vent to get the thoughts out the sadness out a bit keep talking okay we are listening take care of YOU okay please do something kind for you today.
  4. Fitzy

    Fitzy Well-Known Member

    Hi. I'm pleased you have reached out to sf for support. I'm worried about the chest pain and wonder if you have seen a doctor?
  5. Dievalkyrie

    Dievalkyrie New Member

    Thank you everyone, I truly appreciate the welcome - I just... needed someplace to SAY this without sending everyone I know into a tizzy.

    I'm glad I found you.
  6. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I am glad you found us too and know you can release your thoughts here anytime okay It does help and others can relate as well and help okay Nice you are here
  7. Perfect Melancholy

    Perfect Melancholy SF Friend

    :hiya: welcome to the forum, I hope you find what you are looking for here,

    Take Care

  8. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hey Val,
    I know what you mean about the migraines.. I have had them for years.. I also have chest pains that radiate into my left arm.. The doctors say nothing is wrong so I won't go back there anymore.. When the big one hits I will just lie in bed and let it happen..In the mean time I will keep trying to help others here on the forum.. I wish you luck!!
  9. Dievalkyrie

    Dievalkyrie New Member

    I appreciate the luck!

    Aren't doctors fun? - I gave up on the idjits YEARS ago - they're good for obvious infections and visible wounds... other than that? - heh - useless buggers all.

  10. happyville

    happyville Well-Known Member

    I'm so sorry a doctor can't diagnose you properly, it would make it a lot easier to deal with. :\

    I'm glad you're holding on, though! Maybe by the time your daughter moves out and is settled, you'll be feeling better. There's nothing wrong with hope - don't give up completely.
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