Discussion in 'Welcome' started by ellorian, Jun 13, 2012.

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  1. ellorian

    ellorian Well-Known Member

    I am not sure why I joined because I do not know if I have the will or desire to continue. Actually on some level I guess I do know because if I was no longer fighting hard I would not be here. Perhaps it will help.

    I am a 44 year old grieving husband of a spouse who passed last year (June 30th). I am a member of a Hospice support group and also have started seeing a trusted therapist. I have fought depression and anxiety all my life and while the anxiety is in remission the depression is in overdrive. I remember having suicidal thoughts since childhood and for as long as I remember they have been pretty much daily. That is my common life situation but I know things are bad when they are not merely hourly but hourly-to-constant as at present. Frankly there are times over the last few days where it is probably the fact that I am spiritually drained that has saved me,

    Of all ironies I work as a peer counselor in a mental health nonprofit. By all accounts (boss, colleagues and the people I serve) I am even doing well and helping people progress. What I am able to do for others I can no longer do for myself.
  2. jimk

    jimk Staff Alumni

    Welcome ellorian.. Yes a real irony that you do good helping others but able to do the same for yourself..can identify a bit with thar.. One the. Reasons you got a good therapist sir.. Heard therapists make the worst patients!!!! Hope that is not your case

    So sorry about the big loss of your wife.. Had a loss recently also.. Hurts bad all time..start to call them and then realize again they are gone.. Terrible hurt for you and sorry I cannot make that better now..there are lots of good caring ppl on here.lots that also ponder often about ending it all."

    Look around this place some.. Lots of forums that might be helpful and chat rooms pretty busy also.. Got any questions or just need some help please let us know.. Jim
  3. Mr Stewart

    Mr Stewart Well-Known Member

    Welcome ellorian.

  4. oval

    oval Well-Known Member

    Hello ellorian :) interesting name. Welcome to the site. I do hope that you will find this forum helpful!
  5. ellorian

    ellorian Well-Known Member

    Thank you all for welcoming me. In truth I was weeping this morning when I got up to go to work, and I had to force myself to do so. It is all I can do not to contact my boss and resign. That's not because I hate my job - it is the best job I have ever had. Simply it hurts so much to do anything that resembles life now. This week I have been forcing myself to go through the motions for other people, but how long can you do that when you are no longer willing to do it for yourself? I just don't know.
  6. jimk

    jimk Staff Alumni

    hi there.. a couple of questions and my thouhgts.. how is your sleeping going currently.. are you on any antidepressants or other meds currently.. the really deep depression is always part of the grieving process.. often i have felt like aw fuck it and wanting to give up everything and quit trying as the days antidepres. meds wear out later each day.. meds may help you sojme with this.. you just get to point alll the time that the whole trip of life is not worth the trouble and lord help me i want to get off again now.. lack of sleep makes it all that much more difficult also\... too much sleep is the other way annd all you wan tot do is go in the bed and pull the balnkets over your head and just spend the whole day there.. like your feet and rest of body in concrete and not able to do much of anythihg.

    ellorian if any of this sounds like you now then you need to tell a shrink adn your therapist.. is way too fucking hard to do alone.. can crush you good sir.. get the desire and some time look arund at the dep[ression forum, there is a loss forum , which may help you some.. reading your posts here resemble a lot of what i have gone thru and still doing now.. now that you have started talking on here now,,, i hope you try to keep the conversations a goin'.. take care,, Jim
  7. ellorian

    ellorian Well-Known Member

    jimk - thank you for replying. Let me deal with a couple of things you raised. Firstly a shrink (as opposed to therp) and anti-deps is pointless. I tried numerous anti-deps over a 6 year period and none were helpful at all, indeed some (such as Seroquel) were harmful. The only things that have helped are situational and cognitive change - and those do help. This is a psychological problem based in negative thoughts, beliefs and feelings and not a chemically-based psychiatric imbalance. My therapist is fully aware of my belief on that (and that I am close to suicide currently, I spoke to her today) and has not seen the need to contradict the belief based on my experience with meds. My anxiety on the other hand (currently in remission) is a mix of psychiatry and psychology and I have found prn ativan etc helpful during anxiety spikes. So I do know the difference.

    Regarding my sleep - it is a mess. It has been for a few years but has become extremely poor recently. These days if I am lucky I sleep four hours at a time. More often I sleep one to two and then can be awake for several hours before being able to sleep again. Yes, I know exhaustion makes it worse. I'm trying to improve my sleep hygiene but as yet it really isn't helping that much. Though I have had a couple of nights recently where I got back to having four hours instead of two at a time. So I guess there's some hope there. I tried a sleep aid last fall to help me adjust back to a regular sleeping pattern following the loss of my night-shift job. It helped for a short time but after it was stopped my sleeping became worse than it has ever been - as detailed above. I also have nightmares. I won't say constant, but most dreams I do recall are either mind-bogglingly weird or straight-up psychologically-devastating nightmares. It's been a couple of weeks now since the last one, but at that time I went through 1.5-2 weeks where I was woken up 6 nights with haunting, emotionally devastating nightmares. 2-3 were about my wife dying (not necessarily how she actually died, but the pain of losing her magnified again). The rest were about either nuclear destruction or world-destruction by deities and felt very real. Nightmares, like suicidal thoughts, go back to childhood and have been an ever-present factor in my life.
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