Nightmares 'n tough stuff, self hatred

Discussion in 'I Need Empathy and Compassion (No advice wanted)' started by Petal, Mar 3, 2018.

  1. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    I had a few nightmares last night but woke up terrified to find the nightmares were real. I feel disgusting and ashamed. I have post traumatic stress disorder and its eating me up, i feel scared even when im sleeping. I have had a tough time recently with different issues (long story). The anxiety feels like a million worms in my mind each with a different thought, negative of course. I'm just sick of things to be honest. I'm really tired mentally and physically, i just wish someone would give me a glimmer of hope, i guess things always change if you give them a chance to. Just tired, had a rough week. Don't recognise myself when I look in the mirror, I despise the person looking back at me.
  2. Karmitkurmit

    Karmitkurmit King of the Hedge SF Supporter

    Aww Petal, unlimited {{Hedgehugs}} to you.

    I wish there was something I could say or do to take you away from this dark place you've found yourself in. I won't insult someone so amazing with my pitiful words of comfort, but please remember I, we, love you sooooo much and are all here listening intently and offering countless shoulders to cry on forever.

    Do you want to talk these nightmares out? I find it sometimes helps me. I know the feeling of PTSD so although I may not be of use here, I do empathise. You know where I am if you need me.

    Loves you darlin'. You are beautiful, despite what your mind may be telling you right now. X
    Alwayswrong and Petal like this.
  3. Alwayswrong

    Alwayswrong Well-Known Member

    Lean on us to rest and recover, to shine as you always do.
    Karmitkurmit likes this.
  4. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    @Karmitkurmit Thank you sooo much, you are amazing, I know SF is always here for me, that's why I love SF and love every single member and have huge respect for everyone's feelings. The nightmares are so soul consuming, they are around molestation/rape... I do not think I will ever recover fully from PTSD. It is always there hanging over my shoulders. Therapy has helped, medication has helped, but only goes so far! Thank you :)

    I have zero friends in real life I tend to isolate when I am not working and spend huge amounts of time on my own I don't feel I fit in anwywhere.

    @Alwayswrong thank you so much :) *hugs*
  5. Lulabelle

    Lulabelle SF Supporter

    Awww Sweetpea, I'm so sorry.

    I'm afraid I have no advice other than to tell you to remember how special you are and how much we all love you.

    Sending you gentle hugs xx
    Alwayswrong, Karmitkurmit and Petal like this.
  6. Winter Blues

    Winter Blues SF Supporter

    Hi P
    Hi Petal, I am so truly sorry you are going through a tough time but wanted to contradict you when you said you didn't fit in anywhere - you fit in simply perfectly here - you are simply the best. There are others who can give you more professional advice but I wanted to tell you just how much you are loved, valued and respected here. You make a huge difference to so many people's lives, including me. Always be you - you are special xx
  7. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Thank you both so much @Lulabelle and @Winter Blues I guess I do fit in here, thanks for pointing that out, we fail to see the positives when we are down in the dumps.

    I am really happy I have made a difference here(thrilled), I love SF, so many amazing people in one place..

    Thank you all for accepting me and my flaws, I am forever grateful to have SF to turn to in my time of need.
    Lulabelle and Alwayswrong like this.
  8. Karmitkurmit

    Karmitkurmit King of the Hedge SF Supporter

    Your nightmares and suffering put mine to shame Petal, which only makes it stand out even more as to how much of an incredibly strong person you are! I don't suppose anyone truly recovers from PTSD, unfortunately our minds and memories won't allow us; but they do make us who we are, and I for one am thankful for my trials and tribulations, for without them I wouldn't have known you. Look at how many people you, quite literally, save here on a daily basis; without your ordeals (and believe me I wish they didn't exist or that I could take them from you) none of those people would have benefited from your experiences and wealth of compassion. Please don't think that is to make light of your suffering, it really isn't, but we cannot change the past as you know. All we can do is make the best of what we have, and you are a shining example of how to turn sorrow into hope for so many souls.

