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No air left to breathe

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by NJ_CB, Aug 25, 2011.

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  1. NJ_CB

    NJ_CB Member

    I am consumed by the thought that there really is no future. There is a tomorrow, but when every day is a routine, a list of things to check off...or procrastinate...then is that truly living? I feel no purpose. I feel nothing. I just want to sleep forever. I hope and pray that maybe the mixture of my normal meds, a centrum, glucosamine, fish oil and a glass of wine will do me in. Of course that is not the case. I probably just made myself healthier. I have no plans...for anything.

    I posted an away message on google that I want to disappear and I hate life. No one even asked "Are you okay?" One friend said to not disappear before I help him and his wife move.

    What I know is the following: (1) my pain and discomfort with life exceed my ability to handle day to day challenges; (2) time, effort, education, medical care and therapy have not altered the situation, (3) I do not see a reasonable prospect for meaningful change or sustained progress. There's is nothing objectively wrong with me. It is simply that my mind is so distorted that I am focused 100 per cent on the negative thoughts. They are ingrained in me; we are now one and the same. The self-hate and loathing have sucked all of the oxygen out of my life.

    So is there any logical reason to continue living? Am I supposed to keep telling myself that it will get better, that it is all in my head, that the situation is temporary? Even if things COULD get better, I must say that after more than 20 years of pushing and trying of succeeding in everything I put my mind to, this [life] is just too much. Life is the challenge I cannot bear to take on any longer. We all have quit on something at some point in our lives. Who is to say that after giving it my best effort that it would now be wrong to "quit?" I hate my life and I wish I were never born. I am so mad at my parents for allowing me to live.
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 25, 2011
  2. Hello - and I read your post. I understand what you're saying as I am in the same place -life has become mundane, lonely...so much pain.

    I don't have any answers...but I want to at least let you know that I read what you had to say.

    I wish you peace...I always try to hold on until the morning when I feel better about the prospect of a new day - night is always hard and lonely.

    I just wanted you to know that I see you.

  3. eagles_fan

    eagles_fan Well-Known Member

    Well, you've identified the problem yourself. If you want to feel better, then you have to try to feel better. I mean it!

    I've had days where I wanted to kill myself before as well, NJ_CB. Just today while working, I was getting angry over things that occurred in my imagination. None of that was real. I put myself through some imaginary suffering.

    I believe you do the same. All the shit that makes you feel bad is just in your head! Not to trivialize it at all.

    What you need to do is love yourself. What exactly do you think are positive traits about you?
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    from your title i can see you are feeling cornered no wayout. There is hun you need to talk to someone You need to go into hospital maybe get on some medication to get rid of all that sadness Please reach out to someone okay hugs to you
  5. windlepoons

    windlepoons Well-Known Member

    You say your thoughts focus on the negative. Have you considered Cognitive Restructuring? Its about considering and then challenging the automatic negative thoughts that you have. It is a basic but slow process but it really helped me.
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