Nice try but no cigar

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Monsieur, Sep 2, 2010.

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  1. Monsieur

    Monsieur Well-Known Member

    Well here I am. Back where I started 4 years ago. Funny how foolish I was honestly, funny to think that in a short period of 4 years I could overcome the demons of depression and rise triumphant as a new person completely unrecognizable from me today (or the past). But what can I say, I've always been called a foolish romantic idealist, ignorant and naive of any truth to the real nihilist equation.

    I'm 17 now. And it's no different. I feel no different from that scared child four years ago. That child who saw the world through a pair of somber blue and gray hues and could not find any solace in anything besides that of the thought of sweet destruction, sweet and beautiful eternal sleep.

    I can't deny that I've made some progress, but it's not enough, not enough at all. I can't deny that I've had some sunny days, but not enough, not enough at all. Within the span of these 4 years I felt like I never truly matured a single inch. I watched like a helpful infant as my peers steadily grew into intelligent and talented individuals while I reeled in ineffable pain under the crushing weight of depression. I can't bear it, I can't bear the shame of letting down both my parents and myself at losing my potential, everything I could have been.

    I spent these awful years hidden away from the world in melancholy solitude, engaged day and night in my escapist activities and metaphorical medication of mind numbing video games and other terrible hedonistic pleasures. I knew no other way to cope, and my parents saw me as none other than a fool without a dream when it was so far from that. I still had a dream that is now fading and dying. I dreamed of many things as a child but I would never imagine that my young life would end like this.

    These years of running and dreaming must come to an end. I cannot bear this shame anymore. It is time that I drew my fantastic and dark dreams of death and slumber out from the imagination and into reality with determined action. There's so much more I wanted to do in life if only I was given a chance to be normal, but alas, I feel cornered and despondent...:sad:
     
  2. Monsieur

    Monsieur Well-Known Member

    ARGHHGHGHH! What the hell is up with these violent mood swings? I can't hold down anything, everything changes when my mood shifts; my philosophy, my perspectives, my motivation all seem to be tossed about in a brutal and unending cycle of insanity! Suicide is not the answer to a temporary problem, but rather an answer to a problem that will never relent.
     
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