Next lifetime

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Done11, Mar 1, 2012.

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  1. Done11

    Done11 Member

    I can't begin to explain the things that are going through my head at this point. I am beyond suicidal. My last attempt was about 4 years ago after a bad breakup. 2 days ago I tested positive for HIV. When I learned the news, my heart hit the floor. As soon as I got home I started researching the disease and realized that I was showing symptoms of carrying it. I'm a 23 year old who is not independent and has a job that doesn't pay much. This is not exactly a disease that I can handle period. I have told one friend who seems to be pretty supportive but telling my family is a task I cannot do. I should be receiving the confirmatory results sometime this morning and I don't want to see them. There is no way in the world I'm lucky enough to have a false positive. My heart has been racing non stop and I can't stop crying which I'm sure is normal for someone just finding out this news.
    Last night I slept with a large kitchen knife and made a noose in my closet out of a bed sheet. I woke up a few times to tighten and test it out but became weak when I began to asphyxiate. I've started to compose a letter to my close family and friends and will finish upon my confirmed results. I know there are many others out there that are living with this disease and I personally know a few but this life has never been for me. Having this on top of my normal everyday anxiety will literally drive me mad, to the point of hospitalization which I feel is a fate much worse than me ending it all now.
    My naivety lead me to this point now it is time to face the music. I love God and I hope he knows my heart is good.
     
  2. windlepoons

    windlepoons Well-Known Member

    I think you should tell your family, preferably in person. Feeling you cannot handle it is normal I suspect, its a big thing. But people will understand, it is a huge change of life. Do you feel you could attend a support group?
     
  3. Done11

    Done11 Member

    I honestly cannot handle being in a support group at this point. If I choose to live which is becoming more and more difficult, then maybe in the future. Right now I am scared, scared of how my mother and grandmother will react and scared of life after death.
     
  4. windlepoons

    windlepoons Well-Known Member

    They will be upset, and that may be expressed as anger, if they are a certain kind of personality.
    Perhaps there is a forum like SF for people have have the same problem, who will have more experience with the issues you are going through. This should be easier than a face to face group.
     
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