nightmare ~triggering~

Discussion in 'Rape and Abuse' started by tintin, Apr 16, 2008.

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  1. tintin

    tintin Guest

    I am so tired. Sleeping has been getting worse. Over the holidays I was at least getting some sleep now it is practically nothing. The nightmares are back with a vengeance. They just repeating over and over again. Like the cuts are etched into my skin, the nightmares are etched into my brain. I can’t shake them. I can’t tell people about them. It’s the things no one knows. The things I have been told never to speak of. I got told that about everything else, but the nightmares I have been threatened over. If I tell….(not going into that). So I guess I will tell you mum, you can’t do anything about them. Your not here anymore. Pentacle says you’re a like a guardian angel watching over me all the time…
    If you were why don’t you stop him? Or give me the power too….
    How do I get rid of these nightmares. They are to strong I can’t fight them and I cant watch the scenes over and over again. I cant watch him coming into my room when I was young dressed as a clown and touching me where he shouldn’t. Now do you understand why I cried every time you wanted me to go to the circus? The only thing that has seen everything is the teddy you bought me when I was 5. When he left I used to cling onto teddy and cry. But he soon found out I cried that’s when the violence started when I was 10 a year after he started. He came in again after he left. He saw I was crying and hit me. I didn’t understand why. He told me everytime I cried I would get a smack. He told me over and over again so I just didn’t cry. I gave up crying all together. You thought I was strong but I was just bottling everything up. This is what the nightmares are about him coming in, even though I know I am safe at Andy’s I don’t feel it because everytime I close my eyes he is with me. He is touching me. He is forcing himself inside me and I am begging him to stop. “It hurts” I say “please stop please” I am crying now so he hits me. Then the scene changes it goes to the old man on top of me. My friends’ dad. Could he sense my shame and guilt at what A did? Could he see I was petrified of men but not strong enough to stop them? After he had finished I bathed for ages. I scrubbed myself with a cloth till my skin peeled off. I still felt dirty. That’s when the washing my hands after human contact started. Everytime someone touches me I have to.. I feel dirty and when people touch me it makes me feel worse. Anyway mum I was telling you about the nightmares. The worst part is the last part. You. I see you lying in the bed connected to all the machines and the doctors shocking you. I can hear them saying “shocking 360 stand clear” but it didn’t work the doctors then stopped. I was 12 years old and wanted to cry but was not allowed. I screamed at them to carry on... to save you. I needed you mum. But they wouldn’t listen to a silly 12yr old girl. The doctor asked if everyone agreed. They did then they called it. “Time of death 05.01pm thanks everyone” the machine was flatlining and beeping. I just wanted it to pick up a trace and stop beeping but it wouldn’t. Dad was sobbing his heart out the doctor went round and turned the machine off. That was it you was gone. I was alone. This part of the nightmare is the last bit because this is where I usually wake up. I also see you in the coffin laying there. You looked so peaceful in your white gown. You looked like an angel. I grabbed hold of your hand then let go. It was ice cold. When this happened in reality you looked so at peace… but because of what people said at school, in my dreams it is different. In my dreams when I hold your hand you open your eyes. I know this isn’t true mum but im telling you the nightmares don’t get offended please. When you open your eyes you look at me and say “murderer its your fault I died, you caused it. You killed me. You deserve everything you get. I hate you”. This is where I wake up. Andy says I scream at the room telling A and R to get off me and shouting to you “I’m sorry mum I love you. Please don’t hate me I am so sorry”. I cant tell anyone else what I see when I close my eyes. The thing is even when I am awake I am not safe from the nightmares. They are so vivid I can’t forget them. All I want is a decent night’s sleep. I need to be able to wake up in the morning refreshed then maybe I could think through everything properly. I need to think through Friday and what is going to happen but I cant because all that is occupying my head is the nightmares. I NEED THEM TO GO.
    I am not allowed to talk about the nightmares so they are never going to go. I am never going to sleep and I am going to disappoint you. I have college tomorrow and I am going to fail. I cant concentrate. I don’t know what it is going to be like. I am dreading it. I have exams coming up and I know I’m going to fail. I cant sleep so cant concentrate. I just don’t know what to do.



    Love you mum and miss you loads. I still don’t think it has sunk in that I’m never going to see you again; least I still have your support through this.

    Write soon and have fun wherever you are. You deserve it! I am so glad your not in pain anymore I just wish you was still here.
     