    I too have zero friends in real life and have even isolated from my family now; I am currently sitting in my freezing bedroom (that I have affectionately made into a studio flat complete with door number and letterbox!), which I do every night, but you know what this has taught me? This is real life, you are my friends and family, and goddamn it if it's the last thing I do on this Earth I am determined to meet as many of you as possible!!! You fit in here more than anyone and I hope you realise that, even if it isn't so obvious to you now.

    Take a breather darlin' and lean on us until you feel you can stand again. There is not a single doubt in my mind that you have so totally got this! XXX
  9. Winter Blues

    Winter Blues SF Supporter

    Hey Petal,we are all made up of flaws stitched together with good intentions. Take care of yourself xx
  10. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Thank you both from the bottom of my heart. I can't say thank you enough.

    The memories and flashbacks make me feel nauseated and physically sick. Horrifying memories to me though the molestation was worse, those are the images I can't get out of my head.

    I truly appreciate your kind words and I try and help as many people as I can on here through what I have learned on life experience. I'm a loner. I'm never with anyone except my mom. No friends, no fun, no laughter, I struggle every day with negative thoughts, flashbacks. It's pretty bad . Life can be cruel.
  11. Rockclimbinggirl

    Rockclimbinggirl SF climber Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Sending you hugs.
    Karmitkurmit and Petal like this.
  12. Winter Blues

    Winter Blues SF Supporter

    Hi Petal, I'm a huge Bob Marley fan and a quote from him that I have held on to in my life is "you never know how strong you are until being strong is your only choice". Hold in there sweetheart, you can do this xx
    Karmitkurmit, Alwayswrong and Petal like this.
  13. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Lovin' the quote,, it's so true, thanks for sharing :)
    Karmitkurmit likes this.
  14. Karmitkurmit

    Karmitkurmit King of the Hedge SF Supporter

    I can't even begin to empathise with those feelings Petal so I won't insult your intelligence by claiming I know how you feel. For me, it's the worst crime imaginable and should carry a bigger sentence than any others. I feel so helpless as there's honestly nothing I can offer as comfort that you won't have had already, other than you have at least given me a wake up call as to how woeful my problems are and that I can do better than I am doing. I spoke at length with my psychotherapist about faith, meaning of life, and such things, and we both agreed (surprisingly) that perhaps some people are meant to suffer in order to learn things that others simply cannot fathom, if only to help those they come into contact with in later life. It's not a particularly nice or easy purpose to have, if indeed they do exist, but if my relatively small amount of suffering can help others to find a better life then that's fine by me. I know it doesn't offer any solace or relief, but it has helped me to lay some of the past to rest and find a small amount of pride in what I can do now. Don't ever, not even for a nano second, lose sight of what it is you have to offer this world and what you have achieved despite the horrors you have faced. I truly hope karma exists, because damn it's your turn for some good, and I wish nothing more than for it to come your way as soon as possible!

    I do know how cruel life can be and exactly what it's like to be a loner, but thanks to you and the rest of the SF family I'm beginning to see it from a new perspective.
    If you don't mind me asking, and do please tell me to sling my hook, what corner of the world are you from? I've never actually found out. Sorry if that's too personal. X
    Innocent Forever and Petal like this.
  15. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Sent you a PM :)
  16. Lynne1974

    Lynne1974 Well-Known Member

    Sending hugs your way, Petal. I can relate to a lot of what you said. I'm probably going to start seeing a trauma specialist, or therapist soon myself. Take care, and feel free to PM me, if you ever want to.
    Petal and Karmitkurmit like this.
  17. na-taya

    na-taya Well-Known Member

    Its so fricken hard when it happens all over again like that.
    I am only ever a message away i know im quiet at the moment but please dont hesitate to reach out to me hun. I am always here, in the backgroud. Love you xxx
    Petal and Karmitkurmit like this.
  18. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Thank you all so much.Things are finally on the upside again, I appreciate ye're thoughtful replies, bless
  19. Innocent Forever

    Innocent Forever Go as long as you can. And then take another step. Chat Pro SF Supporter