I am so tired. Sleeping has been getting worse. Over the holidays I was at least getting some sleep now it is practically nothing. The nightmares are back with a vengeance. They just repeating over and over again. Like the cuts are etched into my skin, the nightmares are etched into my brain. I can’t shake them. I can’t tell people about them. It’s the things no one knows. The things I have been told never to speak of. I got told that about everything else, but the nightmares I have been threatened over. If I tell….(not going into that). So I guess I will tell you mum, you can’t do anything about them. Your not here anymore. Pentacle says you’re a like a guardian angel watching over me all the time… If you were why don’t you stop him? Or give me the power too…. How do I get rid of these nightmares. They are to strong I can’t fight them and I cant watch the scenes over and over again. I cant watch him coming into my room when I was young dressed as a clown and touching me where he shouldn’t. Now do you understand why I cried every time you wanted me to go to the circus? The only thing that has seen everything is the teddy you bought me when I was 5. When he left I used to cling onto teddy and cry. But he soon found out I cried that’s when the violence started when I was 10 a year after he started. He came in again after he left. He saw I was crying and hit me. I didn’t understand why. He told me everytime I cried I would get a smack. He told me over and over again so I just didn’t cry. I gave up crying all together. You thought I was strong but I was just bottling everything up. This is what the nightmares are about him coming in, even though I know I am safe at Andy’s I don’t feel it because everytime I close my eyes he is with me. He is touching me. He is forcing himself inside me and I am begging him to stop. “It hurts” I say “please stop please” I am crying now so he hits me. Then the scene changes it goes to the old man on top of me. My friends’ dad. Could he sense my shame and guilt at what A did? Could he see I was petrified of men but not strong enough to stop them? After he had finished I bathed for ages. I scrubbed myself with a cloth till my skin peeled off. I still felt dirty. That’s when the washing my hands after human contact started. Everytime someone touches me I have to.. I feel dirty and when people touch me it makes me feel worse. Anyway mum I was telling you about the nightmares. The worst part is the last part. You. I see you lying in the bed connected to all the machines and the doctors shocking you. I can hear them saying “shocking 360 stand clear” but it didn’t work the doctors then stopped. I was 12 years old and wanted to cry but was not allowed. I screamed at them to carry on... to save you. I needed you mum. But they wouldn’t listen to a silly 12yr old girl. The doctor asked if everyone agreed. They did then they called it. “Time of death 05.01pm thanks everyone” the machine was flatlining and beeping. I just wanted it to pick up a trace and stop beeping but it wouldn’t. Dad was sobbing his heart out the doctor went round and turned the machine off. That was it you was gone. I was alone. This part of the nightmare is the last bit because this is where I usually wake up. I also see you in the coffin laying there. You looked so peaceful in your white gown. You looked like an angel. I grabbed hold of your hand then let go. It was ice cold. When this happened in reality you looked so at peace… but because of what people said at school, in my dreams it is different. In my dreams when I hold your hand you open your eyes. I know this isn’t true mum but im telling you the nightmares don’t get offended please. When you open your eyes you look at me and say “murderer its your fault I died, you caused it. You killed me. You deserve everything you get. I hate you”. This is where I wake up. Andy says I scream at the room telling A and R to get off me and shouting to you “I’m sorry mum I love you. Please don’t hate me I am so sorry”. I cant tell anyone else what I see when I close my eyes. The thing is even when I am awake I am not safe from the nightmares. They are so vivid I can’t forget them. All I want is a decent night’s sleep. I need to be able to wake up in the morning refreshed then maybe I could think through everything properly. I need to think through Friday and what is going to happen but I cant because all that is occupying my head is the nightmares. I NEED THEM TO GO. I am not allowed to talk about the nightmares so they are never going to go. I am never going to sleep and I am going to disappoint you. I have college tomorrow and I am going to fail. I cant concentrate. I don’t know what it is going to be like. I am dreading it. I have exams coming up and I know I’m going to fail. I cant sleep so cant concentrate. I just don’t know what to do. Love you mum and miss you loads. I still don’t think it has sunk in that I’m never going to see you again; least I still have your support through this. Write soon and have fun wherever you are. You deserve it! I am so glad your not in pain anymore I just wish you was still here.