Discussion in 'Welcome' started by ghostangelcake7, Aug 14, 2016.

  1. ghostangelcake7

    ghostangelcake7 Well-Known Member


    I suffer from chronic depression, anxiety and extreme panic attacks. It has ruined my life among other factors that are making me regularly consider ending my life. I don't know what to do. I am afraid to start living because I feel like my like is ruined. It's a long, very agonizing story but based on many factors, from childhood upbringing to bullying to getting my self into a horribly abusive relationship with someone, to just overall having to friends to do any activities with. I suffer alone, and have bad experiences all the time. Nothing is enjoyable to excites me. I am still young but keep thinking about how my life might go, and feeling fairly hope-free that it won't go (or end) well. Scared, alone. No one wants to help me. My family isn't reliable.

    I don't know why I was suffe
  2. ghostangelcake7

    ghostangelcake7 Well-Known Member

    to suffer...I don't know why my message was cut off..=/
  3. moxman

    moxman I am proud to call Rosie, my best friend =) Forum Pro

    Hello Ghost, I am Mox

    Welcome to SF and thank you for joining us. Thank you for sharing part of your story with us, I know that was not an easy thing for you to do, We are here for you, Please read my story below in green below this reply to know you are not alone in hurting, you are not alone in suffering. You are among friends. We will give you emotional support and lots of hugs. You are with us now, we will rally around you and give you support. It may not always be pretty but it is from the heart. Never think of yourself as a burden to us, you are one of us now. I told you before , and I will tell you again , I have your back. Never be ashamed of how you feel, our feeling exist to keep us safe.

    People usually become suicidal when their life stressors outweigh their coping skills. I know young lady, and yes you are a lady, you have been through hell and back. You said yourself tonight, you are a survivor. Everything you have been through and you are still with us. It is an amazing display of toughness. Any lesser person would not.

    I want you to promise me that if you feel like you are going to hurt yourself, you will take yourself to the ER and get the help you need. There is no shame in getting the help you need. The help you deserve. Besides who would take care of your fish?

    I know you have been through hell, and I only part of the story, but only you can change your future. You shared with me earlier tonight we were chatting that you are already receiving professional help. That is fantastic. You have the strength to face your challenges head on. You have a long road ahead of you, but I have faith in you that you can overcome it and conquer it. It will not always be easy , you will have your good days and you will have your bad days, that is ok. It is part of the process, don't hesitate to reach out to us for support and lean on us when you need too. That is how SF "works" we lean on each other when we are having bad days. I have more than one time got on here and ranted raved because I was upset at something, and people helped me. They will help you also; you just have to give them a chance. Give yourself a chance, because you F'g deserve it.

    Have you thought about keeping a journal as a coping skill? It would be a good way to get your emotions off of your chest and put them down in a piece of paper and you will feel better. I know you have been through hell and you are still going through hell because of that monster. What coping skills do you use?

    If you want to discuss something privately for whatever reason, just PM or IM me. I promise you , your secret will be safe with me.

    Please Take Care of Yourself and tell your fish I said Hi!!!!!
  4. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Welcome to the suicide forums hun

    I CAN relate to what you wrote, I went through severe bullying and and an emotionally abusive relationship too. If you want to chat with me just go to my profile and send me a message, I am online here every day and will always support you as much as possible. I am sorry you had a bad start to your life but don't fret, it does not define you as a person (gentle hugs) stay safe, you will get through his difficult period of your life.
  5. lightning05

    lightning05 Well-Known Member

    Welcome to SF. Please keep posting here and you will find a tremendous amount of support. I am sorry to hear about all of the trauma you endured and hope that being a part of this forum can provide you with some relief.
  6. MusicalHeart

    MusicalHeart Well-Known Member

    Hello ghostangelcake7, I am MusicalHeart, but you can call me Emily. I suffer from depression, anxiety, panic attacks, an eating disorder and a form of seizures. Since I was ten, my younger sister had been diagnosed with an extreme anxiety disorder. Due to this disorder she becomes very violent, and always took/takes it out on me. I have been abused both physically and emotionally by my whole family. My family thinks I am faking all my medical and mental illnesses. You are not alone. I am always here to talk. Welcome to SF.
  7. ghostangelcake7

    ghostangelcake7 Well-Known Member

    Thanks for the welcome you guys. I am literally just starting my healing journey. and hoping for a full, at least almost full recovery at some point in the near future. I just don't know if things will look up for me. Day to day life being me has become a struggle to cope with ways to overcome my past memories, alot of trauma in my life.

