What I am about to you is very private to me only 2 of my friends know and my ex and parents know. When I was 5 I went on holiday with my cousins and parents. One of my cousins was 15 (female) and would take care of me and offer to take me back to the hotel room when I was tired which was a lot. When we would go back to the hotel room she used to touch me and after a while would make me do the act with her at the time I had no idea what was going on. This lasted for about 3 weeks. I found out that what had happened to me was not normal when I was 10 when I was watching a movie on tv with my parents and there was a sex scene and my parents told me to close my eyes because it was dirty. After that I would always feel uncomfortable around my cousin but would never say anything. Now I used to get nightmares because of what happened. In my dream I would be lying down in my bed and the door would open and it would be opening very slowly and I would start to panic and start calling for my mum and as the door opened further I would scream and start panicking and then eventually nothing would come out of my mouth. When I would wake up from this dream I would wake up to having a panic attack. I had the dream for the first time in 5 years last night. I have always had problems with relationships and friends as I always everyone who starts to care for me away. After last night that maybe I push everyone away because I feel like I don't deserve to be happy because of what happened to me. My therapist said that it was not my fault but I could have stopped her. Any other rape victims here is it normal to have fears of commitment and to push your loved ones away ?