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No Chance to Say Goodbye

Discussion in 'Grief and Bereavement' started by gentlelady, Jan 6, 2007.

  1. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    You don't know what it is to meet the cold, dark whiteness of a hospital ICU room until you walk in one night, pleading in your heart for the impossible and finding the inevitable. "Your father didn't make it," the nurse tells you.
    You can become very cold and callous about accidents and obituaries until you are in the center of this horrible, bloody business of death. Then you lose control and you stand stunned and you want terribly to wake up from this unspeakable nightmare.
    But you can't wake up no matter how hard you try and white uniforms and mumbled concern and antiseptic smells blur in your mind. It can't be true that your father is dead and you pray desparately the whole thing is some ghastly joke and everything will be just fine.
    But he is dead and nothing will be just fine, ever again. It is all over between you and he, those many years of tears and laughter, heartache and joy.
    This is your father under that starched hospital sheet, covered up forever from the harsh glance of life. It is the man who gave you life.
    The eyes that are closed now, were the ones that stayed open each evening watching the History Channel, reading the newspaper from want ads to the marriage licenses, paying close attention to those he knew. They are the eyes, the blue beautiful eyes, that cried so piercingly when his own father died.
    This is the mouth that talked with you and kept all your secrets inside and told you once that you had always been a joy to him. It is the same mouth that kissed you the day before this nightmare and thanked you for helping him to make the Thanksgiving turkey.
    These are the hands that taught you how to write your name and tie your shoelaces and dress yourself. They are the hands with the thin gold wedding band, worn down after so many years of marriage.
    And these are the feet that sometimes walked to your grammar school to take you out for hot turkey lunch, something none of the other kids did. They are the feet that stood so many times by your sick bed and waited until you came back from surgery.
    These are the arms that encircled you when you cried over a dead turtle or a bruised knee or the horrible tragedy of a broken romance. They are the arms that washed and ironed your clothing and did a million things that you never bothered to thank him for.
    And here are the shoulders where you rested during your inconsolable sorrow when he told you that time would heal all wounds and joy would come again. It is hard to believe that now.
    It is hard to believe that these are the knees that cradled you as a child and gave you the safest haven in the world. His lap was the place where he taught you and your sister how to read by going through the comics every night and explaining all the words.
    This is the man who spent his life loving and living for his children and his friends. He is the one who occasionally lost his temper and never held a grudge or said an unkind word about anybody.
    He is the father who helped you and your brother and sister through every sorrow and laughed with you through every joy. Here is the man who succeeded in loving his children as individuals and showing favoritism to none.
    And now, in this cold darkness of a hospital ICU room, there is no one to console you anymore. There is only blinding lights and starched uniforms and antiseptic smells.
    Your father does not belong in this place like this, but he is bruised and broken and gone forever. You cry because you were not there to console him. And you never had a chance to thank him or to say good-bye.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 6, 2007
  2. MrDepressed

    MrDepressed Guest

    My heart grieves with you about this loss.
  3. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    sob. :sad: :hug: :hug: :hug:
  4. theleastofthese

    theleastofthese SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I too offer my condolences and sorrow for your indescribable loss.:sad: I wish I could 'do' something but there is nothing to do but cry with you and offer my shoulder to lean on or cry on. I'm so sorry, my dear friend, that this has to come to you now, or ever, but that is what comes to us all sooner or later.:sad: You put it so well, an excellent tribute to a father's love and influence.:smile: I'm sure he appreciates it from where he is watching over you.:smile:

    all my love and hugs for you,


  5. Sa Palomera

    Sa Palomera Well-Known Member

    I'm really sorry sweetheart. I really am. :hug: I just keep on wishing there was more for me to do than listen and sending you virtual :hug: s

    Love you,
  6. Jolanta

    Jolanta Member & Antiquitie's Friend Staff Alumni

    Can I help you cry? :cry:
  7. Insignificant

    Insignificant Account Closed

    lady that is simply a beautiful tribute to your dad. i without a doubt believe he is so proud of you. remember he is here in spirit and always watching you. take care
  8. TLA

    TLA Antiquitie's Friend

    True, you may feel he is bruised, broken and forever gone. But, that was just his earthly vessel. He is still very much alive in your heart and your words. Your memories will never be dimished. He shared a great life with your family and I am glad you have that ALWAYS.
  9. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    Thank you all for your kind words and thoughts. I wish I could say that things get easier, or that memories can erase the pain, but they don't. People say that with time, it will get better. I guess they may be right in that it is no longer a constant thought, but the memories and pain hit at the strangest moments. I know that it is me being selfish over losing him from my life and the life of my children. I can tell them that grandpa would be proud, but they will never feel that pride as they accomplish the things they shared with him. So I guess I truly mourn for what might have been as well as what was. Goodbye Dad. We shall meet again soon.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 25, 2007
  10. Swamp Horn

