Nicotine and Caffeine

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Entity, Apr 18, 2016.

  1. Entity

    Entity Well-Known Member

    Today is April 18, 2016. Today marks one year I proved I was strong enough to leave an abusive relationship. This day may not be special to anyone else, but today I am so proud of myself. After three years of being mentally and physically beat down, I have officially been free of it all for an entire year today. I am a survivor. I may not have anyone in my life right now that knows everything that happened, but dear god, I have me. I know what I did. I know what I have overcome.

    Yesterday I think I lost my best friend. I could tell her anything and everything going on and so much of me wants to scream to her that I am still here today after all of this and revel in my accomplishment. But I met her on here, so I should be okay with the suicide threats and pictures of self injury I received, but it just made me so sad. I haven't been in the right frame of mind to be able to help her. So I decided that I would rather her be mad at me than for her to not be here at all. I messaged her mother on Facebook to help her because I knew I couldn't. When I saw her picture it triggered me so much all I wanted to do was do the same to my body. To feel that feeling. So I knew I wouldn't be able to stop her. Instead of understanding that I was trying to be helpful she ended up blocking me. This is the twenty-first century and she can do as she pleases, but have it known I did the same to her. After I found out she blocked me I did the same for a few hours. On everything she could possibly use to contact me. If I was going to be exiled for helping, I wasn't about to be a victim.

    Today, I have re-evaluated my maturity and unblocked everything because I know I am a survivor. I don't need to add drama to my life anymore. I've had quite enough drama in my life.

    Today, my name is Kaitlin and I am surivivor.

    I don't know what tomorrow holds for me, but looking at how far I have come in just a year I know I can do this. I'm just over a week free of self harm myself and I will celebrate every single second of that.

    I have depression and anxiety and it sucks, but I refuse to let it be the end of the world.

    Today, as I sit outside in the sunlight smoking my cigarette and drinking my coffee I began thinking just how amazing all human beings are.

    I am a human being too.

    I am amazing.

    You are amazing.

    We are all amazing.

    It's about time everyone realized just how incredible we all really are.

    I'm not expecting this newfound mindset to last forever, but today?

    Today, goddamnit, I am amazing.
  2. ThePhantomLady

    ThePhantomLady Safety and Support SF Supporter

    I am so proud of you for being a survivor. You have done amazing things for yourself! And thank you for sharing that story!
    Enjoy today! You earned it!

    It can be tough to have friends with issues, and you need to take of yourself. You did the right thing with asking someone else to help her. *hugs*
    Entity likes this.
  3. Freya

    Freya Loves SF Staff Member ADMIN

    This made me cry. Goddamnit you ARE AMAZING! I am so proud of you - especially when I remember the scared little kid I met here for the first time years ago. You are strong and smart and beautiful and brave and INCREDIBLE and you should be every single bit as proud of yourself as you are.

    If your friend decides that she doesn't want to be friends with you that is sad but ultimately it is her loss because you are a wonderful person and anyone would be lucky to have you in their life.

    I love this post. You are a GLORIOUS person Kaitlin (not Kaitlyn, Katelynn, Catelyn, Catelin or any other variation :p )
    Entity likes this.
  4. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Beautiful, wonderful, incredible post. Thank you for sharing the positivity. *hugs* I hope every day is like this one for you!!!
    Entity likes this.
  5. Brian777

    Brian777 Safety and Support Forum Pro SF Supporter

    Congratulations on one year of Freedom!!!!!
    Great Stuff!!!
    Entity likes this.
  6. Witty_Sarcasm

    Witty_Sarcasm Writer, Musician, Fun Lover, Magic Maker

    I loved reading your story! I am glad that you were able to get past everything that has hurt you, and you became a stronger person because of it. I wish the best for you going forward :)
    Entity likes this.
  7. Entity

    Entity Well-Known Member

    All of you are so sweet! Thank you for celebrating today with me :)
    Brian777 and Witty_Sarcasm like this.
  8. Marshmallow

    Marshmallow Staff Alumni

    I'm proud of you.
    Entity likes this.
  9. Rockclimbinggirl

    Rockclimbinggirl SF climber Staff Member Safety & Support

    I'm so proud of you. :)
    Entity likes this.