    Last edited: Jul 15, 2008
  2. Nazza

    Nazza Guest

    Im so sorry. You are a survivor. U just need to keep breathing beautiful, i know at times that seems impossible! I know my parents can see everything clearly from where they are. They know the truth and its what gives me comfort at times when i get hurt of their suicides. I too have the most horrifying, realistic, detailed nightmares. I find it so hard to deal with them. I feel Ive been punished enough for something i never knew i did, but still have all these things. I have visions/nightmares of the most terrifying images and scenes of my parents an my 2yr old daughter who died too and they are so real, and the only way i forget about them is when there is so many that i am clouded over, so they all just go in random order on slideshow in my head or somethin. Amongst that is the constant visions of the dirty men who took my innocence away, and the dirty men who took full advantage of my vulnerable state! Im so sorry your mum isnt with you physically, i always keep the belief in my heart that my love ones on the other side are always with me, or i'd not be coping at all, let alone the little i do. . . I always ask them to take the horror away. . But it stays. At times it is ok for a while. Short lived though. . Just wanted to let you know, we are all different but i understand so much of what you are experiencing and im sorry. Please, if you ever feel the need, PM me anytime. ((((Hugs))))
     
  3. tintin

    tintin Guest

    meh ~?~

    I am not the happiest person alive. I have let myself down this week so much. Four more Cs but on the upside only 14 Ps all week. That is a HUGE improvement on the old amount. I felt like I was back there again today. The trigger was a smell I couldn’t say anything to anyone though because I would sound silly. I was sat outside As office and all I could think was that smell. It happened at break I just smelt his aftershave. I thought it could have been the word in English but thinking about it before I smelt it I was fine. Afterwards all I could thing about was IT. I could actually feel him on my skin again, so after my exam off to the toilets it was. I must have washed my hands 50 times and I could still feel him. I can still feel him now but not as much. I am NOT talking to Andrew EVER again. He is the reason I have to start this thing all over again, I was thinking of telling Alyson what set me off but I don’t dare. It sounds crazy!

    I have done my achievement list and it looks so bare! Alyson did cheer me up a bit. It was quite funny she was nagging me about smoking. I thought seen as I had let everyone down before I would only smoke half. Hopefully she is happy with this (She would be happier if I quit…). At the moment I feel better not good but better, from the last entry b4 it went missing anyway.

    I can’t believe what I put in the diary though. It had the M and everything. Hopefully seen as it was in code he wont understand!
    This is in code too it makes me feel safer writing in code.
    A has been ringing me constantly. I aint told anyone though just ignoring it.
    The B should disappear soon as well. It isn’t bad or good, its normal for me that’s the bad thing.

    D doesn’t want to talk about anything. He just keeping quiet which don’t really help.

    Anyway I am going to go hand my achievement list in…. wish me luck.

    Love you mum and miss you loads. I still don’t think it has sunk in that I’m never going to see you again; least I still have your support through this.

    Write soon and have fun wherever you are. You deserve it! I am so glad your not in pain anymore I just wish you was still here.

    Speak soon,
    Love Becca
    X xx x x xx
     
  4. tintin

    tintin Guest

    meh ~?~

    Today was much better. I feel a lot better than yesterday. Alyson did a good job of cheering me up (even if she was nagging about smoking. I told L about it all as well. Well J asked her if she knew. I am so scared about doing the actual thing but I will do it to make sure. L is so supportive am glad A asked me to talk to her. I wish you could have met her. You would have loved her.

    Life at home is just the same. No change. I am still spending all my time in my room. I felt really bad yesterday as I told you. A read this yesterday and she understood bout the trigger. I haven’t told her the rest. I don’t dare.

    I handed my achievement list in and she was happy with it (glad someone is). I actually feel ok today well not ok but not horrible either.

    I have two English essays that need to be in tomorrow but for once I have actually done them. Lawra is helping me with my Spanish she is lovely she really is.

    I have taken none today so far so L and A will be pleased with me. I really hope I get the RIGHT answer from the T. I don’t know how to cope if it comes back the wrong answer.

    L was shocked when I told her and she went mental with A.D she said if she ever saw him she would kill him.
    She is proper funny and kind and really nice and she always is there if I need to talk to someone unlike H one of my supposedly best m8s who cant even be bothered asking how I am just witters on bout who she has bedded recently or her latest crisis.

    I don’t know how she would cope with all this. She reckons its easy and that I should be used to it but its not something you get used too.
    Anyways mum I’m going to go.

    Love you mum and miss you loads. I still don’t think it has sunk in that I’m never going to see you again; least I still have your support through this.

    Write soon and have fun wherever you are. You deserve it! I am so glad your not in pain anymore I just wish you was still here.

    Speak soon,
    Love Becca
    X xx x x xx
     
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