Nightmares

Discussion in 'After Effects' started by LonelyKid, Feb 10, 2008.

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  1. LonelyKid

    LonelyKid Well-Known Member

    72 days ago today on December 7th, I tried to kill myself. I haven't told a soul til now and managed to hide the bruise around my neck well but for 3 weeks couldn't move it without a lot of pain. It was semi-planned as I'd thought how to do it but never ever thought I'd have the guts to try it.

    The thoughts won't go away from it.

    At some point during I was semi-conscious. I felt what was going on and I felt me struggling. It was terrifying. I could feel the pain in my head until I felt it was going to explode over and over. In the dark. Not knowing what was going on, what was happening, or where I was. Now in the night, I dream. I dream of nothing and get so scared inside. I think about it over and over and wish I'd used something stronger as I abandoned everything to do it and now am left with nothing and too scared to try again anything non-instant like that.

    I just felt I needed to say that I tried and maybe, just maybe hope there was someone out there that could at least pretend to care or understand this. Because now I have no one. I have nothing left.
     
  2. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    I'm so sorry you are going through this horrible experience alone. I also attempted (Dec 30th) and it took me 3 weeks before I told anyone. I was so ashamed; a little bit for trying and alot for not succeeding. I was ready to try again and a tiny part of me that wants to live against the 99% that is trying to kill me said "go and get help"... and so I did. I still fight the urges every single day. Some days it's easy to talk back, others it's so much harder. I still don't know why.

    Is there anyone you can reach out to? There's the trauma of feeling so suicidal, and the trauma of surviving an attempt. It's alot to deal with and you don't have to do it alone.

    I'll be here on SF, as will others, but an online forum can be so slow, so impersonal.

    Thinking of you,
    Catherine
     
  3. LonelyKid

    LonelyKid Well-Known Member

    There's nobody. A few people I can imagine talking to about this but after abandoning them, coming back 3 months later after ignoring them seems so wrong to me. I can't bring myself to do it even though they probably wouldn't turn me away. I dropped out of High School to do this. I left all my friends and ignored them for weeks until I was sure I was out of full contact with them. Since I left school that Friday in November, I haven't even left my house. I don't know what to do but I've convinced my mother I know what I'm doing. Across the months since that I had an adjective to describe myself; stupid. Now I'm just pathetic.
     
  4. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    I can understand why you were distancing yourself from your friends, I did the same to my family. Thing is, none of us can survive this alone. That's why this place is so great. But it can't be everything.

    I know your mom thinks she is being supportive, but you are basically pretending to be okay, pretending that you have it all under control, pretending. Can you open up to her? I don't know anything about your relationship, so if it's not safe to tell her don't do it.

    Do you like your doctor? Can you call a helpline? Thing is, if you've tried once at some point when the pain is too much you might want to try again, and I don't want that for you. I hope you will work up the courage to reach out to someone, in the meantime I'm thinking of you and wish you strength,

    Catherine
     
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