Alright, so I really don't know what to say. I really don't, but I will give it my best shot. I have had the worst year of my young life. I know I should not be feeling the way I do, but I can't help it. Some people may think "You're only nineteen kid, what could you possibly have so bad with you?" Well, it's a complicated and long story. It all started this year when for some reason I cheated on my partner of three and a half years with someone who makes me utterly sick now. I broke her heart, and have never, ever been able to forgive myself. I know I'm young, but I genuinely thought we were meant for each other. But then I ruined it all. While my friends and colleagues were out drinking and randomly hooking up, we were at home watching movies, or out dancing, so happy and so in love. I don't know why I did what I did. I don't pretend to understand, but it haunts me and often leaves me on the wrong side of a bottle of anti depressants and cutting utensils. To further compound this, my brother in law and best mate in the world overdosed on pain pills two weeks later and left behind my sister and their beautiful son. This is when I started self mutilation. My father beat me and belittles me. He is on such a power trip and just makes everyone in our household loathe him. After a heavy dosage of pills and alcohol I found myself slamming him against a wall and holding him by the collar of his shirt, the thing is, I don't remember why I did this. My mother is an alcoholic, and is the sweetest woman in the world when she is off the drink. But when she is on it, she is scary and it just breaks my heart. I often find myself screaming into the night and cutting myself, watching that crimson life giver slip so elegantly from my wrist and smash into the floor into a puddle of hurt. Just three nights ago I swallowed the remaining nineteen anti depressants I possess and swigging a bottle of Jack Daniels. No one really understands me, and neither do I. If I could help myself I would. I have such terrible mood swings. I used to control these through healthy aggression in sports, but I was diagnosed with Hypertrophic Cardiomyopathy this year, and hence, that's a no go anymore. I like hurting myself, it lets me know that I still feel things. Sometimes I just feel like an empty vessel, incapable of feeling anything at all. I am not looking for attention just some advice, and guidance. I feel like I'm heading on a downward spiral. I wrote a suicide note today, and I'm scared that tonight will just see me end it all. Since splitting with my partner I've had meaningless encounters with so many people and I've been left feeling so dirty and unloved. I'm seeking help for sexual addiction and substance abuse but it seems to be failing. I've been with my current partner for 3 months and she is just so supportive and amazing. I can honestly say without her I would not be where I am today. She tries so hard, but often it seems like a losing battle. I am contemplating moving states to be with her, but am unsure. I would be leaving my nephew and brother, my two best friends in the world. I'm so unsure of myself and need so much love from so many angles. A girl who I had pinned my hopes and dreams on before I met my partner has now come out of nowhere telling me she needs me and she loves me. I'm so confused. I just need an outsiders perspective. I need help. Burning.eyes.syndrome.