    I have much compassion and empathy for everyone who posts here. I am also looking for compassionate and ethical understanding and consideration of my own personal issues. My life has been a nightmare for awhile, and I just need more ways to cope so I can keep myself going.

    Life has not been kind to me and it started really early in my childhood. I often curse my parent's for procreating and making me come into existence as this life I am.
    I was bullied, teased, picked on and humiliated. I have no relationship with my mother and not much with my father because they are not helpful or good role models.

    Mostly, I am trying to recover myself from an almost 5 year long abusive "relationship" that interfered with my life. And, it's a long agonizing story I won't get in depth here, but maybe later in time. I am seeing a psychotherapist but so far it's not helping me much, just forcing me to relive the memories I want so desperately to be removed from my consciousness, and me entire being. I am 29 years old, and hoping for a fresh start in my life by the age of 30 as well...I don't have much else to look forward to just moving further and further away from this mental torment.

    Thanks to every one for hearing me out and most of all caring...I return the sentiments.
  8. MusicalHeart

    MusicalHeart Well-Known Member

    We're always here for you. Always. You're family now.
  9. ghostangelcake7

    ghostangelcake7 Well-Known Member

  10. ghostangelcake7

    ghostangelcake7 Well-Known Member

    Thank You. Means so much you've no idea cause I am always feeling overlooked..
  11. SinisterKid

    SinisterKid Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Just a little word of warning ghost, recovery can take a long time. Its a different journey for us all and there are obstacles and hurdles along the way. We all find our own ways around and over them. It takes hard work, time and patience and so far my experience is, small steps at all times, anything else just sets you up to fail and when that happens, we crash. That then sets us back a little bit.

    So try not to put a firm timescale on anything because you just cannot say how long these things take. Just learning how to manage anxiety can take months, sometimes years and you have depression and panic attacks on top. So try and deal with them one at a time. I have been doing anxiety and stress management, mood management and DBT and WRAP all at once and its too much to take in. I knew nothing about mental health at all when I started, so its been a very steep learning curve and I have yet to process it all.

    Not wanting to pour cold water on your plans, just pointing out a pitfall or two to try and make your road a smooth one.
    moxman likes this.
  12. ghostangelcake7

    ghostangelcake7 Well-Known Member

    I realize this, and yes, I shouldn't say by this age or whatever milestone I reach it should be that I reach a certain point in my recovery. I have only been out of the abuse for about 3 years give or take a few I know that at least matching the amount of time I spent in that toxic environment with a toxic entity is a minimum I presume would be sufficient to help me get past it..and keep it there, not with me in my life in the present, as my own person..trying to get back to my original and neutral self and identity. I am hoping this person isn't around anymore to think about me, speak of me, or anything having to do with ME. I was just a 21 year old when this started...8 years later, I have awakened to what it really was...not a true relationship..but almost like a well executed abduction by a sexual predator. Someone who is still out there..roaming among the good...disguising their hidden aspect I unfortunately had to endure for almost 5 straight years. They pose as an artist and likeable persona. I know their full name, their last address I was prisoner and suffered endless abuse in all varieties..I hate that place and shudder at the mention of that geography he supposedly still dwells. I live in a very different region of the state now though. But still alittle too close for comfort..because it's only about a 2 hour drive away..=(*

    They really messed me up. And I wish I could get definite justice for it besides just talking to my therapist and online about this. I have vented to good sumaritans and a few others about this because it was a significant event (no..error..wrong turn) of my has and still has profound effects on my ability to lead my life and feel secure in my person. I am on this journey to recovery, and taking baby steps as you say is best.

    I know it could take the rest of my earth time to purge this...this is my cross to bear...I have to forgive myself for being so naive and letting this person life and my family's lives for that time period...really sucks to know I let this monstrosity in...I feel tainted and wish I could have a new body and new life right now. I hate living in the same world as that horrible, horrible thing 'he' on to catch a predator..not out with the good ones..
    moxman likes this.
  13. moxman

    moxman I am proud to call Rosie, my best friend =) Forum Pro

    Thank you for sharing that. I am sure that was not an easy thing for you to do. I really like the fact that he is separated from you geographically; and you are highly unlikely to come into contact with that monster again. You have been through hell girl, my heart goes out to you. I am happy that you can see him for what he truly is ; a manipulative monster that preyed upon a young woman. I wish you the best and if you ever need help just ask.

