No Card, no kisses, its over...

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by stuckinchicago6, Jan 1, 2010.

  1. stuckinchicago6

    stuckinchicago6 Well-Known Member

    Well, the holidays have officially come and gone. My ex BF did not send me one card or email. I am now certain it is truly over. I am beyond broken. Worse than I have ever been over any other break-up because I truly did love him. I will always remember him as that sweet six year old boy that I met in 1997 when he was 6 and I was 9. His face was so much cuter than the other little boys in town. When I seen him in 2004 when he was 13 or 14, I could not believe how much he had grown up. This summer, at 18, he was beautiful.... I messed up. I regret it, but I did not act alone.... No other ex has done this to me. They always remembered me on the holidays. Even guys who were complete pieces of sh**. Guys who I did not know prior to dating them. This stabs me in the heart because we knew each other since we were children unlike my other exes. Unlike other exes, I can not just run into him somewhere. It would take a 10 hour plane ride only to get rejected.... I can honestly say that since the 17th of October, I have cried everyday... Being here in the States sucks so bad. The men here lack the passion and the familiarity that I need at this point in my life. I fall in love easily and I know it will happen again, but I WANTED HIM AND THIS TIME IT IS NOT OK. I could care less that I was alone yesterday and that this other guy who I am seeing did not even call me. He is nothing to me. All I wanted was something from my ex, anything... Any contact from him would have brought some light into my life despite being alone. Instead, I cleaned my room to avoid watching the countdown and I rang in 2010 ridding myself of bad memories from my past. If only one good memory would come back to me. I can't go back to being a little girl in 1997, I have to learn to be alone again in 2010. At 21, I feel so old as I watch high school girls who are still so sunny.
    I have NOBODY to talk to now. Mom is sleeping. She is tired from work. She fell asleep late and woke up early. I can not really vent to my grandmother. She just will not understand. She was married when she was my age and spent 54 years with my grandfather. My dad is a jerk who did not even call me or remember me on the holidays. He purposely did it because he is too cheap to get me a gift. Since I turned 18, he has done zero for me. I am a full time student. I get all A's. I am in the honor's society. Girls who are HS drop-outs get more help from their fathers than I do. Why did God have to punish me with a father like him?? My only dream was to marry my BF. I really felt like he was a righteous man from the same town where my mother was born and my grandparents are from. I could have moved overseas, been with him, and never felt sad about my father's rejection again. I would have never seen him again. In all honesty, I could care less about my father. I am old enough to not be surprised when he disappoints me. As long as I would have stayed with my ex, I wouldn't have even cared if I ever seen him again. AS A MATTER OF FACT, if God came down from heaven and made a deal with me, telling me who would grant me my wish of being back with my ex only I could never see my father again, I would accept. When I was away this summer, I din't miss anybody from Chicago including my dad. I hate this city. Sorry to sound so emo... Now, I have to get ready for the darkest, coldest, most lonely part of winter.
    I also am sick of throwing up, but I can't fucking stop. I feel so full when I eat and I just do not want to risk gaining weight. I know it is bad, I know it does not really aid me in losing weight or maintaining my weight, but I can't STOP!
     
  2. stuckinchicago6

    stuckinchicago6 Well-Known Member

    Emptiness. THE DAYS ARE ONLY DAYS NOW.... Before, there was excitement and romance in my life. I am left with nobody now. Not even one single friend.... Only my mother.... What to do... :unsure:
     
  3. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    In your post you said you're a student. Are there any clubs or organizations on campus that you're interested in, that you could join to possibly meet people and make some friends?
     
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hey i agree time to move on and meet that someone special time to let go of the one that is not going to give you the love you deserve. I know the pain is great it will decrease but try okay get out there and meet people with your own interest. You met someone once you can do it again. take care
     
  5. stuckinchicago6

    stuckinchicago6 Well-Known Member

    I've already started dating other people since we immediately broke up in October. I have met somebody else I am really attracted to and I could picture myself being with, but he is pretty much only looking for sex and I am not willing to give it up. There is lots of pressure.... Falling in love for me is easy. Still, falling in love does not mean you will go for the right person and it does not erase the pain. I knew my ex for too long... The main thing that sucks is everybody who was around us worked to break our relationship. He is young and what others think (especially his mother) is of great importance to him. Thinking about him, this Garbage song comes to mind "Special" and Pink "Who Knew". Not my favorite artists, but those songs speak to me now and Kelly Clarkson "My life would suck without you". Also, he will not even be my friend anymore. It is like we have to be enemies and any communication is forbidden. Going back to Pink: I wish I could touch you again / I wish I could still call you a friend / I'd give anything.....

    Yeah, it is not easy... but I can't control the way others act, I can only control myself. I am sick of crying. My eyes have been puffy for months and I need to sleep. In all honesty, after the pain I have suffered, even if he wanted me back, I would never take him back after this. There is no excuse for not contacting me on the holidays.
     
  6. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I am glad to hear you have moved on and also glad to hear you not give into sexual relationship so fast to new person. Try writing a letter to your ex and let out what you want to say on paper. Even if you do not mail it it helps to get your feelings out your thoughts out this way. If you do decide to mail it then let it be I hope you stay strong and not be pressured by new guy to give up anything until you are sure you are ready take care of you always okay.
     
  7. stuckinchicago6

    stuckinchicago6 Well-Known Member

    Tomorrow, I have to go for an interview for an internship. Really sucks. I have zero motivation. I am glad I got the interview and this would really be a foot in the door for me, but it is just so hard to communicate with people. I have to be there at 10:45 a.m. Lately, I am lucky if I fall asleep before 4 a.m. I am bloated like crazy and I do not have an appropriate outfit for this freezing cold weather.