I can't begin to explain the things that are going through my head at this point. I am beyond suicidal. My last attempt was about 4 years ago after a bad breakup. 2 days ago I tested positive for HIV. When I learned the news, my heart hit the floor. As soon as I got home I started researching the disease and realized that I was showing symptoms of carrying it. I'm a 23 year old who is not independent and has a job that doesn't pay much. This is not exactly a disease that I can handle period. I have told one friend who seems to be pretty supportive but telling my family is a task I cannot do. I should be receiving the confirmatory results sometime this morning and I don't want to see them. There is no way in the world I'm lucky enough to have a false positive. My heart has been racing non stop and I can't stop crying which I'm sure is normal for someone just finding out this news. Last night I slept with a large kitchen knife and made a noose in my closet out of a bed sheet. I woke up a few times to tighten and test it out but became weak when I began to asphyxiate. I've started to compose a letter to my close family and friends and will finish upon my confirmed results. I know there are many others out there that are living with this disease and I personally know a few but this life has never been for me. Having this on top of my normal everyday anxiety will literally drive me mad, to the point of hospitalization which I feel is a fate much worse than me ending it all now. My naivety lead me to this point now it is time to face the music. I love God and I hope he knows my heart is good.