Nineteen, Australian Male. Down.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Burning.eyes.syndrome, Sep 2, 2008.

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  1. Alright, so I really don't know what to say. I really don't, but I will give it my best shot. I have had the worst year of my young life. I know I should not be feeling the way I do, but I can't help it. Some people may think "You're only nineteen kid, what could you possibly have so bad with you?" Well, it's a complicated and long story.

    It all started this year when for some reason I cheated on my partner of three and a half years with someone who makes me utterly sick now. I broke her heart, and have never, ever been able to forgive myself. I know I'm young, but I genuinely thought we were meant for each other. But then I ruined it all. While my friends and colleagues were out drinking and randomly hooking up, we were at home watching movies, or out dancing, so happy and so in love.

    I don't know why I did what I did. I don't pretend to understand, but it haunts me and often leaves me on the wrong side of a bottle of anti depressants and cutting utensils. To further compound this, my brother in law and best mate in the world overdosed on pain pills two weeks later and left behind my sister and their beautiful son.

    This is when I started self mutilation. My father beat me and belittles me. He is on such a power trip and just makes everyone in our household loathe him. After a heavy dosage of pills and alcohol I found myself slamming him against a wall and holding him by the collar of his shirt, the thing is, I don't remember why I did this.

    My mother is an alcoholic, and is the sweetest woman in the world when she is off the drink. But when she is on it, she is scary and it just breaks my heart. I often find myself screaming into the night and cutting myself, watching that crimson life giver slip so elegantly from my wrist and smash into the floor into a puddle of hurt. Just three nights ago I swallowed the remaining nineteen anti depressants I possess and swigging a bottle of Jack Daniels.

    No one really understands me, and neither do I. If I could help myself I would. I have such terrible mood swings. I used to control these through healthy aggression in sports, but I was diagnosed with Hypertrophic Cardiomyopathy this year, and hence, that's a no go anymore.

    I like hurting myself, it lets me know that I still feel things. Sometimes I just feel like an empty vessel, incapable of feeling anything at all. I am not looking for attention just some advice, and guidance. I feel like I'm heading on a downward spiral. I wrote a suicide note today, and I'm scared that tonight will just see me end it all.

    Since splitting with my partner I've had meaningless encounters with so many people and I've been left feeling so dirty and unloved. I'm seeking help for sexual addiction and substance abuse but it seems to be failing.

    I've been with my current partner for 3 months and she is just so supportive and amazing. I can honestly say without her I would not be where I am today. She tries so hard, but often it seems like a losing battle. I am contemplating moving states to be with her, but am unsure. I would be leaving my nephew and brother, my two best friends in the world.

    I'm so unsure of myself and need so much love from so many angles. A girl who I had pinned my hopes and dreams on before I met my partner has now come out of nowhere telling me she needs me and she loves me. I'm so confused.

    I just need an outsiders perspective.

    I need help.

    Burning.eyes.syndrome.
     
  2. DrowningInTears

    DrowningInTears Well-Known Member

    never put ur hope in any woman, they will just divorce you and make you an alimony slave when u are older.
     
  3. What else is there to put hope into? Chronic masturbation?
     
  4. DrowningInTears

    DrowningInTears Well-Known Member

    wats wrong with whacking it? dont buy into the propaganda that you are a loser if you dont have a woman. its just used by society, to get you to spawn, then they use the laws to esnlave you with child support and alimony. there is plenty of pr0n on teh internetz if u hav sex needs. hentai, orgy, fetishes, anything u want. wat do u really need a woman for when u have all this
     
  5. Support? Love? Something physical intimacy cannot give you. Companionship. An emotional connection. I just sliced my arm up then and I feel so relaxed.
     
  6. DrowningInTears

    DrowningInTears Well-Known Member

    those things are worthless. just fap fap fap to internet prawnz. dont cut urself over some girl. this twisted sick society hates men and has brainwashed everyone to make men suffer and be degraded. just spit in their face and fap at pr0n
     
  7. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    It sounds like you are letting the little head do the thinking for you!! Are you afraid of commitment? I have had nothing but failure after failure, but I don't blame women in general. I just made the wrong decissions in life. I picked up all my ex's in bars. They weren't ready to settle down so they used me until I gave up and they left. Even after all that I prefer hanging and talking with women!! As far as communicating with men, I have nothing to say to them.
    As far as cutting yourself you need to stop that shit it doesn't help. I cut for a couple of years and quit for some time. I recently started back and immediately decided the only one I am hurting and scarring is myself.
    As far as your need to sleep around I can't help you, I was always a one woman man. I would put everything into my relations. I guess that was why I always blamed myself when things went sour!! My therapist tells me to let all that go and find a knew mate. I am an isolationist and don't get around people because I panic!! Even my family thinks I should find another partner. They just don't understand when I say no way never again...:chopper:...
     
  8. I had always planned to never be a one woman man ever again. But then I met Kimberley.. She is so good to me. So amazingly good. But I don't know if I'm ready to leave my whole life behind just yet...
     
  9. Dave_N

    Dave_N Guest

    Hi Burningeyes. I'm sorry about what happend with your soulmate, but it was your choice to cheat on her and you have to deal with the consequences. As Newton once said, 'For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction.' You just have to learn to control your sexual urges a little better. If masturbation works for you, then do that, if not, then watch internet porn etc. Also, is hypertrophic cardiomyopathy the heart condition where you could spontaneously drop dead while playing sports? I hope that's not the case. Also, you have to stop cutting yourself. It only makes the situation worse, both short term and long term. And if you really like Kimberly, then go see her sometime. :hug:
     
  10. I really appreciate your input mate. You are so right about the dealing with the consequences. It was my choice, and I can't blame the alcohol, I just effed up plain and simple. As for the hypertrophic cardiomyopathy.. Yeah that's the one mate. My whole world has been turned upside down.

    I don't feel too bad at the moment, the scars on my wrist are a reminder to me that I've got to keep strong. Easier said then done.. I'm sure tomorrow I will be on here pleading for someone to listen. But until then, I'm going to hit the gym. Nothing will slow me down.

    Joel.
     
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