    Swamp Horn Member

    Thats so beautiful. You should be very proud of yourself for how you've handled this. I know exactly what you mean about the pain hitting at the oddest moments too. If its any help, i can say that by the 7 year mark, the good times far outweigh the bad, though the memory remains because you never want it to leave. It becomes a tribute. Sometimes, when i'm having a great time doing something, like driving on the motorway on a really nice day with the roof down and listening to some good tunes, i'll look up to the sky and think, "Carol, i know you're loving this moment too, thank you for at least being a memory. X"

    You'll get that too.

    Jamie X
  11. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    Thank you Swamp Horn. I only hope that what you say holds true.
  12. Swamp Horn

    Swamp Horn Member

    I'm confident it will x
  13. I am so sorry to hear this about your dad! My heart aches for you! I just experienced the pain of the loss of suicide with no chance to say good-bye or hold them one more time. I can only pray that I will see my daughter on the other side. You will be able to hold your dad again someday! ((((((Gentle))))) Remember to take care of you in this critical time in your life!
  14. Gi-Jane

    Gi-Jane Active Member

    You don't know what it is to meet the cold, dark whiteness of a hospital ICU room until you walk in one night, pleading in your heart for the impossible and finding the inevitable. "Your father didn't make it," the nurse tells you.

    well first of all..im so sorry to hear this...and im also sorry i did read this kinda late..i dont know how it feels when ur in a hospital..but i do know how it feels when the police come at youre door and tell u the same.
    so i do know how u feel.i lost my dad 2...so if u need or want 2 talk about it...add me on msn or yahoo and it will be good for the both of us 2 talk about it........((((((( hugs )))))))
  15. your letter is painful but wonderful Gentle :hug:

    take care of yourself

  16. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    Thank you all for your kind thoughts and offers of support. You are truly appreciated. :hug:
  17. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    As I approach the second anniversary of the loss of my father I cannot say things have really gotten any easier only that I have learned to accept them more. There are times that good memories come. When I see something that reminds me of something he loved or loved to do. Yet there are times I mourn for myself and what I have lost or my children have lost by missing out on his presence. Being able to call him when I need someone, or to share the joy of an accomplishment, or the pride I know he would have had in watching his grandchildren. I have come to realize I do not mourn for him. He is much better off. I am hurt for my children and for myself. I guess that makes me selfish.
  18. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    No sweetie it doesn't make you selfish it makes you human. We all need love in our lives. And when we have it we don't want to let it go. I lost my only true friend to breast cancer 5 years ago. I still miss her like it was only yesterday. I was there with her for the failed treatments, the days at home sick and not able to care for her family, the hospital stays and I happened to be in hospital when she was admitted and finally died. The nurse on my ward let me go see her when I found out she was there. That night I went to visit but my dear friend was so tired and said lets talk tomorrow. That night she died. I went to her and just laid there beside her until her husband came. I miss her soo badly. But a few years ago I set aside a part of my perinial garden just for her. Now when the flowers bloom I think as if each one is her smiling at me. It is such a wonderful place to go sit when I need her help or just to feel close to her. I don't think I'm selfish. I just miss a real friend and her real love that was once in my life. Sorry didn't mean to rain on your thread but I just want you to see that you are only human.
  19. GypsyGirl

    GypsyGirl Well-Known Member

    BIG :hug: gentlelady...

    May will be the second anniversary of my daddy's death too... :cry: He died suddenly - no warning what so ever. Just a call to get to their house as fast as I can... but it was too late. I never got to say goodbye, I never heard the words, "I am so proud of you." I never sat down with him and told him how much he ment to me, or how I knew how he sacrificed everything for us, to make sure we were fed and had a roof over our heads.. nothing... just him laying there on the floor with my mama crying over him... and I am still beating myself up over it. I don't think I'll ever forgive myself...

    I feel for you with all of my heart, sweetie... if you need anything, let me know and I'll do my best to help. :hug: Please take care...
  20. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    It is Fathers Day and my thoughts keep drifting to how much I wish my father was still here for me to celebrate it with. There are so many things I miss sharing with him. I grieve for myself, but I also grieve for my children. I grieve because they will never see the look of pride in their grandfather's eye when they succeed, or feel the joy that only a grandfather can give his grandchild. They will never see that even a strong man can show emotion and cry when he is happy or sad. He was a strong yet gentle man. The world lost a great man when he passed, but I know that at that instant a new angel was created. I miss you daddy. R.I.P. Happy Fathers Day