Next to the pain

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by Gina, Jun 15, 2010.

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  1. Gina

    Gina Member

    I was wondering if anyone has any experience with this. I've had many many major depressive episodes and I know what those are like for me. They usually involve waves of pain, crying, extreme hopelessness, I get lathargic, and sort of have a feeling I just have to wait it out. BUT, this time I feel like I suppressed these feelings (obviously I not sure) a few months ago, have had a one or more psychotic experiences (not big - just weird and new) during the last couple months, and as of the last couple weeks have been having the following problems. I'm not real familiar with anxiety (I've never had panic attacks), but I guess my fist clenching and weird straining movements I've been making with my hands have something to do with anxiety. I don't feel like I can think real well. Sometimes when I'm reclined in a comfortable chair my head feels weird - kind of dizzy, but not spinning. I only feel safe at home, I don't want to drive any distance any where because I don't feel completely like my normal way of being in control on short trips. I'm sure there are more things I can't think of right now.
    I feel as if I'm not consciously letting myself be in the depression I should be. Some times I can get a glimps of what my hopeless thoughts are (they are really really bad), but I'm not feeling the pain. I'm feeling really really strange emotionally and somewhat physically (mostly my head). I'm very afraid that I may wind up in my depression that may this time not be survivable. Has anyone else every experienced this and if so what happened.
  2. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    :( I cannot say I have had an experience like that before. Though it sounds to me like you are very conflicted. You want to both be happy and depressed. Your halogen side is duking it out with your depressed side.

    :hug: I wish I could help more. Keep fighting your depression hun. I am sure you can win. :hug:
  3. Gina

    Gina Member

    I'm not completely sure what you ment by 'halogen' side. But, I'm really thinking you've mentioned a way I've been feeling. The only way I've heard the word halogen is when refering to a light bulb type.
    I feel as if there is a black (purest of blackness) part of me that is my depression. I told my therapist that it feels like there is usually a battle going on when I'm really depressed where the blackness does fight (or duke it out - how you put it) with the other part of me. But, this time it feels like the blackness is trying to throw it's punches, but is just angry-ly yelling at the other part of me, because this time the other part of me is somehow hiding and not fighting back. I don't feel like I have any control regarding the part that is hiding, I don't know why it's working this way this time. It just feels so different.
  4. twc

    twc Well-Known Member

    Stress and isolation will do all sorts of strange things to people. Human beings are meant to be around each other, to talk and relate in some kind of accepting way. When we don't get that, our bodies react...

    Just my thoughts.
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