I am consumed by the thought that there really is no future. There is a tomorrow, but when every day is a routine, a list of things to check off...or procrastinate...then is that truly living? I feel no purpose. I feel nothing. I just want to sleep forever. I hope and pray that maybe the mixture of my normal meds, a centrum, glucosamine, fish oil and a glass of wine will do me in. Of course that is not the case. I probably just made myself healthier. I have no plans...for anything. I posted an away message on google that I want to disappear and I hate life. No one even asked "Are you okay?" One friend said to not disappear before I help him and his wife move. What I know is the following: (1) my pain and discomfort with life exceed my ability to handle day to day challenges; (2) time, effort, education, medical care and therapy have not altered the situation, (3) I do not see a reasonable prospect for meaningful change or sustained progress. There's is nothing objectively wrong with me. It is simply that my mind is so distorted that I am focused 100 per cent on the negative thoughts. They are ingrained in me; we are now one and the same. The self-hate and loathing have sucked all of the oxygen out of my life. So is there any logical reason to continue living? Am I supposed to keep telling myself that it will get better, that it is all in my head, that the situation is temporary? Even if things COULD get better, I must say that after more than 20 years of pushing and trying of succeeding in everything I put my mind to, this [life] is just too much. Life is the challenge I cannot bear to take on any longer. We all have quit on something at some point in our lives. Who is to say that after giving it my best effort that it would now be wrong to "quit?" I hate my life and I wish I were never born. I am so mad at my parents for allowing me to live.