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Discussion in 'Welcome' started by Jam292, Jan 1, 2012.

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  1. Jam292

    Jam292 Member

    Hi,

    I'm the new guy. I just want to introduce myself a little. I'm a 29 year old man, college educated, unemployed, single. I live in a suburban area with my parents and sister. I think I determine my self worth based on the way I am perceived by women. Being my age, living with my parents and being unemployed will get you a bad perception before you ever utter a word to a woman. So, woe is me. I've not been in a relationship since more than a year ago, when i still had a job and an apartment. We only dated for about 2 months and I still think about her a year later...the fact that I do that depresses me. I don't know why when she dumped I felt so bad, I've been dumped before by women I've had longer relationships with. I guess I really like this girl a lot. Anyway after she left I did something stupid, which I've never done before. I joined a sex social website. I had 3 sexual encounters with women from the site before I stopped. The last girl made me really reconsider what I was doing. I talked to her, which she was surprised by. Anyway she told her life story which was absolutely heartbreaking. She told me how her mother died at 31 of drug overdose. She lived with her father since her pre-teen years and he frequently kicked her out of the home and she would have to find places to stay. Got into drugs and sex. She confessed she was only 19 when she had previously claimed to be 24 (which I knew was a lie anyway). She had recently moved up to my area with her fiancee, who had since dumped her leaving her on her own. I worked in social services helping teens like her and assisting law enforcement when minor's have been sexually abused... and now knowing totally who she was, I was about to use her sexually and then take her home. I so wish that I could say that after we talked I just took her home, but I can't - and for that I hate myself. I can't believe I did this to her. This was about a year ago. I havn't had sex with anyone since then. Anyway I'm hear today because after about 6 months of failing to find employment I could feel my depression mounting. Thoughts of suicide are normal I think but this is the first time I've ever actually had a plan...it frightens me and comforts me at the same time, it's weird. I've found myself desperately reaching out to women for comfort. Most of whom want nothing to do with me.<..edit moderator total elipse deleted forum site> I swear I'll kill myself before I use that site again though.

    Anyway, that's a small glimpse of me for now.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 1, 2012
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Hi and welcome...we have all done things that bring us shame...it is how we make amends and forgive ourselves that is the question...maybe, there is a way through your work to find a way to mend the situation for yourself...welcome again and I hope you find the support and caring you are seeking
     
  3. Mr Stewart

    Mr Stewart Well-Known Member

    Welcome!
     
  4. Jam292

    Jam292 Member

    Hi guys, Thanks for replying. I'm not sure how to mend anything. The girl I had mentioned did try to contact me afterward, I ignored her attempts - I assume she wanted sex again but I'll never know. I have no way of finding her now - which I don't think would go well anyway. I'm still thinking that my suicide would be justice of some kind for myself. As well as a way to sort of "reclaim my honor". I've always loved history - it's my passion and I've considered a career switch to education in the past. Lately my historical reading has revolved around suicide in various cultures and era's. I've fallen in love with the idea that it can be a way to prove that you were honorable and good and only the world around you and it's evil has destroyed you - and you suicide is merely you last futile act of resistance against your own destruction by the world. This idea is extremely prevalent in Asian culture.

    I consider myself a fairly smart guy. I recently decided how to kill myself. It took time to gather the materials, construct and test it. I'm really proud of it - I revere it on the same level as my degree - its like an accomplishment. I don't know why I havn't used it yet. If it fails...I'd probably be disabled and that's scary but I don't think that's the reason. I don't know....
     
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