Well, the holidays have officially come and gone. My ex BF did not send me one card or email. I am now certain it is truly over. I am beyond broken. Worse than I have ever been over any other break-up because I truly did love him. I will always remember him as that sweet six year old boy that I met in 1997 when he was 6 and I was 9. His face was so much cuter than the other little boys in town. When I seen him in 2004 when he was 13 or 14, I could not believe how much he had grown up. This summer, at 18, he was beautiful.... I messed up. I regret it, but I did not act alone.... No other ex has done this to me. They always remembered me on the holidays. Even guys who were complete pieces of sh**. Guys who I did not know prior to dating them. This stabs me in the heart because we knew each other since we were children unlike my other exes. Unlike other exes, I can not just run into him somewhere. It would take a 10 hour plane ride only to get rejected.... I can honestly say that since the 17th of October, I have cried everyday... Being here in the States sucks so bad. The men here lack the passion and the familiarity that I need at this point in my life. I fall in love easily and I know it will happen again, but I WANTED HIM AND THIS TIME IT IS NOT OK. I could care less that I was alone yesterday and that this other guy who I am seeing did not even call me. He is nothing to me. All I wanted was something from my ex, anything... Any contact from him would have brought some light into my life despite being alone. Instead, I cleaned my room to avoid watching the countdown and I rang in 2010 ridding myself of bad memories from my past. If only one good memory would come back to me. I can't go back to being a little girl in 1997, I have to learn to be alone again in 2010. At 21, I feel so old as I watch high school girls who are still so sunny. I have NOBODY to talk to now. Mom is sleeping. She is tired from work. She fell asleep late and woke up early. I can not really vent to my grandmother. She just will not understand. She was married when she was my age and spent 54 years with my grandfather. My dad is a jerk who did not even call me or remember me on the holidays. He purposely did it because he is too cheap to get me a gift. Since I turned 18, he has done zero for me. I am a full time student. I get all A's. I am in the honor's society. Girls who are HS drop-outs get more help from their fathers than I do. Why did God have to punish me with a father like him?? My only dream was to marry my BF. I really felt like he was a righteous man from the same town where my mother was born and my grandparents are from. I could have moved overseas, been with him, and never felt sad about my father's rejection again. I would have never seen him again. In all honesty, I could care less about my father. I am old enough to not be surprised when he disappoints me. As long as I would have stayed with my ex, I wouldn't have even cared if I ever seen him again. AS A MATTER OF FACT, if God came down from heaven and made a deal with me, telling me who would grant me my wish of being back with my ex only I could never see my father again, I would accept. When I was away this summer, I din't miss anybody from Chicago including my dad. I hate this city. Sorry to sound so emo... Now, I have to get ready for the darkest, coldest, most lonely part of winter. I also am sick of throwing up, but I can't fucking stop. I feel so full when I eat and I just do not want to risk gaining weight. I know it is bad, I know it does not really aid me in losing weight or maintaining my weight, but I can't STOP!