Nightmares are back

[MaNg0s]

What I am about to you is very private to me only 2 of my friends know and my ex and parents know.

When I was 5 I went on holiday with my cousins and parents. One of my cousins was 15 (female) and would take care of me and offer to take me back to the hotel room when I was tired which was a lot. When we would go back to the hotel room she used to touch me and after a while would make me do the act with her at the time I had no idea what was going on. This lasted for about 3 weeks.

I found out that what had happened to me was not normal when I was 10 when I was watching a movie on tv with my parents and there was a sex scene and my parents told me to close my eyes because it was dirty. After that I would always feel uncomfortable around my cousin but would never say anything.

Now I used to get nightmares because of what happened. In my dream I would be lying down in my bed and the door would open and it would be opening very slowly and I would start to panic and start calling for my mum and as the door opened further I would scream and start panicking and then eventually nothing would come out of my mouth. When I would wake up from this dream I would wake up to having a panic attack.

I had the dream for the first time in 5 years last night. I have always had problems with relationships and friends as I always everyone who starts to care for me away. After last night that maybe I push everyone away because I feel like I don't deserve to be happy because of what happened to me. My therapist said that it was not my fault but I could have stopped her.

Any other rape victims here is it normal to have fears of commitment and to push your loved ones away ?

 

[carol2237]

I would say that it is, I am doing the same thing with pushing everyone away from me. My friends dont understand what i have been going through, as they dont know, but they know something is up. All i can say is try not to isolate yourself, it leads to other things you dont want. I hope things get better hunny gles*

Caroline

 

[Spearmint]

Any other rape victims here is it normal to have fears of commitment and to push your loved ones away ?

:unsure: Uh, yeah, I tend to push everyone away. I know how that is, and if you want to talk, my PM box is open. :hug:

 

[MaNg0s]

I would say that it is, I am doing the same thing with pushing everyone away from me. My friends dont understand what i have been going through, as they dont know, but they know something is up. All i can say is try not to isolate yourself, it leads to other things you dont want. I hope things get better hunny gles*

Caroline

I don't know that I am pushing anyone away till its to late. I did it to my ex I think I am just to fucked up to get involved with anyone. Even my friends are mad at me its amazing how one person ruined my the relationship I had between the one person I have ever loved.

 

[wallflower]

The sexual nightmares you are having are similar to ones that have been recurring for me for the past year- in the fact they are sexual and very frightneing of abuse. I am getting flashbacks of voices and hearing that I was raped when I was fifteen, and have no way of knowing- but i think this is what drove me to have a psychotic episode and lead to making me become schizophrenic. This is all the sudden, but I just wonder- if there's a connection between these violent dreams and your brain trying to help you know the truth.

 

[wallflower]

Im sorry that post didn't help. I hope you can get better.

 

[wallflower]

the other thing is, the flashbacks and voices are happening when I am happy and feeling clear as opposed to the delusions which happen when I'm stressed out.


I wonder if it's the love/connection and that my feeling or emotions of love are actually triggering some traumatic memory that's buried in my subconciouse for years. It's a freaky thought too, but I shouldn't listen to the voice- I mean it's a voice I am hearing, but it's different. I can't explain it, well i can, it feels like it is honestly me- me telling myself that it happned. I always had the feeling I was hiding something, from myeslf, and now i wonder- because I don't think ...I think it's possible but I am going to go crazy if I dont find out.