    Take Care
  14. ghostangelcake7

    ghostangelcake7 Well-Known Member

    and I hate how this entity made me part of his sick perverted world...and how he took complete advantage of my lesser quality background, and undeveloped maturity and my low self esteem and naivety at that time, and as a 21 year old girl without having much knowledge at that age about ANYTHING in life, because my parents taught me nothing, and i was not taught to defend myself well. I hate that I could have called the cops on him numerous times but let him get away..with ME in his life..I had those plans are a whole new ball game cause of meeting this entity...doesn't deserve to be called a human being..he was a monster plain and simple..just good at his words and his manipulation and brainwashing.. He tried to get me to do the worst things, and involve me in his sick twisted fantasies..he succeed in making me his "live-in young girlfriend" and he was 20 years older an just disgusting to look at...his pores oozed his aweful nature, yet at that time I was blinded by his WORDS and his AGE he used as power over me...I want to scream at the top of my lungs, I want his head to explode when I do this...this should not have happened to one should endure anymore remotely what I did. I don't understand how I was tricked...I am still processing the whole sad and horrific event between the years 2008-20014 (the year I moved out of his hellhole)...
  15. ghostangelcake7

    ghostangelcake7 Well-Known Member

    Thanks Moxman (Barry)..I appreciate your support for me. I need all I can get.
  16. moxman

    moxman I am proud to call Rosie, my best friend =) Forum Pro

    I'm on a lot if you ever want to chat just let me know. I am here for you.
  17. MusicalHeart

    MusicalHeart Well-Known Member

    Here, you're never overlooked. I promise.
  18. moxman

    moxman I am proud to call Rosie, my best friend =) Forum Pro

    (If I am wrong please don't hesitate to correct me, ok?) This monster was a master magician if you will. You only saw what the monster wanted you to see. You only felt what the monster wanted you to feel. The monster brainwashed you in a way. The monster probably isolated you from your friends and family. Once you were able to see past the monsters "tricks" you were able to see the monster for what it really was, the evil part it was hiding.

    I can't imagine the willpower you had to overcome the monster and its tactics. That is when you were able to escape from that hell hole; I am sure that was not an easy task. But YOU did it girl. Kudos to you!!! Give yourself some credit, you overcame the monsters illusions and you were able to escape. A lesser person might still be the monsters captive. I really feel like you are being too hard on yourself; give yourself credit for having the brains to see past his "tricks" and you were able to escape from the monsters hold.

    Take Care
  19. ghostangelcake7

    ghostangelcake7 Well-Known Member

    I really am hard on myself. I PUNISH myself with these thoughts and it's become cyclic and most of what I think about, and this thinking has corroded numerous occasions for me, being with family (who knew he was no good but alas I was isolated from them for any help from them, plus they all didn't know the true measure of his perversion and corruption as I know).. Speaking to my therapist today helped me feel better that I am purging it out of my system, but a good mind still never forgets what's happened, and the lessons learned are irreversible now. I will never go back to such pitiful circumstances surrounded by such toxicity and vulgarity. I have learned lessons it might take many many lifetimes for others to learn, in about a 2 year window of time since exiting it. Since the "Awakening" happened to me.

    This link describes exactly what happened the those "tricks" he used on me...
    that's not even ALL of it, but a good start to my understanding of what happened to I feel so utterly different now than I used to feel, and can't function with the same exact 'ease' I used to be, before this all happened. I overthink alot impairs me gravely.
  20. moxman

    moxman I am proud to call Rosie, my best friend =) Forum Pro

    Dumb question, when your thoughts become cyclic, what method do you use to break the circle? I know what they are like, when I went through my own personal hell. When I had them they became overwhelming and me feel "small" and powerless.

    When you punish yourself, the only person you are hurting is yourself; aren't you tired of being hurt? I feel like you are looking back at the horrors that were done to you at the hands of the monster, and you are second guessing yourself. Remember it is always easier to see things after they have happened. They are a hell of a lot harder to see when you are in the present.