I am not sure why I joined because I do not know if I have the will or desire to continue. Actually on some level I guess I do know because if I was no longer fighting hard I would not be here. Perhaps it will help. I am a 44 year old grieving husband of a spouse who passed last year (June 30th). I am a member of a Hospice support group and also have started seeing a trusted therapist. I have fought depression and anxiety all my life and while the anxiety is in remission the depression is in overdrive. I remember having suicidal thoughts since childhood and for as long as I remember they have been pretty much daily. That is my common life situation but I know things are bad when they are not merely hourly but hourly-to-constant as at present. Frankly there are times over the last few days where it is probably the fact that I am spiritually drained that has saved me, Of all ironies I work as a peer counselor in a mental health nonprofit. By all accounts (boss, colleagues and the people I serve) I am even doing well and helping people progress. What I am able to do for others I can no longer do for myself.